To think the teacher handled this bullying really badly?

[escorchio]

DD2 (8) is in a class with a small number of girls, who have been together since nursery. They roughly divide into three groups. The quiet ones, the loud ones, and the horror. We are fairly new here, and DD2 had slotted in with the quiet girls, but is also friends with the loud ones.

The horror seems to be a really sad little girls. Overweight, not doing too well at school, no real friends, apart from the odd boy or girl who feels sorry for her and makes an effort for a while.

Over time, but increasingly, the horror has been picking on one of DD2 friends. Is has escalated recently to foul mouth insults about her family, and this week, and threat to "punch you in the face".

DD2's friend was frightened, and went to the teacher.

The teacher called both girls out of the classroom, then sent the one being picked on back in to ask the class if anyone who had seen what had happened would please come out, and stand up for her, since the horror had denied all knowledge.

Surely, surely, it is wrong to either display this to the whole class, or ask the children to take sides? DD2 is distraught at being asked to get involved, and her friend mortified at everyone knowing, and having to ask her class for support.

I badly want to tell the teacher she handled this the wrong way, and complain to the head, but I'm not sure what to suggest to them as an alternative.?

Any helpful thoughts?

Ironically, we found out about ds being bullied becasue we raised a concern with the Out of School Club. We wanted to aske thier advice as they had some anti-bullying posters becasue we were concerned that his behaviour to a boy across the road (who went to a different school) was verging on bullying.

Turned out that he was being bullied quite badly (really nasty name calling, ostracism and even occasionally physically) - and so was perhaps "acting out" with the other boy.

Could be that the other girl has herself been the sbject of bullying. Dopesn't excuse the way the school dealt with it - but maybe the "problem" needs to be looked at more holistically.

Sorry, and can I just add that I do think the girl doing the picking on (I never used the word bully) is in desperate need of help.

Prettybird, your depute head sounds great. Exactly the right thing to do, imo!

I also think it's more constructive to think of any sort of bullying as a problem for the whole class (it usually affects everyone, directly or indirectly) and deal with it together. After all, no-one is irredeemable at the age of 8.

The other thing is your own child could easily find themselves on one or other side as bully or victim. It would help if they knew what to do in advance.

x-posted. Yes, bullies have usually been bullied, one way or another. Definitions vary, of course.

You mentioend bullying the title

In any case, at ds' school, they have a zero tolerance approach to bullying - which they define very broadly and includes "picking on"/"Being picked on".

BTW: the depute is not a --total) paragon of virtue. She says that she once missed some really nasty bullying that was going on in front of her amongst some P7 girls which went on for months. She was mortified when she found out about it.

But I am sure that she then dealt very firmly with it....

....did I mention that she was a very scary lady?

You did mention that, you did! What's so good about your depute imo is that she recognises and admits that it goes on, and she's dealing with it!

No-one would blame a teacher for being clumsy or making a mistake - not everyone can be skilled at conflict resolution (and some teachers don't get any meaningful training). What matters, imo, is that a teacher should keep her eyes open and be aware of the possibility and then wade in and address the issue.

"The Horror" that is a really nasty way of talking about any child, especially one who sounds troubled. I'm not excusing bullying in any way, but describing a child like that is feeding the problem.

You only have your child's side of the story, which ofcourse you believe wholeheartedly. Have you ever stopped to think that maybe the 2 other groups "started" all this by leaving this girl out? Some children are shockingly devious, picking on others and getting away with it, whereas others lash out in frustration at being isolated and are automatically branded as bullies.

There was a girl in my sister's class you picked on her relentlessly from reception, (beatings, namecalling, the lot) right up to year 5. School did sweet FA. By year 6 the girl had undergone what can only be described as a transformation. Why? Her dad was jailed over the summer holidays for several years for repeatedly sexually abusing her from age 3. She was angry, being made to keep secrets from everyone else around her and took her stress, anger and frustration out on my chubby, easy target sister. Once her dad was gone I guess she felt safe from him.

I'm not saying this "horror" is being abused at all, but some people can't put in to words how they feel. So they lash out. Sorry for epic post btw.