I really don't like my in laws anymore.

[nickytwotimes]

I used to like them. I had a lot of respect for them - they raised two fabulous boys, dh and his lovely brother who are kind, generous, loving men. They are a close family and live near us.

However, since having ds2, they have completely changed. He has been very ill with reflux and was hospitalised a few times. So we needed their help and support more than ever. I have PND too.

basically, anytime we are with them, they give constant unwanted 'advice' about how we should be dealing with him. First it was that I should be givng him formula, not bfing him as they believed this would help (!?) and they just wouldn't let it go. FInally they have stopped but now they go on non stop about 'solids' and how they are the solution to everything - I do think they might help WHEN HE IS 6 MTHS, but not before.

But worse than this is that they say things like 'we will come up and take ds1 out for the afternoon' to take a bit of pressure off me. Then phone and cancel at the last minute because they have to meet a friend for coffee.

Fil is totally useless and goes in the huff when we do not do what he wants, like staying over t family dos - which would be awful with ds2 not sleeping.

We are exhausted and need sympathy from them. Instead we get constant criticism.

Look at it from their angle. They've got a stressed out son, depressed DIL, sick grandchild and they're trying to help, best they can, based on their own experience - which is all anyone can do. If you don't agree with their advice then tell them so firmly. If they get 'in a huff' that's their look-out. As for being unreliable about taking children out for the day... I'm afraid that, although annoying, that's just human beings being fallible.

BTW If your son is not recovering from the reflux then go back to the doctor. My son was initially diagnosed with reflux but needed an operation ultimately for pyloric stenosis. Good luck

I think I would be starting to re establish some emotional distance, given that you are not finding their 'help' beneficial.

They probably mean well, but if you and they have different opinions as to how your DS should be looked after, you are bound to clash a bit. Because you have needed them, they feel it's okay to keep giving their particular kind of help. I think you need to just say 'thank you for the advice but we have decided to do x'.

I would visit a bit less, until they get out of the habit of trying to raise your child for you and agree that you should go back to the Dr for medical advice wrt your son.

how old is your DS2?

My DD had reflux a couple of years ago but even as recently as that the GP+ health visitor said with reflux we should put her on solids before the usual 6 months, as long as it wasn't before 3. These 'rules' aren't set in stone and your PILs are just trying to be helpful.

Things are tough and worrying whilst your baby has this reflux problem. You definately don't need criticism,you need supportive help and space to be allowed to concentrate and soldier on - doing things YOUR way.

They probably think they're being helpful, offering advice but it's coming across as criticism. If they're as lovely as you thought at first, they'd probably be mortified to find out that they were coming across as critical.

Can you or DH have a chat to them about it? Perhaps along the lines of you have all these friends who keep giving you advice and you know they mean well but that you could really do without it because you just want to get on with it in your own way, if you think they'd be upset to be told outright that it's THEIR advice that's getting to you?

How do you respond to their advice? Do you say something like "Well the doctors say that breastmilk is better for babies with reflux" (for example) - perhaps they might put a sock in it if you say that medical professionals support your particular course of action?

They are, no doubt, very worried about you and your ds - and they are only trying to help when they are advising you. And, of course, they are advising you based on what was done when they were young parents, which is different from how it is now. You need to relax a little bit about that - it's not their fault that they think solids should be introduced earlier. The advice re not weaning before six months is pretty recent!

However, what is unforgivable is letting you down when they've promised to come and babysit for you. And I think your DH should be having strong words with them about this. He should point out that you're both exhausted, and you need some help, and book them in for definite babysitting one evening/afternoon to give you a break.

But above all - remember - this time will pass very, very quickly! Chin up.

My inlaws are like this - constant criticism about every single thing we do with DD, from feeding her (apparently we give her too much) to her naps (apparently we let her sleep too much) to picking her up when she's crying (she's fine). The difference is they were a pain before we had her though!

I agree with the others, you need to distance yourselves.

Thanks for the responses.

Yes, we do say, thenka for the advice but the paediatricians say blah blAh. To which the reply is 'well, I don't agree'. They then go on adn on and on.

I have told them I feel criticised but they do not listen to us. They have alwyas been very critical of dh. They do not seem to know how to just listen to us sound off.

Ds's reflux is improving thanks. We were told we could try solids early, but consultant gave us info from studies about reflux and early weaning, pros and cons and left it to us. In ds's case, it wasn't likely to help.

We are keeping our distance. They make things worse, but I am sad for dh. And our boys.

And I know they are trying to be halpful, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions. ANd surely when I say that it is not helpful they should shut up!

Aye, the cancelling thing really finished me off.

I was already keeping my distance due to constant criticism, but that was really the last straw.

babies/children can bring a lot strain on family relationships. i was strained a bit with my mother/sister etc. I always felt they were judging or criticising me somewhat/ I'm a bit huffy/strong minded . It can be a bit of both - they might be old fashioned and seem unhelpful but probably mean well and us mums can sometimes think everything revolves round us and our children. You liked them before so you don't want to lose that somewhere down the line. They sound basically like good people so just have to assert yourself and let them know your views and feelings. Do they know how much help you might need or do you solder on a bit?

The problems arise once you ask for help. If you don't appear to be coping and if you actively seek assistance then other people (and this is not confined to in-laws) are far more likely to pitch in with their opinions than if you appear confident and that you are managing. MN illustrates it in microcosm.... one simple question like 'shall I put the baby in his own room?' results in so many a vastly different answers that if you're the uncertain type, you could get very stressed trying to please everyone.

So pick your confidantes carefully, use the experts where necessary and keep the numbers of people with a say in your family's life as low as possible.

Unfortunately I think you're probably very tired and stressed and taking things a bit to heart. Unfortunately one you have children the world becomes full of people with 'helpful advice' which can be interpreted as criticism. Sometimes you just have to take a deep breath and let it wash over you.

I remember when my youngest was a baby my Mum was always obsessed that he was going to get cold. She actually used to change his outfits in front of me when she felt he was inappropriately dressed (I believe in layering and preferred him to have a t-shirt over a vest with a cardigan) but she would insist on putting him in a think jumper or thick fleecy sweatshirt. Now this would have been bad enough if I was some young teenage Mum but I was 35 at the time!!! She's no better now he's 10 and able to voice the fact that he's too hot/cold!! I have lots of similar examples and it doesn't really get any better as the children get older!

Chil makes a good point there. Try not to ask questions around these people. In vulnerable moments I've done just that, only to be bombarded with all that kind of know-it-all advice and 'attitude' that you just don't need. Keep mum.

I agree. We got lots of 'helpful' advice from PIL when DD wasn't sleeping through, especially relating to her being hungry and needing solids or hungry baby formula rather than BM!! We kept saying we weren't weaning her until 6 months etc etc but still kept getting the same response from PIL.

It stopped when we stopped talking to them about DD's sleeping. We started saying she was sleeping fine (which she was between waking up several times a night!!). Advice comes when you share your issues as they want to help you - unfortunately they're relying on often out of date info and old memories of when they had tiny babies.

We no longer talk about DD's 'issues' and stick to what she can do. Much better for everyone.

I would probably approach the looking after DS1 as a bonus if it happens. If you keep it flexible in your mind you hopefully won't be so disappointed. Unfortunately you can't control their actions so you can only attempt to keep in check your response.

Good luck though, it does seem really irritating and quite upsetting.

How many times have they cancelled the babysitting?

I think you should just stop visiting them or inviting them over until both you and ds are feeling better.

Could your dh visit them with ds? To give you a bit of a break in that way?

I think you're overreacting tbh. I see why you're upset, you have a lot going on and you don't want support in the form it is coming. And maybe your PILs are being critical in the way it is coming, but they sound like they are trying.

Don't put yourself in a position where you are venting in front of them or exposing more than small weaknesses, then they have no reason to say or do the things that are upsetting you.

Your PILs may be worse in other ways (actually, this is what I assume, as to say you don't like them and are going to keep your distance over this is quite OTT imo), but try not to let your current situation upset relationships that may well be very important to your DCs in years to come.

Btw, I don't think you should have to hide your weaknesses, I just mean that it will limit the opportunities they have to seize on things to start talking/giving advice.

I think many IL relationships do not survive gc. I used to get along brilliantly with the ILs, and thought they would be the best gps ever, and would really help us with our dc.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

many relationships - marital,family, friends - don't survive when the children come along. It throws the whole dynamics up in the air.

I don't let on anything is wrong anymore. But they still go on and on. And on.

It is true - oer relationship is not surviving children. Just glad dh and I's is!

They don't really sound that bad. They are not meeting up to your expectations so pull back a little, limit the contact if it is really upsetting you. In the future things might ease off and you find a better status quo. They are your husbands parents after all - one day you might be the Mil.

Agree with begonya, though I don't think YABU. Just withdraw from contact a little.

Failing that, can you communicate this with them in an objective fashion? Write an email/ letter that says "you are doing A which is making me feel B"? They prob only think they are helping (unless they are like my PIL who are totally self-absorbed and unable to see anyone else's POV...).

I'm sorry that you are having a hard time and hope it gets better soon, with or without intervention on your part.

If they insist in keep offering advice, even after you dropped the issue ages ago then YANBU.

and cancelling a planned visit just because they bumped into someone is very rude.

hope your DS keeps improving

The cancelling is bad - it's not something I would do except in extreme circumstances.

I would say the advice -offering is their way of not feeling useless - some people just can't seem to listen without offering "solutions". I agree with what tainted paint said about this. I have had times in my life when I was depressed and I eventually learned which people NOT to confide in about anything I was emotional about - because I knew their lack of understanding would hurt me more.

I think you have a right to feel pissed off about them, but for your own sanity I think you need to accept they won't change and withdraw