to want my son to know he has a sister

[AuntiePickleBottom]

df does not have any contact with his daughter, but i want my son almost 5 to know about her.

we have a few pictures from when df had access, and 2 of ds and sd together.

ds today asked who the girl in the picture was, i gave the look to df to tell him the truth..but he said someone you used to play with.

i wanted him to say...it is your sister and i bu about this

also we are in 10k debt trying to get access and we can't afford any more solicitors and court fees to see her. it took 3 years for the courts to give access due to his ex not turning up

i can see the mothr's POV, in that her daughter is settled and has a good home life and don't want to upset that.

The courts approved PR to the mother and no contact to the father?

The thing is, as someone else said, this really is more about DP knowing his daughter. If the lack of contact is somehow his fault, it may not be in the little girl's interest to see this part of her family. In this case, I still think it is best not to lie to your son about her existence, but will be very difficult answering any questions he has.

If the lack of contact is because his ex won't let him have any, I think it is very important for your children to grow up knowing about their sister. Things might change, and contact might resume.

Is there any chance that contact might resume?

Oh OK, I understand a bit better now. He really does want access, ex is being difficult (do they live far away?) and this is very painful for your partner.

I think you need to talk to him about this. Pretending she doesn't exist is going to make things much worse for everyone in the long run, not least himself.

yanbu. your son asked who teh girl was and your DF should have told him the truth. as it is he has now created the beginnings of a secret. your son should know that he has a sister, sooner rather than later. secrets like this wreck families. i speak from experience.

it is not DP fault, he has tried all options to be in her life.

but that not the issue, the issue is should my son know the truth he has a sister out there, would you want to know if you have a sibling out there

Yes he should, and yes I would, but it does need to be dealt with very sensitively. The emphasis has to be on "Daddy loves her and would like to see her, is never going to leave you.. etc..)

so how would you approach it (advice)

I agree with you Auntie. The reason why your DP doesn't see his DD is not the issue. The issue is that your son has a half-sister, and you think he has a right to know the truth about that.

I can understand why this is so painful for your partner, but it isn't going to go away just because he doesn't talk about it. I think your son should be told, but I agree with edam that it needs to be managed carefully, because you don't want your son to start worrying that daddy might suddenly disappear from his life too.

oops, x post. sorry

OK if the situation is (as it seems to be) that your DP has a daughter he doesn't see because the daughter's mother will not allow access despite a court order having given him access then what you need to tell your DC is the most benign and age-appropriate version of the facts that you can come up with - that the little girl is their half-sister, but she lives a long way away and has a different mummy, and one day they will meet her. Maybe (depending on age levels of DC and what facts you are in possession of) adding in the information that the girl's mum is very angry with daddy and sometimes when grown ups are angry they are a bit unreasonable, and that not being able to see his DD makes daddy sad but one day you will all see her.
What you don't want to do is vilify the girl's mother to your DC as, if the mother does change her mind and allow more access while DC are still young, you don't want yours saying to their half-sis 'We'd love to have met you before but your mother was being a cunt about it'. The mother may well have her reasons for stopping access, and they may be valid-ish ie reasons other than sheer malice.

agree with SGB

Am following this with interest, as DH also has a dd from a previous relationship that he no longer sees (long story, point of contention between us, really) and I know one day I will have to explain to my dc that they have a half-sister. But at 6, 5 and 3 I feel they are too young to understand and will merely (as others have said) feel confused and worried. So not sure when is the right time, but as it's something that's difficult for DH (actually for us) to really get a handle on, I can't imagine how to tell our children. I also feel that DH's dd is somehow HIS business ( I have never really been involved with her, sadly) and that I need to respect his wishes regarding her.

Firstly, you need to talk to DP about this at length. You need to be in agreement.

I would get the photos out and ask if he remembers who it is. He will ask who. DP should explain her name, what she is like etc, and that he is her daddy too. DS will probably ask where she lives and why she doesn't live with you. DP should explain this, then explain that he loves her very much and always will, but she lives too far away??? to see them very much. He hopes they will all see each other soon but he's not sure when. Reassure that he loves all his children more than the world, and will always be he Daddy.

There's nothing wrong with you saying to your DS, that is your half-sister, she lives with her mother. One day you might get to meet her.

If he asks when he can meet her, you say, you're working on it, but at the moment it's not possible.

(speaking as someone with half siblings I knew nothing about until I was 25, and DSs with a half sibling)

x posts with SGB

While it's obviously not quite the same, I speak as someone who was adopted as a baby and was always told the most benign and age-appropriate version of the facts, firstly that I was 'chosen' by my parents, later that my birth mother couldn't look after me so gave me to someone who could, etc etc, more understanding of context and reasons came as I got older - my point is that other people who were adopted (or had some other unusual circumstances around their upbringing) but who were either not told at all until they were teenagers - or until they found out for themselves as teenagers or young adults - or who were told a not-very-benign version of the truth (your mother was a Bad Girl, your father was a wicked man who abandoned your mother, or S/he Must Not Be Named) tend to be the ones who go nuts. Either because (and there is no way round this if you conceal adoption/different father than the official version/whatever) the people closest to them have been lying to them for their whole lives, or because they internalise the idea that there is something shameful about their birth circumstances and therefore they themselves are shameful and bad.

So (sorry for perhaps self-indulgent and irrelevant rant) OP: your DC are already going to pick up on the idea that there is SOmething Strange about this little girl whose picture they have seen. Don't let them stew on it on their own and come up with odd, upsetting, mistaken conclusions (that the little girl is dead, that she's 'bad', that if they do something wrong maybe they will disappear and never be mentioned again).

Yes, that is a pertinent point SGB.

I'm going to be a bit self indulgent and anecdotal here. One of my twin daughters was stillborn last year. A lot of (mostly older) people have assumed we will never tell DD about her twin sister, and have been horrified that I plan to be open with her about it from the start. In my mind, it is much easier to deal with a difficult situation if it doesn't suddenly appear out of nowhere.

Good posts SGB. I always knew my Dad (adopted) was not my Father, but couldn't pinpoint when I was told, so would have always know ifyswim.

On the other hand, it was a complete shock to us to find out that one of my cousins, was actually the nephew of his mother, and the son of a different aunt. All because of this secrecy business. It made not one jot of difference to us, he was still our cousin.

Never, ever good to have secrets like this IMO.

Probably already been said, but as a half-sibling whose mum had to force the issue with my dad (who might have conveniently forgotten to mention his 3 other children), I recommend the 'tell as straightfowardly and as young as possible' approach. I am very close to one of my half siblings now, and regard the others as part of the family, but I can only at what finding out about them when I was an adult might have done.

AuntiePickleBottom I'm sorry if I offended you by suggesting that your DF may be an abuser. I was working with very little information, and only saying, "What if..."

I'll bow out now, and repeat my apologies if I hurt you. It was not intended.

Back to SBG, who talks way more sense than me, every time.

Oh, I have another (shocking) anecdote.

A friend's dad left his first wife and children. When he remarried, they decided between them it would be best to tell the first set of children that their dad had died. Eventually they found out the lie. Imagine the heartache there.

I agree he should know. When my half sisters found out about me (and my half brother that father ignored) they were teenagers and it messed them up a bit tbh. The eldest went from being the eldest to the middle child in a few months, faced some ugly truths about the family and generally had her head screwed around at one of her most emotionally vulnerable points of her life

Another anecdote here. My older siblings are my half siblings. I soon as I was old enough to understand the situation I was gently made aware of it and it has been no big deal since.

YANBU.

Surely as it is your DF's DD, it is up to him whether your DS should know about her? If he isn't able to have contact, it is probably a very sore point for him and he may not want to have to deal with questions from an inquisitive child who is then going to want to know far more about the situation.

Children don't give up easily and your DS will keep asking until he gets satisfactory answers, which he will not in this case.

You should go with your DF's wishes and stop pushing it. He may want to wait until your DS is older.

Another anecdote here - found out about two younger siblings when I was aged 19 (from after my parents divorced). It was the fact they had been kept secret that was the real problem - I was so angry that I'd been lied to for the last ten years or so that I moved out.

Things have never been the same since really.

I don't think YABU.