To Push DD into things I know she enjoys?

[rockinhippy]

Not sure this is really the right place, or a AIBU , but hoping for some ideas, as got to be honest worn out with this a bit

DD is 8, extremely creative, also quite competitive by nature, & has up until relatively recently loved to get involved in any art/craft type contests, & often wins, or at very least placed, which she has always been thrilled by.

Not 100% sure if its relevant, or just her age?, but last year she went through a bit of a hard time at School, with a bit of a complex bullying situation, which resulted amongst other things, in the seeds being sown with class mates for mickey taking over her being clever, "nerdy" etc etc, all resolved in the end & she handled it all pretty well & come through it, stronger for it, & now far less likely to worry about anything said to her, real strong level head on her shoulders :)

BUT, where as she once broke her neck to do any art competition type work given at School etc, these days its a real battle to get her interested at all :(

I find this very sad, partly because I know how much she enjoys it really & loves to win, & also because its always been a time she'll listen to my teaching her, I've worked in creative field, art schooled etc etc, so able to teach her a lot.

but Kids being kids, us Mums know generally nowt ...lol... so though she's always making, drawing painting etc, if I make suggestions on how to do something, its generally "Muuum I KNOW THAT ...even though she obviously doesn't ........but competition time, she's hungry to win, so wants my help on how to do things, I never do it for her, but usually these are the times she ups her game & learns something new, & she is always really pleased with herself.

but these days, she will only start work on a competition project IF I push her, she doesn't even tell me, for example I found out about 1 this week the day its due in, only as her teacher mentioned it to me, so its then a 3 hour battle to get her to start it.....

every time I look, she's found something else to distract her, gets stroppy if I sit with her......ends up with a mad rush before bed, late to bed, & me stressed as hell.......whist she's now buzzing because she's just learned a new technique, is chuffed to bits with her entry & can't wait to take it into School

I do have health problems, so I get exhausted very easily, but after one of these sessions, she is totally buzzing & I am left just absolutely stressed & brain fried

Part of me thinks, why exhaust & stress myself, let her get on with not doing it & if it were just the competition angle I would probably do just that, but seeing her work improve so much in one (stressful) sitting, & how proud she is at the end of it, makes it worth while...but WHY does it have to be such a bloody drama ......its been this way for 6 months or so now, & after last night & another 3 hours of talking & cajoling, I was worn out & genuinely ready to say, "stuff it" let her get on with not doing it :(,& NEVER again but its the ONLY time she'll follow my lead on how things can be done & I get to teach her something, & she was so proud of herself afterwards

AIBU to push her, & anyone else had to deal with this sort of thing, is it a phase, any tips

She's obviously learned that to be continually 'winning' gets her grief from the other children. She's now avoiding that situation!

I think LadyThumb is probably right.

I used to win at everything because my mother taught me so much - spelling bees, art competitions, nature quiz, book quiz, anything except a swimming race - and realised at about age 9 that I was disliked for it, especially by Brown Owl

(Not that Brown Owl liked anyone else either.)

I think your daughter has registered the resentment.

Could she not get the same enjoyment out of doing art in a non-competitive setting?

There must be ways of using her art as a social asset, maybe doing projects with her mates where each can use their own talents. Art just doesn't strike me as something that has to be competitive or about being better than others (unlike running or hurdles, where it seems pretty well inevitable). If she is getting fed up with competing, maybe more of a team setting would suit her?

Have noticed that my dd's drama has really taken off since she joined a drama group where it is about supporting each other rather than getting star parts or top marks in exams: even at auditions, it seems very non-competitive.

If you're having to push her to do things then it's perhaps suggesting that she wont enjoy doing them, for whatever reason.

3 hours of cajoling her does sound a bit excessive.

My DD1 is nearly 10 and I try to be careful about the fine line between encouraging her to do things I know she'll enjoy and 'forcing' her to do stuff.

I didn't make her feel bad about giving up karate after a year of doing it because she really didn't want to go, even though she was brilliant at it. She plays a couple of instruments, and I do kind of tell her to practice sometimes, but not to the point that she'll resent doing it.

It could also have nothing to do with the bullying she suffered and just the fact that she's starting to get to be a stroppy tweenager?

Thanks, I have wondered if its all to do with last years bullying problems, though she has insisted its not, & both the ring leader, & another child who liked to wind DD up, have both now left the School, & the general class atmosphere is now generally really lovely,

She is also very popular at school, though she does now favour playing with the Boys a lot more, as she says she gets fed up with the bickering & bitching that goes on with the girls, but that said, she still has the same core group of girl friends, & as she says, " I take them as I find them", if they are being silly & bickering she goes off & does her own thing, doesn't seem affected by it at all, not in the way she was last year, but the situation was extreme & complicated, but thankfully the School have been very supportive & have worked hard to get her through it, so have we & bar this, which I'm not sure whether its still fall out or not hence my posting

& no cory she's not only competitive with art, & then that would only be with art competitions, otherwise she can happily lose herself for hours making/painting etc, though at those times is never interested in me teaching her anything, she can get quite snotty if I offer, but competition times, she wants my guidance & is thrilled to realise she can do something new, which is why I love her to take part in competitions

I've probably not been very clear on that above, she is generally very competitive & likes to win, do well with everything, sport very much included, something else she is also apparently good at, but she also likes to support/help others too, & the School do encourage her this.

& agent I had also wondered about the stroppy "tweenager" (like that term, not heard it before

& yes, you are right, & I'd probably normally give the same advice as you....I let DD give up street dance, even though I was told she was exceptionally good & they wanted to bring her up to competition standard ....she got bored of the weekly lessons, as her words "well, theres no point is there, theres no show or anything" she now will only do the Summer School classes, because there IS a show at the end

the 3 hours cajoling did mainly start with talking about it "brainstorming" ideas to get her enthusiasm going whist we were doing something else, she was buzzing, knew exactly what she wanted to do, & then just faffed around avoiding doing it, this particular contest wins for the School too, & she's usually very keen to get involved with anything like that

On the odd occasion I've tried to teach DD1 something I get the 1000 yd stare into space and I know she's not listening.

I remember doing it myself at 10ish, I'm not sure why your parents teaching you something is just so irritating and mind numbing, but I've accepted it's a natural progression and will get worse until my breathing will irritate her

DD still does dance and band, but she pretty much likes doing her own thing now in an unstructured way, reading, drawing, writing, watching a bit of the goggle box, so long as she's happy, I'm happy.