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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ditch my NCT group...

28 replies

doradoradora · 04/11/2010 18:08

...and how do i do it nicely?

namechanged for this as I think I've made enough casual comments for someone to work out who i am if they really wanted to!

I signed up for an nct refresher course when pregnant with DC2 as we were new to the area. They are all nice enough and at first it was quite nice meeting up in parks etc for the older kids to play.

But i'm starting to get a bit fed up with it really, we're all quite spread out so it's always a bit of a trek going to the meet-ups every week. Since the weather's been rubbish we've started doing meet ups at peoples houses and they all seem to have massive 4/5 bed detached houses... am dreading when it's my turn to have them back to our poky 2 bed terrace!

to be honest, since DS started nursery school I've started meeting more local mums who i get on with better. I just don't think i have much in common with the nct lot... for example the other day they were all talking about how hard it is to find a good cleaner... all I could say was I wish I had a cleaner!

So how do i let them down gently? They are all lovely, just we don't really gel. Do i just keep making excuses for not going til they give up? Or are we now committed to being friends for life?!

OP posts:

ramonaquimby · 04/11/2010 18:10

just don't go
you don't have to explain anything, just make your excuses and leave it at that

BeatrixRotter · 04/11/2010 18:12

It's easy to ditch them by not answering texts etc. Eventually they'll get the message.

YABU though, doesn't sound like they have done anything wrong apart from have bigger houses and cleaners. Unless they are belittling people for not having these things I think you are being an inverted snob.

Perhaps don't be so hasty.

PhishFoodAddiction · 04/11/2010 18:13

Just make an excuse why you can't go to the next one and then drop contact. If you don't enjoy their company or feel you fit in then you don't have to feel obliged to spend time with them.

thisisyesterday · 04/11/2010 18:13

just don't go

megonthemoon · 04/11/2010 18:14

You could just do it gradually if you don't want to have a hard stop and make it seem obvious that you've had enough - so only make it every so often to meet ups and then just gradually stop responding.

YANBU. It's your life and it's too short to make friends with everybody - if you have other people you prefer then spend your time with them.

parakeet · 04/11/2010 18:18

Just make polite excuses for the next couple of meetings, saying how busy you are, then gradually stop responding to emails.

Next!

Imisssleeping · 04/11/2010 18:22

I have a small house, my NCT friends have big houses.
Luckily I judge people for people not the size of their houses so I am still their friend.

Original poster

doradoradora · 04/11/2010 18:32

see it's not that I don't like them, it's just I only have a certain number of free afternoons these days and there's other stuff I'd rather be doing. No reflection on them or their big houses!

OP posts:

Firawla · 04/11/2010 18:35

i would just be fairly honest and say like your finding it difficult to meet up as you only have the limited free time and they are all spread out quite far and you have been busy with stuff locally, which is true according to what you told us here but without bringing in the big houses cleaners etc

SumfingNew · 04/11/2010 18:36

doradoradora - the relative size of your houses seems important to you, if not them.

If you're uncomfortable about your relative wealth and it's that important to you, you shouldn't see them anymore.

Personally, I think it's an incredibly shallow attitude to have.

AliGrylls · 04/11/2010 18:38

If they are nice people they won't judge on materials but judge on how nice a person you are and your values.

AliGrylls · 04/11/2010 18:38

What I think is you should at least give them a chance.

flyingzebra · 04/11/2010 18:42

Weeeell - we all got ditched by someone in our NCT group for the opposite reason - she lived in a big house and was hoping to meet people to go to expensive lunches with and we were a disappointment to her with our modest houses and incomes.

Her tactic was to stop replying to texts, emails, invitations etc.

It was rude but I'm sure she didn't really give a monkeys, given that she didn't want to bother with us.

CoupleofKooks · 04/11/2010 18:43

i know exactly what you mean
if they aren't the type of people you would normally be friends with (and people DON'T usually choose to be friends with people with massive houses and cleaners, unless they live that kind of life also), then just leave it
yes I know it#s possible to have friends from all backgrounds and all walks of life etc etc
but you do need to have some things in common, basic values, interests, etc, to make a decent friendship, and it's not so likely you will have those in common with someone who lives a radically different lifestyle to you
if it isn't working and you have other friends who you like, why pursue these friendships? I don't see why everyone is being contrary and telling you that you should (except for AIBU kneejerk reaction)

Georgimama · 04/11/2010 18:43

Most of my friends have significantly more money than me, so I can't understand the OP's attitude at all - it simply isn't an issue. If someone was rude enough to sneer at my rented 2 bed then they wouldn't be my friend.

However as you have decided these are not your sort of people, just don't respond to invites. They'll get the message.

Imisssleeping · 04/11/2010 18:47

Most of my friends live in houses alot bigger than mine, but I grew up with some of these people and knew them when they didn't live in big houses.
They are still the same people.
People in big houses can be 'normal' you know !

CerealParliamentaryArsonist · 04/11/2010 18:50

i ditched my nct groups after the first meeting, it was twaterama

sethstarkaddersmum · 04/11/2010 18:50

it's not inverted snobbery, it would just be boring for you if everyone is talking about cleaners etc and you can't join in. OP didn't say they were horrible, after all, she said 'they are all lovely, just we don't really gel'.

KERALA1 · 04/11/2010 18:53

Think OPs judging them on their houses is abit off. When I moved here I got dumped by a local mum and am sure it was because of my house. Really didnt care she was a dull git anyway.

The OPs reason that they live further away is a better one - travel with tiny children can be a pain and its so much easier popping to a neighbours than schlepping miles away.

MummyBerryJuice · 04/11/2010 18:59

Hang on. I don't think the OP is saying that the NCT group aren't nice/normal/friendly etc just that they are not from the same background/ situation and that she may feel a little uncomfortable with that. That doesn't mean she s an inverted snob/insecure etc just that she is honest enough to admit her real feelings (most f us are intimidated by people with more material wealth than us unless we've known them for a long time or very well)

My NCT group is lvely nbut we have a very large geographical area and therefore we only meet up once every 4-6weeks. I find that I enjoy the conversation (we live very rurally) but would probably not be really good friends with any of the other mums.

So, to stop rambling, YANBU IMHO

piscesmoon · 04/11/2010 19:07

I found the NCT a great way of meeting people. I can remember us specifically trying to target anyone who was interested-regardless of size of house. However if you have found people locally, I would just stop going-people come and go at these things.

iamamug · 04/11/2010 19:08

I could not have survived without my NCT girls.. all different - at the time we were all in different financial circumstances - none of us had much but some had more than others.

None of that mattered - it was all about the friendship. To be honest, we broke away from the local 'bumps and babies' type thing and just met up with eachother.

16 years down the line and we are all still very good friends.
The mums have nights out, days out etc and the dads have a long weekend away together every year. We have just booked our Christmas meal out - never missed one yet.

There have been more children born since then, most mums back at work, 3 done degrees and we have been there for eachother through lots of stuff.
First grandchild born this year!

I love them all dearly - don't give up on what could potentially be lifelong friendships.

PlentyOfPockets · 04/11/2010 19:10

I had a sort-of similar experience when I had DC2, except I really liked this group of women. They all had partners and lovely big houses whereas I was on my own in a pokey rented flat. It didn't matter to me at all until it was my turn to have them round. I put tremendous effort into rearranging my living room and borrowing neighbours' chairs to fit them all in, spent precious money on posh biscuits and fruity teas etc. and then half an hour before they were due to turn up, one of them phoned and said they'd decided to have the meeting at xxx's house because it was far more practical and we could all sit in her lovely garden and somebody was coming round to pick me up.

I don't think they were being deliberately snobby, I think they genuinely thought they were being kind (except I did hear later that one of them was worried about leaving her car in a "dodgy" area), but I did feel hurt and I slowly stopped going after that.

It's not clear whether you've had DC2 yet or whether you're still PG. I think if you're new to the area it's really important to try and get your support network in place before the baby arrives, so if you're not gelling with this crowd and you're finding other mums you get on better with, trust your instincts and just stop going.

Original poster

doradoradora · 04/11/2010 20:06

Thanks for the input, I was starting to feel a bit mean so glad not everyone thinks i am BU! Plentyofpockets at your friends, i would have been offended too!

If i'm honest, i was slightly intimidated when i realised they all had much bigger houses than us. But I wouldn't stop being friends with someone just because of that, it's more that it's such a hassle to pick DS up from nursery at 1, rush home to feed the baby then drive half an hour to sit in someone's house for an hour while the au pair passes round biscuits (seriously!)and i kind of feel the conversation passes me by a bit because we just don't have anything in common except kids a similar age. I would rather take the kids to the playground with DS's friend's mum who lives round the corner.

To be honest i just seem to have gone from knowing noone in the village where we've moved to, to knowing too many people, iyswim!

But i feel a bit guilty now, maybe i'll keep going every now and then but just won't go to every single meet-up.

OP posts:

ProfYaffle · 04/11/2010 20:36

fwiw, I think YANBU. I had a similar experience with our local NCT, it's not a matter of snobbery but our lives were just so different there wasn't any common ground.

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