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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask to be put first?

17 replies

OutOutLetItAllOut · 03/11/2010 12:36

i had an emergency hospital appointment last week, found out in the morning, and had to go.

hubby was working away, tried but couldnt get back for it, so i called and asked my mum to have the kids. the hosp is an hrs journey from my place, ( i dont drive) and appointmet was at 4.30. it wasnt something i could take them with me to, and the youngest is too young to be left in the waiting room with the older 2. she said no, and that she was going to see her friend and her baby who had a birthday another day of last week. i asked her if she could see her friend earlier in the day and then come to mine, and she said no.
she thought i was being totally out of order to ask her to change her plans to help me out.
i never ask her to have the kids, but i do try to let her see them when ever she wants and i invite her over all the time. but she never wants to, always has plans with my sisters, or give me the ''im not to sure what my plans are'' line.
it has really upset and pissed me off that when i NEEDED her she refused to help me. but i havent bothered saying anything. but i spoke to her today, and she has said that instead of coming to see me and the kids this weekend, as planned, she is again going to see this mate, to have her child, so she can go and do her food shopping.
now im really annoyed. i needed her, for something that i couldnt take the kids to. and she refused, and now she is bailing on me again, to put this friend first. am i being totally UR to pull her up and ask what the hell her problem is?

OP posts:
LadyViper · 03/11/2010 12:45

she obviously has an underlying issue with you.I would ring her up and calmly ask her what it is, but do not get angry or emotional as that won't get you anywhere. :-( thats awful, you must be feeling really confused and upset. I hope you get it sorted out.

femalevictormeldrew · 03/11/2010 12:45

YANBU at all

thumbwheel · 03/11/2010 12:47

no YANBU - why are you apparently bottom of her list? :(

badfairy · 03/11/2010 12:48

For whatever reason, your mother obviously feels that she has a greater obligation to her friend than to you. I have no idea of your history but whatever it is I think you need to sit her down and have a chat. It may be that you won't like what you hear but at least you will know what the problem is one way or another.

Good luck

x

Original poster
OutOutLetItAllOut · 03/11/2010 12:59

i have tried to talk to her in the past, last yr being most recent. i found out that she had told other people a very very personal thing about me, and was totally gutted by it. so i asked her why my feelings were not as important to her. i tried to get her together to talk to her, and she wouldnt, so i wrote her a letter, which i then tried to talk to her about, and she refused.

OP posts:
OTTMummA · 03/11/2010 13:12

If my mum, or anyone had done that to me OP, i wouldn't have them in my life anymore.

She can't be trusted with sensitive information.
She clearly doesn't think she should be someone to lean on when you need someone.
She won't treat you like an adult by respecting you, or talking to you about why she is so horrible to you.

I would tell her how angry and dissapointed you are with her, and that you won't be particpating in a relationship anymore if she refuses to give you her excuse as to why she is being so shitty.

You don't need this OP, even if she is your mum, don't put up being treated like this.

Meow75 · 03/11/2010 13:30

Have you asked your sister(s) about this? Do you get on with her/them well enough to ask?

They might have a perspective having overheard or seen something.

Original poster
OutOutLetItAllOut · 03/11/2010 13:32

OTT, i know i should just walk away, i would if it was a friend. but stupid as it sound, she is my mum, i want her in my life, i want her to want to be in my life.

OP posts:
Original poster
OutOutLetItAllOut · 03/11/2010 13:33

Meow, i dont get on well with them, they are 10 and 8 yrs younger than i am, and still live at home. they are very dependant on my mum and dad, and they all go everywhere together.

OP posts:
OTTMummA · 03/11/2010 17:59

But by the sounds of it she clearly, and wrongly BTW, has got a problem with wanting to be in your life.
Just because she's your mum doesn't mean she will ever be the mum you want, so you have to decided wether to stop pulling her up on her behaviour towards you, and accept she's a crap mum.
Here are what options i see for you.
Carry on like this, like a nagging little puppy following her round, waiting for any tidbts of respect yet continually getting rejected and ignored.
Stop interacting with her, asking for no help, revert to basic communications and see how you feel with having your self respect back.

BlueFergie · 03/11/2010 18:15

YANBU - She is insensitive and hurtful towards you. She knows that she upsets you and won't discuss it with you. If I am upset my mother would move mountains to fix it for me, and if she was the cause she would be devestated. Her love for me and my sisters takes precedence over everything else. This is what motherly love is. This is what I feel for my own DC.
You do not get this from your mother. Her presence in your life is unhealthy for you. What are the benefits? Have you had counselling to discuss this relationship as I think you should. You seem very sad that there is not the same relationship there with her as your sisters have and I think you are hanging on hoping it will change. You need to get the strength to accept it will not and distance yourself and counselling will help. You can not force your mother to be a better parent, you need to protect yourself and stop letting her hurt you.

cruelladepoppins · 03/11/2010 19:22

What OTTMummA said. Sorry for your troubles, OP.

There are people you can love without being able to rely on, and it sounds as though, for you, your mother is one such person.

thumbwheel · 03/11/2010 21:43

Did she have you young, Out? Does she resent you at all? So sad for you that you are having these problems.

Original poster
OutOutLetItAllOut · 04/11/2010 08:47

yes, she did have me young, i was the unplanned one, the other 2 were 'wanted'.

OP posts:
Hullygully · 04/11/2010 09:06

Oh poor you.

Hugs and love.

thumbwheel · 04/11/2010 12:50

oh dear, OutOut. It is very sad that your mother is carrying on with her feelings of resentment/whatever and not getting over them. I know it's not the same but my mum wanted a boy first so I was a disappointment to her; and I knew that from quite early on. She was never as bad as your mum seems to be but it was so very obvious that my bro was higher up the affection stakes than I was.

I know it won't help you but your mum really needs to grow up and sort herself out. If having you stopped her doing things with her life, then she can do them now, or when your sibs get a bit older. There is only one person who can change your mum's situation and attitude though and that is her - and she has to be willing to do it.

In the meantime, you will probably have to accept that she harbours this resentment towards you that prevents her from doing things for you - and get on with life withouto expecting too much from her.

Original poster
OutOutLetItAllOut · 04/11/2010 20:49

you are all right, i think i need to take a step back. i will carry on with my life, and let her see the kids, but other than that, i dont think i can have her in MY life.

OP posts:
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