to want to be friends with both after a split?

[Niceguy2]

Hi all

A couple I've gotten to know really well over the last few years and whom really supported me during my split with my ex, have themselves just split up.

Neither have done anything particularly bad. Just grown apart over the years.

Ideally I'd like to continue to be friends with both but not sure how realistic this is.

Already one is trying to pump me for information on how the other is feeling. Or ask me for advice on what to do etc.

Has anyone successfully managed this?

AIBU to try to be friends to both? I really don't want to pick sides. I love both of them.

I think you can be friends with both if you set out the ground rules early. Make it clear to both of them that you won't be put in the middle and that they need to respect that if they want to continue the friendship. Then I guess you'll just have to see how it goes?

I've managed it with my best friend and her ex. Tricky to start with but now they are both with someone else and have moved on in life it is far easier.

Can you tell each of them how you are feeling and make it clear that you don't want to be stuck in the middle or take sides? Either that or just be a little more distant until they have moved on a bit.

It CAN work, but IMO it is not really down to you whether or not it WILL work - it will only be ok if the ex-couple themselves 'allow' you to do this by not putting you in the middle.

Yes you can.

Years ago my SIL split up from BIL (DH's sister) and we made the point of not taking sides and having non commital answers, You know the stuff, 'Oh dear' 'crikey' ' hmmm'. Guess what they got back together!!

Anyway 15 years later they split up again this time it was permanent (they are now divorced) and we had the same tactic.

They are both friendly with each other now and we did the correct thing by not commenting but listening to her rant in the early days when she needed to but not slagging him off.

Like your case nothing particularly bad had happened - if it had it would have been different.

Stay neutral ad non commital is my advice.

It's just daft things like we'd planned a night out with her at the end of this month. Assuming it still goes ahead, I'm worrying about how the inevitable photos will look when they appear on Facebook and he's looking at them.

It's so hard cos when I split with my ex, they sided with me to my surprise rather than her. We'd met through my ex so I assumed they'd just side with her as my ex would never have tolerated anyone being on "my side". But then she was a psycho!

Having been on the other end of this dilemma and originally having been upset that various 'joint friends' opted to cease contact, I'm actually quite pleased in retrospect people didn't make the effort to be even-handed and stay in touch. It meant I could move on and make new friends without having to be constantly reminded of the past or risk any awkward clashes.

Bloody taking sides - it's like being at school!!!

It will only work if both of them know that you are still friends with the other and are not going to get upset about it.

Maybe a quick "are you ok with this" chat might be required.

DH's best mate split very acrimoniously with his wife. I'd bump into her from time to time; once or twice it got back to him that I'd been talking to her and he made it very clear that this was unacceptable. I'd never see the guy again if it was up to me, but he's dh's bf. DH was almost bereft at the thought that he'd lose his best mate just because I was talking to his ex. She moved away with a new man so it became moot.

On the other hand, one of my bf's split with her long term partner. She was quite happy for me to continue seeing him as he was one of my bf's too. In fact, they were both so sensible that the subject never really came up, they both assumed I'd carry on seeing them both - just not at the same time for a few years!

I think if it were up to me alone, if one of them objected to you seeing the other I'd be tempted to drop the objector. If they're both OK with you seeing them both then you're quids in.