to find it really hard to make new friends

[jacksmomma]

i am due to start a new job soon after ml , i am feeling really nervous because at my last job i did not seem to be popular at all, the thing is though every time i tried to join in conversations i would be ignored and all they ever talked about was there next holiday or dc (i had no dc then and i am far too skint to go on holiday) i have been told i appear up myself and standoffish im really not im just very shy and naturally a quiet person , i also find it hard to trust people since the last good friend i made left me on my own after a drunken misunderstanding in town which culminated in me being raped and she spread a lot of nasty untrue rumours about me .
i am not lonely by any means but it would be nice to have work friends and not sit on my own reading at lunch times any advice ?

I am not at all surprised that you find it hard to trust people after such an awful experience. I am so sorry you were raped and then had to suffer further hurt when this so called friend spread rulings about you. It must have been awful, have you had any support with this?

I have experienced rape also and found it very hard to relate to people afterwards. My current job has been better though. I saw it as a fresh start which helped although I would say I am still quite lonley and find it hard to connect with people.

It's a new start for you and no one knows so hopefully it will be better for you. I am not the best person to ask for advice as I haven't figured it out myself but I really hope it goes well at your new job.

It's hard, isn't it. I'm pretty shy and sure I've come across as aloof in the past.

But you won't be the only one. In your new job, I bet there'll be one or two others who keep their distance from the 'in'-crowd - be open and friendly to them.

And often the talk of holidays and dc's, etc, is just a way of finding some common ground - anything to aleviate the humdrum day - and maybe discover a deeper friendship eventually. So don't dismiss it all as superficial.

If people ignore you in big groups, it's harder for them to ignore you one to one. If, say, a group's been talking about someone's dc's birthday party, ask them how it went. They'll love you!

You had a horrific experience, which is bound to have a knock-on effect on your confidence and self-esteem. Hve you had any councelling?

Could you try different arenas of meeting people?
Say through mumsnet, playgroups, citysocialising, gumtree?
And only meet them in safe situations like during the day in town for a coffee or taking your little ones to the park.

I agree making genuine friends is hard espcially if your shy but the more places you try the more likely you are to meet like minded people and make good friendships.

Good Luck
x

It depends whether you just want to "get on" with people at work or whether you actually want to form friendships. I have worked with the same people ( pretty much) for the past 8 years and "get on" with 99% of them but would only really call 1 my friend and even then I don't socialise with them outside of work. This suits me fine as most of the staff are men or much younger than me and we don't have the same interests in common. I think making friends is hard, even if you are confident - so when you have had a knock like you have it makes that first step even more of a mountain to climb.

I too was raped many years ago in my 20's and I really hope you have had some counselling and support from somewhere as the pp said as it will help to rebuild your confidence and realise that "most people" aren't going to hurt you.

Is there something you enjoy doing, a class you could join or a group you could go to where you meet people who like the same things your do - I agree that you are much more likely to meet similar minded individuals in those sorts of situations

x