to be annoyed at my friend (long)

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okay, this is wedding related so I await a flaming from all the wedding haters?

A friend from college (who I love but only see irregularly now as we live a long way apart - we are not super close any more but I still count her as a good friend who 'gets' me despite the distance) has been having some marital issues. I have deliberately kept my nose out of it exactly because we are not so close anymore. I told her (back in July) that I am here if she needs another shoulder to cry on but completely understand if she doesn't want to rehash the whole thing with every person she talks to. She has other friends closer to her who I know she has been talking to so I haven?t left her in the lurch with no one to talk to.

I have tried to speak to her on the phone since July but she hasn't answered or returned my calls or voicemails. This is not unusual (long distance, we both have busy jobs) and I was fairly busy with wedding planning so wasn't paying too much attention to it. But I have certainly tried to keep in touch.

Wedding was about a month ago. After the service and before we got to the reception, I realised that she hadn't been there. I was initially a bit concerned that something had happened to her (car accident or emergency of some sort) but my bridesmaid (who is also friends with her) told me she wasn't well.
So wedding day went fine, her not being there didn't ruin it or anything but I did miss her. And on more than one occasion mentioned to the others in our friendship group that it was a shame she wasn't well, would have been lovely to have her there etc etc. We have a silly traditional photo that we take when we are together and she wasn?t there for this one which I commented on. You get the idea.

We went on honeymoon fairly soon after. About a week into honeymoon, I sent her a text message saying hope she was feeling better, we had missed her on the day etc etc. No response.

After I got back (last week), I was a bit surprised and a wee bit disappointed to realise that she hadn't sent a congratulations/apologies card. That week I called her and left a voicemail saying it would be nice to catch up - didn't mention the wedding - again no response.

Then spoke to my bridesmaid who fessed up that actually she wasn't sick but was having a hard time with her husband.
At this point, I started to get a leetle pissed off. I can understand that if things were really tough, then they might not be able to come together and put on a united front and even that she didn't feel strong enough to come on her own (like that might be too close to an announcement that they were in serious trouble). But

1. She didn't have the decency to let me know prior or even on the day so that I could sort out the logistics (eg we were holding a hotel room for them which we ended up having to pay for)

1. she ended up forcing my bridesmaid (and other friends in the same group)to lie to me all day and play along with my sympathy for her being ill

1. she obviously didn't trust me enough to just be honest and say 'I really can't come at the moment ? things are too hard' ? I would have been disappointed but completely understood.

Anyway, I am going to see that friendship group this weekend (last minute ? she wouldn?t have had any idea until Sunday so not an excuse not to be in contact otherwise) and someone put her on a group email (not me!). Her only direct comment to me was ?how was the honeymoon??

AIBU to be annoyed at her? I don?t know what to do. Her email now makes me feel like I am being petty for holding a grudge. But really? Do people just not turn up to weddings without so much as an apology? And lie about why? And pretend nothing is wrong thereafter? Should I turn the other cheek and put it down to her having a bad time?

I haven?t responded to her email and not sure what to say. I hate email for this type of thing and I would call her but that doesn?t seem to have got me very far lately. Tempted to wait to the weekend until I see her in person but will probably cry? Sigh. This sucks.

I think you have to trust that she really was having a horrible time and also probably didn't want to intrude it upon your wedding.

yanbu. I think your friend has been very rude and hurtful by ignoring several phonecalls and not bothering to let you know she wasn't coming to the wedding. Don't e-mail her back, she might be v. apolgetic when you see her on Sunday.

When your own relationship is in the shit, having to sit through the enforced jollity of someone else's wedding is the embodiment of hell on earth. Ask yourself how bad things must have got for her to stay out of touch like that. Then ask how she is when you see her in person.

I understand her not wanting to go to a wedding when she's feeling shit - but that doesn't excuse her ignoring your calls, not explaining she wouldn't be there, and leaving you to pay for a hotel room.

I'd be annoyed, see what she says when you see her, she might say sorry and explain.

YANBU. Even if she is having a tough time and cannot face the wedding which is kind of understandable a card with a genuine note explaining the situation would have sufficed - you sound like a reasonable person and not a bridezilla! I would be abit miffed and hurt too and not over bothered about making much effort with her in the future.

I think you might do better to be a little worried about her, rather than miffed. You just don't know what may be causing her to keep out of the way. Perhaps stop contacting her directly (in ways which her husband could be monitoring?) but remind her, through the mutual friend who is still in touch with her, that you are happy to listen and support her in any way she needs. Maybe then just send the usual uncontroversial stuff like Christmas cards, so she realises you're not cutting her out but there is no pressure to respond.

Don't reply to the email or mention anything.She has acted as though you don't exist, when you see her just be civil and move on to chat to somebody else.

I think YAB a bit U, and it would be petty to hold a grudge.

Put yourself in her shoes for a minute - you're having MAJOR troubles of some sort with your husband, you're busy with work and your friend keeps trying to contact you and you just don't have time to reply. Your friend is getting married and it's a long way away from home, you're not sure how you feel so decide to play it by ear as to whether or not to attend. A couple of days before, you decide you can't face it but rather than upset the bride by telling her, you don't call and hope that she doesn't notice you're missing because she's having such a lovely time. You ask another friend to say you're ill if the bride asks where you are rather than disappoint her - friend AGREES.

A few weeks later, friend calls but by now you feel so guilty for not calling and forgetting to send a card that you can't face calling her back directly. Then you get included on a group email and think perhaps you should try to build bridges.

Maybe she's been wishing you would stick your nose in a bit, rather than thinking these other mates are supporting her.

Tbh it doesn't matter what trouble she was having , it only takes five minutes to send a card or even a text to say congratulations . It's rude not to.

We had several people just not turn up to our wedding after saying that they were coming. I think it's awful tbh, so thoughtless to not even ring with an excuse or send apologies afterwards

Hully/Chil: I hear what you are saying, I really do. I am trying to work out my hurt here rather than directly on her because I know she has plenty to deal with. And I completely understand that. I guess I would have really appreciated a wee card just to acknowledge that she didn't make it. Maybe that's still too much to ask in her current mental state. I will take that on board.

Annie: she is in contact with other mutual friends a lot; she travelled to close to where I live last weekend to visit family; she's just ignoring me - obviously it's to do with the fact that I am in 'happy wedding' mode. There is absolutely no suggestion that her husband is controlling her - I am not going to get into what the issues are because they are beside the point but it's more to do with two people being in different places than 'bad behavour' on the part of one of them (as far as I know from what other friends have told me).

Perhaps I should have stuck my nose in more and tried to help her through it more actively but it's very hard when she won't return any of my calls or texts. And I can't physically be there that much as much as I would like.

I think Bonfirey is probably right; she's probably feeling guilty now about the whole thing and is trying to put a brave face on the whole thing.

Unfortunately I don't think I can do the same without it doing harm to our friendship in my own head but I will do my very very best - I mean that sincerely BTW, am not trying to be pissy about it.

please don't hold it against her - I can truly understand why she didn't want to tell you about it - you were in the throws of lovea nd marriage and hers was breaking down.
I think if i was in that situation, I'd want to avoid all happy couples, too.

She didn't tell this to you because she felt guilty about feeling like that, or felt so low in herself that she couldn't bear to.

When you see her, say thank you for asking about the honeymoon, was lovely, friendly hotel staff etc.
SAy you were sorry she wasn't at hte wedding, you missed her, and then move on.
Ask her how she is, and let her do the talking.

x-post, so i'll read your now. :)

you sound like a nice kind friend in how you talked to her about her troubles back in July. I'd hold back on the annoyance as you don't know what exactly happened with her dh, but I would try to talk to her on her own if you can and get the full story from her. It sounds as if she has been hurtful and rude but be the bigger person here as you don't know how bad things have been for her. Of course it is really appalling to drop you in it with the room etc but she must have been going through a terrible time not to show up. You never know what someone else is suffering so go easy on her

Sounds like she was in a really bad place. Tes, she has treated you badly but I bet it was completely unintentional. I would just try to move on from it, if someone is depressed or under a lot of strain it can be very difficult to look past their own problems and think of others. Bet she feels awful now. She will need her friends so take a deep breath, bite your tongue and give her a hug when you see her.

I think you are being a bit U. You would know if she was a malicious person and it sounds like she isn't.

She is probably quite overwhelmed by her own problems at the moment & didn't want to inflict her misery on you when you are clearly at such a happy place in your life.

I think YBU to hold a grudge - you've done well up until now to be cool & calm & understanding - keep giving her the benefit of the doubt & keep the door open.

If the cost of the hotel room is really bugging you then its probably not U to ask her to cover that esp if it's going to eat away at you.

YANBU. It's pretty shoddy not to hear from her at all. However no matter what problems she's been having she has told other people and not you. It does sound a little bit like your friend perhaps doesn't hold your friendship on the same basis that you do and that she doesn't feel the closeness any longer.
It doesn't excuse her behaviour, no matter what's going on at home - you've made a lot of effort and have had none in return.
Perhaps it's now time to re-evaluate her friendship.

Personally, I think this is a bit shit. Whether she's going through a hard time or not, it only takes a few minutes to send a text or an email - it wasn't like it had to be face-to-face or on the phone.

Bad manners. Obviously she's had a hard time of it lately, but she should have let you know.

Yes, it was bad manners not to speak to you, however a wedding is the last place someone having marital problems would wish to be. I'd put this behind you and move on.

Imho your friend meant no harm but was feeling too raw/depressed about her own marital problems to be able to communicate about your (anyone's) wedding.

Perhaps she was worried about how to decline your invitation without causing offence, and then 'bottled it' and didn't send any message at all :(
Yes, the above was bad manners on such an important occasion, but if your friend is otherwise happy for you, maybe cut her a little slack and forgive her.

I think YANBU on the whole - however shitty her marriage is, whatever bad place she was in, it was still thoughtless and a bit selfish of her not to let you know that she wasn't going to make it, for whatever reason.

The card afterwards - well, that happens. I had at least 2 friends who didn't make it to my wedding and swore they had a card and present sitting waiting to be posted, but never received them - I didn't follow up, they just didn't post them (even if they actually had them). It's not great but I wouldn't hold that against them.

I hope that when you see her you can manage to put it behind you and chat normally; but I guess you feel that the damage has been done and your friendship is no longer what you thought it was. No benefit will come from voicing that though so I would let it go and just see her as a group friend.