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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to get a bit irritated and offended when my friend says things about the area where I live?

22 replies

taintedpaint · 01/11/2010 21:37

I'm not sure if I'm just being a bit defensive and I'm perfectly willing to accept it if I am, but the situation is as follows:

I live on a small road that is connected to a council estate. In the past, it has had a bad reputation, but it isn't bad now. I think that's probably beside the point, but I'm not sure. I like it here, I have nice neighbours and the local schools are good.

A friend of mine, a really close friend who I care a lot about, occasionally makes comments about where I live. It's little things like "oh, I'm thinking about moving....but I'd never want to live in (name of area)" or if I make a comment about getting woken up by people coming home late one night, she will say "well, come on, you do live in (name of estate)". It bothers me when she says that and I don't know if I'm being stupid or too sensitive etc.

I am raising my nephew here and I am pregnant and do not plan on moving, so it feels a bit like a judgement on my choices as a parent. I'm pretty certain that's not what she's saying, but I think that's why it stings. It's as if she is saying that my family and I aren't doing the best we could. I'm not sure if she knows what she's doing, she's a smart person, but these comments just roll out of her mouth like she assumes I wouldn't care or that I'd agree with her. I'm sorry, I don't think I'm explaining this very well!

I don't plan on saying anything to my friend, I just keep telling myself to stop being stupid and that she's not judging me, but it still hurts a bit and I don't know if I'm justified in feeling like that.

So AIBU to be bothered by this?

OP posts:

SecretNutellaFix · 01/11/2010 21:39

I think you might need to have a bit of a chat with her.

ForMashGetSmash · 01/11/2010 21:45

Say something! Say "Oh shut up about where I live,dont you think it's rude to undermine someone's home?" and then laugh raucously and nudge her in a friendly way....so she can't say you are attacking her.

Or dump her!

pointydog · 01/11/2010 21:49

This is not uncommon. I have had a few comments like that from friends.

Sometimes they're trying to make is a joke (showing great lack of humour and tact) and sometimes they are oblivious to how I might feel.

I tend to just ignore it.

mumbar · 01/11/2010 21:49

She probably doesn't mean it tbh. I live in an area which has rough parts. When I say the area I get a but my road is a new build estate, has its problems but isn't generally as bad.

Yesterday I was helping my closest friend look at houses in area. She is in the posh sought after for school part of town. (altho the sch has just has satis ofsted). Its about a mile from me.

We found a lovely looking house, she really liked it but didn't know the road. I told it it was the one behind mine which is the one the emergeny only access can go through. She said 'Oh no, I don't want to live round there' It wasn't an insult just how she feels, she's round here enough to not hate the area and lets her DC's play out on my road wth mine and the neighbours.

YANBU to be upset, but I don't think she's judging you personally.

Original poster

taintedpaint · 01/11/2010 21:53

Thanks for your replies. :)

I don't want to dump her as a friend, she is one of the oldest friends I have and I love her to bits. My gut is telling me she really doesn't see it the same way I do. We've been there for each other through a lot and I value her friendship so much.

I think I may be able to say something in a jokey way that could make her think about what she's saying, I just feel a bit wounded, but there's no way I think she would set out to make me feel like that.

OP posts:

sharon137 · 01/11/2010 21:55

I live in an area that is known for its "bogans" (Aussie term for chav). My DH and I moved here because we couldn't afford to buy a home in the area we were renting.
A lot of people raised their brows and sucked their teeth a bit when we said we were moving here, and still make the odd comment about how they wouldn't want to live here, etc. It riles me a bit more than it should, especially as we likeit here and like the people, who are generally lovely and not bogans at all.
I have said something to a couple of friends, but really, I don't know if it makes a difference to my feeling a bit hostile towards them because I still know what they are thinking, even if they don't say it if you know what I mean!
So YANBU by being upset, but try and not let it bother you - I let it bother me and it has affected some friendships which IS unreasonable and a real shame!

mumbar · 01/11/2010 21:59

Oh and tainted FWIW I'm not saying my friends comment didn't bother me tbh, just I know she wouldn't mean to upset me. Just like your feeling tbh.

I just replied 'cheers, well at least I know you wno't be wanting coffee more often' I know she doesn't mean it as being a new build, 25% housing, theres a park, more families so is actually a better place to live with dc's even if it's not the 'posh' part of town.

Mammie81 · 01/11/2010 22:10

Loads of my friends are like this about the area that DP and I plan to move to. We grew up there and so to us, its not rough, its just normal.

And when we find a great little house, for cheaps, that we can do up and sell for much more than we paid, who'll be laughing then! Ignore your friend, its really crass to say such things about someones home.

redflag · 01/11/2010 22:11

I used to live and work in Leeds.
Before i got a good job, i was a hairdresser. One of the blokes who worked there asked where i lived I said "halton Moore" He then went mental saying it was rough and terrible and poor me having to live amongst the hoards of gangs and trouble makers (actually i came from a really rough part of London, Halton moore was a delight compared to Rayner's lane estate lol)
I told him how quiet it was there he then said " That's because everyone has silencers on their guns"

I nearly wet myself laughing.

Original poster

taintedpaint · 01/11/2010 22:18

Aw I really appreciate you all replying to me. :)

You've all touched on things that really resonate with me. It just hurts that someone I really care about would think things like this, and more to the point, think that saying them wouldn't bother me.

I think if I told her it upset me, she would be apologetic, but I also think it might put a wall up between us and I really don't want that there. I have only a few close friends and she is definitely one of them and I just don't want this to become an issue between us.

I do feel an awful lot better having talked about this on here, and to hear you all say I'm not being stupid.

OP posts:

LittleMissHissingFirecracker · 01/11/2010 23:04

Honey, she is offending you, whether or not she means to.

All you have to say is I live there. You don't have to like it, but it's OK for me. Tell her you love her, but that her comments do make you sad.

If you don't diffuse this, nip it in the bud, then it WILL become an issue.

It's enough of one for you to post about it..

You are not being stupid, it'd piss me off no end.

I remember your story and you are doing the best you can, and doing pretty bloody well too, so it doesn't matter what she thinks about where you live.

Original poster

taintedpaint · 01/11/2010 23:13

You're so sweet LittleMiss :) and !

I'm trying my hardest at the moment, it's not easy to inherit a four-year-old, but I really love him to bits and I'm doing the best I can with him. I'm guessing you also remember about my mum, so yeah, my friends are doubly important to me.

I think I'm going to hold off saying something until the next time it comes up. If I say something without a comment having happened, it will be obvious it's played on my mind, and I think that will make it into more of an issue than I want it to be.

Thank you so, so much for your post, that meant a lot. :)

OP posts:

LittleMissHissingFirecracker · 01/11/2010 23:31

Oh yeah, absolutely, don't need to bring it up, that makes it a bigger issue.

When she says it again, have a polite word.

From zero to 4yo, you really got chucked in at the deep end... but he's young enough, he'll come round, he's been through a lot.

FattyArbuckel · 02/11/2010 06:03

Just tell her that when she says she wouldn't be prepared to live In your area it cmes across as saying it's good enough for you but not for her so it upsets you because this is not how friends should trea each other.

Chil1234 · 02/11/2010 06:41

YANBU Your friend is being snobbish and unkind. Could be deliberate or unconscious but you need to tell her, next time she makes a cutting remark, that it offends you. If she's as good a friend as you say, she'll see that it's wrong & stop doing it.

Rockbird · 02/11/2010 07:19

Second time I met my brother in law he kept up a monologue through dinner about the area I was from as he used to go to school there. None of DH's (big) family told him to stop (he was a grown man btw) and I have never forgotten that. Despite it being 12 years ago I can't quite let it go. Would never mention it or be anything less than good humoured but I'll never forget how humiliated I felt as a guest in their home being attacked like that.

thereistheball · 02/11/2010 07:35

My sister and BIL do this. They also amalgamate the area we live with the notoriously dodgy area next door - for instance, when calling a taxi. I have tried pointing out that if we weren't next door to a dodgy area, the nice house we live in wouldn't be affordable to us. I think they are I can't see any good coming of calling them on it.

Chil1234 · 02/11/2010 07:37

" I can't see any good coming of calling them on it."

But being insulted is OK?...

ayjayjay · 02/11/2010 08:32

YABNU to be a bit offended but you are reading far too much into it.

My sister has 3 children and lives in an area in SE London that I would never move to because it's so rough. However I have never thought her living there makes her an unfit mother or that it means she is unwilling to do the best by her children. I actually think she's a fantastic mum and would be whereever she lived.

thereistheball · 02/11/2010 09:11

Sorry, meant to say 'I think they are being rude but I can't see any good coming of calling them on it' - because they don't mean to be rude and for me to point it out would lead to a long and acrimonious discussion that I don't particularly want to have.

badfairy · 02/11/2010 10:05

YANBU maybe a little over sensitive but your friend sounds like a bit of a snob to be honest. My sister and her family are always making comments about the town we live in because she lives in a much more upmarket district but I just ignore it. I wouldn't want to be totally strapped with a HUGE mortgage just so I can boast about where I live

LittleMissHissingFirecracker · 02/11/2010 10:09

I used to live across the bridge from Harlesden.

Funnily enough, despite the area housing at the time, the most notorious estate in Europe (apparently) crime in our immediate area was low.

So perhaps a good come back for anyone who sucks their teeth when you tell them where you live would be the following:

Criminals don't often do it on their own back door step, for fear of being recognised.

They tend to go that little bit further and burgle the posher areas.. like

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