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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want dp to STOP SMOKING!!

22 replies

sunndydays · 01/11/2010 20:39

It makes me so angry, I used to smoke, not muc, but the second I found out I was pregnant (not planned) I stopped.

I thought he had done the same. I knew he used to smoke when he went to the pub but I let it go.

Now dd is 4 months and he is still lying about it! I have brought it up with him a few times and he says he is trying and that it was ok for me because I found it easy, as we all know on here having a baby is a piece of cake Hmm

I just don't want here growing up with a parent who smokes and it is bad for you and I don't know what I would do if anything happened to him!

The fact that he won't give up makes me think he is selfish, weak and that he has no respect for me and doesn't care what I think :(

Rant over [still so angry face] Grin

OP posts:
SuePurblybilt · 01/11/2010 20:41

Ex once lied to me about giving up with the fag in his hand Grin. Knob.
YANBU at all but if he's lied this much I see much nagging and crappiness ahead. Buy him hypnotherapy for Christmas and ask that everyone else buy him only giving-up related stuff. Tell everyone it's a supportive surprise Grin for him.

TrillianAstra · 01/11/2010 20:43

Course not. Smoking mings. But then I wouldn't get together with someone who smoked. I guess things are different if you got together as two smokers.

Original poster
sunndydays · 01/11/2010 20:46

TrillianAstra I see your point, I guess I think of it as we were young and I think that stopping smoking is just one think you do when you grow up? (if you smoke in the first place that is!)

OP posts:
Guitargirl · 01/11/2010 20:49

YANBU to want him to stop but impossible to force him. My DP smokes although he has cut down from 20 a day to 5 a day since DD was born 4 years ago. MIL (a heavy smoker) has recently been diagnosed with bowel cancer. He is devastated. I will be having the conversation with him re his smoking but it's not the right time at the moment Sad.

But having said that, I am a fine one to talk. I don't smoke but I do eat lots of things that are bad for me and my Mum is a Type 2 diabetic. We all have our thing I guess...

howdidthishappenthen · 01/11/2010 21:05

YABNU. My DH does this. Drives me mad. Esp the lying part. It's like living with a teenager. Plus it makes him entirely unattractive to me when he does it - just can;t contemplate shagging someone who lies, smells, and has no respect for me or our children.

maighdlin · 01/11/2010 22:48

you will never be able to get someone to stop smoking if they do not want to. and not being able to quit does not make him weak or selfish

edam · 01/11/2010 22:51

YANBU wanting him to give up. But YABU to call him selfish and weak. Your attitude really isn't going to help him to stop.

musicmadness · 01/11/2010 23:04

YANBU to want him to give up but it is his choice whether or not he does. He isn't selfish or weak not to want to either, its his decision and he will have his own reasons for it. Presumably he does not smoke in the house or around you or your child.

The lieing is unacceptable but if you go off on one whenever you see him smoking and tell him how weak he is etc I can see exactly why he does it. How about you agree not to start going off on one about him smoking but he must not lie about it at all? He is a lot less likely to lie if him telling the truth won't cause an argument.

WhyHavePets · 01/11/2010 23:12

Your post seems to be very much about you, what you want, what you expect, the way you think things should go. Understandable as you do not like this habit however have you actually asked him what he wants/expects/needs?

When you gave up you had something much more important driving you than he has/did - you were actually housing, nuturing, growing the baby - that is a far bigger kick start than he got!

I totally understand your reasons and wishes however you are being very unfair on him! You can't really think it is ok to say that he should give up because you thought that is what happened as you grew up? I would suggest you spend a bit of time examining your whys and wherefores and excorsising a bit of that pent up frustration before sitting down with him to have a proper conversation about it, it clearly matters to you showing you care - you just need to get the care for him channeled and controlled a bit so it does not seem smothering or controlling to him!

twinklingfairy · 01/11/2010 23:17

MY DH lied to me on and off for years about having quit. I would smell it on him, ask him directly (not accusingly) and he would bare faced lie!
Our PFB arrived and he quitHmm but then didn't.
DS arrived and he just 'had to have a fag, after that birth' (Birth was pretty easy, I thought. But he was 4 weeks early 4llb4oz and had to spend about 10 days in SCBU) So, of course DH had to smoke throughout to cope.

When I met him he was not a smoker. I could not abide them, would never have dated one.
What I found out a year and a half in was that he was not a smoker 'at the time'.
Ok I knew that, he said he had quit. What I didn't know was that he had quit the day after we met.

So I have had years of him quitting but smoking on the sly and lying about it.
So I have use many words to express my anger and frustration. Selfish and Weak being amongst them.

The one thing I have learned (soz for long post) Do Not Nag. Do Not make a Huge issue of it.
The more pressure you pile on, the less likely he is to stop.
And that includes using his guilt re 'not being there for the children' Cos you are going to Die of cancer and never see her wedding day.
It might make a pang in his gut, but it won't stop him.
Only he can choose to do that.

You could make smoking a pain in the A$se for him. Clean his teeth, scrub his hands, change his clothes before he can even go near you DD.
But even that is extreme and will prob cause more arguments that is worth it.

So YAsoooNBU, I really feel for you.

tallwivglasses · 02/11/2010 00:24

sunnydays, well done for stopping Smile
But you thought he had stopped. Is this because you'd discussed it and both agreed to stop?

A lot of my pregnancy wasn't wonderful and that wasn't helped by xp having occasional sneaky fags (or going out drinking and smoking loads) then spending time with me, craving and getting cranky. It didn't make for an easy time.
Best to get the withdrawal period over with than prolonging it.

Your dh can get a form from his GP, he fills it in and then can receive councelling and medication to help him quit.

Good luck!

gaelicsheep · 02/11/2010 00:30

YADDDNBU wanting him to! But you know he won't be able to, not unless he really really wants to. (Long suffering wife of smoker).

tallwivglasses · 02/11/2010 00:31

And of course what twinkling said.

bigarselady · 02/11/2010 01:44

how can your partner lie and get away with it. Was staying with a friend last week who nipped outside for a few fags and she reeked when she came back - made me want to gag, how can they completely hide the smell if they are your partner.

Would never get together with a smoker in the first place but guess you were both smokers when you met.

MrsCrafty · 02/11/2010 01:49

Do you know what, this is the first testing of your relationship. Him feeling like you are telling him what to do and you feeling like he should do what you say.

I would like to say I see a good outcome.

In my experience, which of course you are welcome to tell me to bugger off. These things are sorted out way way before you have children, but often they aren't.

If he is a good Dad in every other way, then leave it. There are so many women out there dealing with much more awful things than their old man smoking.

Just my opinion of course.

Chil1234 · 02/11/2010 06:06

YABVU for getting into a relationship with someone and then expecting them to radically change their behaviour. It's a serious mistake and a recipe for misery and resentment. He is now 'selfish, weak and has no respect for you'. What must he think of you?...

Original poster
sunndydays · 02/11/2010 07:42

I have never said to him that I think he is weak or anything like that I have said he should go to the doctors and that I will pick him up a form so he can get registered with the local doctor (it was him who said he needs to go to the doctor) but he just shrugs it off, it's about me it's about our daughter. But yes, he is a perfect daddy and partner in every other way :)

OP posts:
curlymama · 02/11/2010 08:33

If he doesn't want to stop, he won't. I smoked before I had children, and when I split with their Dad I started again. I did find it easy to stop when I had a baby inside me and feeding from my body, but now that I don't have that incentive, it's much much harder.

Of course I know I should give up for my dc's, but the simple truth is, I really like smoking!

DH wants me to give up, but as has already been said, I smoked when I met him, so he just has to put up with it.

Yes, it's bad for my health, but so is eating biscuits along with many other things. How would you feel if he said he wanted you to deny yourself chocolate, chips etc forever?

Unless you are prepared to eat completly healthily the whole time for the sake of your dc and dh, you can't really complain about a choice he wants to make for his own body.

If he's perfect in every other way, and he doesn't smoke near you and your dd, you should just leave him to it. Otherwise you will create resentment, and it probably won't work anyway.

SkeletonFlowers · 02/11/2010 08:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ayjayjay · 02/11/2010 08:44

I understand how you feel, I'd love my DH to stop smoking and I hoped he would do when DD was born.
However as other posters have said this is not something you can nag him into or give him an ultimatum for. He will only successfully be able to give up if his doing it for himself for his own reasons. I think it's one of those things you have to let go as long as he doesn't smoke in the house or near DD.

Original poster
sunndydays · 02/11/2010 08:51

curlymama, I have to eat healthily forever because I am diabetic boo :( So shouldn't have been smoking in the first place....

Ayjayjay, thanks, I think sometimes it is hard to see things from someone else's point of you because you get so wrapped up in what you think, so thank you everyone Grin

OP posts:
diddl · 02/11/2010 08:53

I think that the difficulty is that he was a smoker when you met.

But. OP, you have given up for your baby, I don´t think YABU to ask, or even expect her father to do the same tbh.

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