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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ring the police and report this "theft"?

28 replies

lollipopshoes · 01/11/2010 18:15

I know I probably ABU but I really need some advice.

dd1 used to get into a lot of trouble at school with a friend of hers (G) but then G got expelled and dd1 settled down and did ok in her gcses and started college.

Today she met G before college today for a coffee.

Turns out dd1 hasn't been in college today after all, and the £30 she drew out of the bank this morning to pay for her bus fares and dinners all week has all gone, she is refusing to tell me what she has spent it on but she has nothing to show for it.

I don't think she spent it on drugs but I'm not naive enough to think it's not a possibility.

dp been called out on a job so I have nobody to vent to.

Am cross.

What do I do?????

OP posts:
bintofbohemia · 01/11/2010 18:17

She drew it out of your bank or hers? How old is she?

Original poster
lollipopshoes · 01/11/2010 18:20

her bank account, but if she has spent it/given it away I'll have to give her money to get to college for the rest of the week.

She's 16.

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 01/11/2010 18:20

So she mis-spent the money you had given her?

If it were my daughter, I wouldn't be calling the police, but she would be walking/riding her bike rather than cathing a bus, and having no lunch for a week.

SleepingLion · 01/11/2010 18:22

Confused - how is it theft if she drew it out? - either it is her money or you have given her permission to use your PIN, surely?

Without knowing how old she is and whose money it is, it is tricky to advise - if she has no money of her own then you can simply refuse to give her any more money for bus fares and lunches until she can account for where the £30 went, but if it is her money then I'm not sure how you can dictate what she spends it on, although the possibility of drugs must be very worrying.

miniwedge · 01/11/2010 18:23

So you want to call the police and tell them your dd has taken her own money and spent it??

WTF do you think the police will do?

YABU. Bollock her for being irresponsible and agree her paying the money back t x per week.

Original poster
lollipopshoes · 01/11/2010 18:23

I don't know whether she has mis-spent it or whether she has given it to this other girl, or whether the other girl has taken it from her...

college 15 miles away so her walking is not really an option but I think I may tell her it is her only choice.

OP posts:
SleepingLion · 01/11/2010 18:24

Ah, OK - she's sixteen and it's her money. Well, just don't give her any more for this week. Make her learn the hard facts of budgeting - if you spend it all in one go then there's no money fairy to bail you out in the real world!

Original poster
lollipopshoes · 01/11/2010 18:24

you're right, miniwedge, I'm being pathetic. I am just ridiculously cross and considering all sorts right now

OP posts:
ChaoticAngel · 01/11/2010 18:24

Errr...no, you don't have to give her money. She'll have to face up to the consequences of having spent/given away her money.

miniwedge · 01/11/2010 18:26

I didn't say you were pathetic. Sorry, perhaps I sounded a little more blunt than I meant to?

Sending you a virtual bucket glass of wine.

sethstarkaddersmum · 01/11/2010 18:27

I wouldn't leave her without bus fares for college but obviously I am very soft! Would give her the money for bus fares one day at a time (since she can't be trusted with more) as a loan; she can make herself a sandwich to take or go hungry.

otherwise there's a danger she gets into the habit of using lack of money as an excuse not to go to college.

daffsntulips · 01/11/2010 18:27

miniwedge seems to have a good idea --get her to pay you the money back esach week.

if you don't give her the money then she won't go to college and that may lead to 'deeper waters'

if she wants more sympathy then she needs to tell you the truth about where her money went.

Original poster
lollipopshoes · 01/11/2010 18:29

miniwedge - I know you didn't tell me I was pathetic - twas me that thought I was.

She already owes me a bucket of money that she has shown no inclination to pay back. Her EMA just about covers her bus fares so if I lend it to her now she'll either never be able to repay me, or she'll be borrowing every week to pay bus fares through the week and paying me back at the end of every week.

She has just told me she spent the money on cider so at least I know where it went.

Now I have something else to be cross about

OP posts:
Jellykat · 01/11/2010 18:33

Why don't you get her to do jobs around the house, to earn the replacement bus fare and dinner money for this week..

Original poster
lollipopshoes · 01/11/2010 18:34

she's been doing that to pay me back for what she already owes me. I s'pose I could find some more jobs for her to do while I put my feet up and mumsnet for a bit but I think I would rather find a different solution (if anyone can think of one?)

OP posts:
Haliborange · 01/11/2010 18:43

Obviously you can't call the police as it is not theft. But surely there'll be no more money forthcoming until either the week is up or she tells you what it went on, depending on how irked you are.

Starbuck999 · 01/11/2010 18:46

Tell her to get herself a job so she can have some money of her own?

She's sixteen and at college, she should be able to go for lunch with a friend every now and then and have some spare money in her pocket for things she wants to buy. But you shouldn't have to provide this money - Christmas job after college or at the weekend I reckon!

Starbuck999 · 01/11/2010 18:47

Also- is it a problem that she bought cider? As in, is it more of a problem than if it had been something other than alcohol?

UniS · 01/11/2010 18:48

She needs a part time job really. Even if just for a few weeks around Christmas, or baby sitting. THEN she would have something other than EMA to pay you back with. AND maybe some left over to spend as she chooses.

I'd second the bus far doled out one day a time for now and no lunch money, its make your own from whats in or go with out.

Original poster
lollipopshoes · 01/11/2010 18:49

starbuck - Personally I would rather she was drinking cider than spending her money on drugs.

But obviously I would rather she was drinking responsibly and not spending money she can't afford on it - £30 has gone so I guess she's bought enough cider for her mate as well (and perhaps a couple more...)

And, it's illegal for her to have bought it. Do you think there's anything to be gained from trying to find out where she bought it from and putting a complaint in to the shop?

OP posts:
mimps · 01/11/2010 18:53

IMO you are BU to call in the police on the subject of your DD taking her own money, but maybe some investigations into where she bought the cider might be in order?

and maybe you need to confiscate her bank card for a few weeks. if she's spending money that is already ear-marked (ie busfares etc) then she cannot be trusted and needs to re-earn that trust.

maybe this 'friend' did put some pressure on her, i don't know, but your daughter made a choice, and is of an age where she HAS to face up to the consequences.

IIWY then the bank card would be in MY purse, i'd have to write off the cash already lent, and start a clean slate.

teenagers are hard work, mimps passes lollipopshoes another glass of comfort wine

ginodacampoismydh · 01/11/2010 18:58

all of £30 imho did not get spent on cider, unless she has been hospitalised from drinking today.

Original poster
lollipopshoes · 01/11/2010 18:59

she seems quite sober - which is one of the reasons I think she's funded everyone else's cider as well.

I am thinking there was her and G and two boys ( so GOD knows what else they've got up to!!!)

OP posts:
foxytoxin · 01/11/2010 19:03

Can she 'reimburse' the cost of the bus fare by going without something you normally pay for her? Cancel Christmas, perhaps?

ginodacampoismydh · 01/11/2010 19:03

unless they where drinking in the pub which is highly probable then £30 on all 4 sounds feasible.

she should get a job, hard for 16 yrold i know. i would advice she works this and all other loans off at home for a couple of weeks of hard graft and start a clean slate off in a fortnight.