How have people achieved a good balance?

[fruitloop101]

I'd love to hear what people do when grandparents visit for the weekend....

My MIL is VERY excited about her first granddaughter - which is lovely! However, whenever she turns up (which is a lot - averaging about one in every three weekends at the mo!), I come under a lot of pressure to allow her to take my baby out for long walks alone etc. It's clear she wants to do this without involving me.

Of course they should enjoy time together alone, but I also work full time and naturally weekends are extremely precious. And I have no issues with us all hanging out together, involving MIL in our lives, etc.

So what arrangements have folk found that work for them? What is a reasonable expectation on all sides? Is it reasonable to feel somewhat excluded when repeated demands for one-on-one time are made, or should I just embrace the enforced "break" (which I don't ask for!!).

@VictoriasLittleKnownSecret - spot on! If she backed off I'd chill out . Not issues with my folks where there is absoutely no pressure!

I don't think YABU. Why would she take her for a long walk without you? I think it's a bit odd that she wants to. If you're all out as a group and she's able to push the buggy or wear the sling where's the ishoo?

My MIL would love for me to stop bf-ing and go back to work for this exact reason - again a bit bloody odd.

I think you are right to exert a clear boundary and statement to her about who is this child's mother :)

...but don't ruin the relationship because that would be horrible for everyone

YADNBU

Both sets of GPs live abroad (different countries, involves flying). They drove us a.b.s.o.l.u.t.e.l.y. bananas when the dc were younger for this reason & others!

It have to get to the stage of saying 'they are our children, we choose to have them & we are really happy to look after them. We are NOT about to leave abandon them with you for 1 month. You have had your babies, these are ours'

This was a genuine request at 9 months old! She was BF & refused bottles. I'm not sure how they thought they could feed her. OTOH, it did seem to get the message across that their expectations were just slightly excessive & were not going to happen.

I think, depending on the relationship & circumstances, it can be really tricky. I know when the GPs descend on us, I grit my teeth as it's just so much when they're staying here with no break.

I know they try & fit in as much grandparenting into that time as they can but sometimes, if they just relaxed a bit & perhaps were just chatty with us rather than the desperate attempts to get the small DC to complete jigsaws, things would be easier.

Right, that's been theraputic. Good luck!

I should also just add - when MiL visits it's not just for a couple of hours or half a day - the one just gone was three full days (we happened to have Friday off too).......

Why don't you let her take your baby out for a walk and take your partner (her son) to bed for a couple of hours, then meet up with her for some lunch?

I think she's offering for the best of reasons, because she thinks it will give you a break, not because she's being possessive.
I would have killed for someone to have come and given me a morning off every three weeks, but you are in a different position to me because you work FT. People aren't psychic so just tell the truth, say you miss DD after a couple of hours because you work all week.

Hmm. I am in the middle a bit. I understand how you feel, yet would have killed to have doting relative take dd out for a nice walk when she was small. Time to watch CSI on Skyplus catch up with the housework/washing etc.

I went back to work FT when dd was 5 months old. Yes, weekends with her were precious. But a couple of hours to myself every 3 weeks.....I would have bitten your hand off!

does your MIL work? is there any way she could be more involved with your DD's week-day care? that would give them one2one time but keep your weekends for you.

i think if you work full time when your DD is so young you have to be a bit selfish about your weekends. you just have to.

fruitloop, that totally changes things ! 3 day trips are totally unreasonable

Perhaps MIL would really have loved a break when her own children were little. When mine were tiny I would have bitten anyone's hand off for a break of a couple of hours. If you don't like it though and she's insisting then perhaps that's difficult to deal with. How do you feel about your dd and you mum?

Thanks everyone!

I think finding a way that MiL could come during the week is a good compromise. Quality one-to-one time without the whole weekend being taken up!

The whole break thing is a funny one - a break from time to time is of course great - but I guess I just don't want it forced on me when I don't want it!

I agree though - a kind open discussion is the way forward - unfortunately noone can read my mind. Thank god!

Should also say that we did let MiL take DD out for three walks - over the course of the day totalling about 2 hours. We offered her the opportunity and it was very helpful for us.
It's simply that I prefer to offer, rather than be told what to do. And I'm sure it's just that she's wanting to help. I guess I posted as I wanted to see what everyone else did to make sure we were being reasonable!

10 days after last visit and we have another visit lasting 3 days!

The other thing is to think about the long term. It can be great when dc have a firm relationship with GP's and sometimes they need time alone to really get to know them. It can be really helpful when they are older if they look forward to seeing GP's rather than it being too dutiful iyswim.

I never allowed anyone to take my baby away from me.

I maybe unreasonable, but I don't care.

You can spend time together as a family, she can push the pram when you are out, feed and cuddle her at your house.

I really don't understand the need to take the baby anywhere.

I think it's a bit weird that she feels the need to have time alone with the baby. Why?

If your question is if it is reasonable for her to want 1:1 time alone with the baby when you would rather you all spent time together, then YANBU.

If you think one in three weekends is too much to see her at all, YABU.

I do wonder if your MIL thinks she is giving you "a break". I think a lot of the older generation thinking taking the baby off is a kindness to the new mother, even if the new mother would rather spend time with the baby.

My issue is the 1:1 time when I'd like us all to just hang out as a family. The one in three weekend thing was just to illustrate the point that if she has 1:1 for extended periods every time she comes that's a lot of time we don't get to see our baby. I don't get the need to be alone - but maybe that's just me!

One in three weekends is fine - but I think her staying for the entire weekend (from Friday night to Sunday) is unreasonable. It just gives us no space!

I really do think it is all coming out of kindness - and the desire to give us a "break". It's just I don't feel I want one and if I do would rather just ask!

You are being quite PFB IMO.

PFB! Maybe. I don't think so but who knows.
You just have to do your best at the end of the day.