To want To Tell Tales On Ex Friends Now Adult Son?

[rockinhippy]

On his way home through London on Saturday, my DH had a bit of an altercation with a gang of oiks, ring led by a very mouthy & not very bright short @rsed teen, who pretty mucvh threatened to rob him

Now I say not very bright, because even though he's no longer a "spring chicken" so to speak, I don't think many sane kids would threaten to rob a 6'5" plus leather clad hairy @rsed biker & not expect trouble back

The situation was diffused by Oiks mate suddenly piping up "hey aren't you DDs Dad, XXXX Husband, My Mums old friend.....to which oik looked shocked & piped up "what, you know him" ....DH then got into a chat with ex friends Son, asking where they were off too & finishing off with lovely to see you, but please make sure you look after yourself

DH came home genuinely worried for the lad as he's never been a trouble maker, did well at School, always been a smashing Kid etc, & is obviously flexing his now adult (18) wings, but as DH said, he is mixed race & with a mate that behaves like that & shows no common sense, then London been what parts of it now are, its only a matter of time before he gets into trouble, God forbid nothing worse.

Now sadly I fell out with his Mum recently & her own behaviour (IMO) has been quite odd, so not sure she would appreciate my contacting her over this, but if it were my DD I think I would want to know....the Lad does still live at home, & I know his Mum would be mortified, & I suspect half of her recent odd behaviour is down to the Kids growing into adults& her losing control & struggling with that, she can be a bit of a control freak with them

But DH WAS genuinely worried & I've known this lad since he was born AIBU in wanting his Mum to know, & if so how to go about it without causing more resentment

It's a tough one, but I would have to say something - like you say out of concern for the lad.

I'm not sure how to go about it though. When you say you fell out with the mum, how bad are things between you? Are you still on speaking terms?

Tell all. He's out on the streets with a gang threatening to rob passers by. He's a criminal by association already. His Mum might not be able to do much about it but, if he's a decent kid, a bit of embarrassment could be all he needs to think twice. So what if anyone is resentful? Can't be worse than it already is.

Or you could just call the police, of course. Let them deal with him and his nasty mates.

what's the fact he's mixed race got anything to do with it?

I grew up in inner London. I know people who have been on the fringes of these kinds of gangs and turned out good in the end.

The OP doesn't know whether the boy is up to his neck in it, or just on the edges. His actions did diffuse the situation after all, so there is hope for him IMO.

"if he's a decent kid, a bit of embarrassment could be all he needs to think twice." I agree.

I think the fact he's mixed-race is relevant actually. IME non-white kids

1. Get much more hassle from the police (being 'randomly' stopped in the streets much, much more often than white kids) which can actually have the effect of criminalising them IMO

1. Can be on the receiving end of racism from adults, which could give a teen a chip on their shoulder (I know it would me!)

1. Are more likely to be unfairly be treated with suspicion or fear by adults (particularly big lads). Some teens would react against this in negative ways e.g. living up to the stereotype.

IMO mixed-race or black kids have to deal with these extra pressures on top of the normal teen stuff, so it is relevant.

what cumbria said

Cumbria in a perfect world it WOULDN"T have anything to do with it, but sadly, as lowrib points out, its not a perfect world, & having lived a long time in London myself I can vouch for all she says, & I know its something that has worried this boys white Mum, as much as its worried my Black friend with mixed race Sns of the same sort of age....not right, but very much a fact of life...you've only got to look at the statistics when it comes to teen stabbings in London :(

& sadly no lowrib no longer on speaking terms with his Mum

I think that only tose who have lived in London would understand the relevance of his race...it is very relevant in London...sadly there is a disgusting amount of racism and young black men get a raw deal...people are too fast to write them off.

Tell all...his Mum wil be grateful...and if she isnt then no problem.

his race is only an issue to people who notice his race.

and yes i also lived in london and worked within youth offending so am very much aware of the violant crime statistics.
i think you will find that there is not quite a big divide in victims race as you and the daily mail would like to think

tell his Mum - it might be life changing for him to have some intervention now.

I know of several teenage boys (black, mixed race & white) who have been sucked into gangs in London despite having the loveliest natures. You'd never know to meet them, what their 'after school' lives are like and often it's against their better judgement, but they feel they have little say in the matter themselves. The families I know have all intervened & either sent the boy to live with family outside of London (overseas even), or the entire family has moved outside of London to get these boys away from the crap they are facing on the streets here.

if you aren't on speaking terms with his Mum, perhaps DH could relate his experience to her himself?

His race is an issue for all the reasons that lowrib so eloquently highlighted.

Mixed race kids tend to get a tougher deal of it...especially in major boroughs/cities.

YANBU and have you considered sending the Mother a letter stating your concern for her boy in a non-confrontational and non-patronising manner?

If she chooses not to act on this information then you have at least done your bit and your conscience is clear.

Good luck.

I would call her up and say you need to talk to her about something and then tell her what happened.

GiganGORE...in your idealistic world there would be no racist teachers, no racist police officers and no racist court officials...but there are. A middle class white boy and aa middle class non-white boy will face very diffeent challenges in life whether you like to admit it or not.

It was not ong ago that I lived in South London and was shocked by the level of race hate...by employers in my case....I know what I am talking about.

Ditto formashgetsmash

I too have witnessed racism first hand with employers, on many occasions the employers themselves weren't white, though I have also witnessed lazy @rsed employees pull the racist card when sacked for not pulling their weight, or neighbours shout racist when you complain about noise they make, or in a Teacher friends experience, doing her job proberly & trying & bring a very bright but lazy lad up to standard to get him through his exams & then have his Mum shout she's picking on him because shes racist

Sadly racism is very much still part of life in London, though equally as sadly it can work both ways, & that it also gets used for the bad, which IMO doesn't help diffuse the situation at all, I find it hard to believe anyone who has lived & worked there not seeing that for themselves, can only presume you were living & working in a blinkered bubble

so as much as I wish his skin colour WASN"T relevant, it IS, & it puts him more at risk of prejudgment & unfair treatment if he gets into any trouble, it also makes him look like more of a threat to someone who doesn't know him & like DH is threatened by his oik of a Mate

Thanks everyone, good to know I'm not over reacting.....saw my younger Brother put in hospital, 6 weeks eating through a straw & almost killed, after getting a bad beating caused by him stepping in to protect a similarly mouthy "friend" who then did a runner & left him to it, so I wasn't sure if I was over reacting based on that

I like your idea of getting DH to contact her findingmymoojo but I know DH will take months to get round to it so probably best I do it myself ......so I will e-mail said friend & be as diplomatic as possible I don't want to ring her, down to her giving me hell a while back & my ending up telling her to swivel & not contact me again until she's ready to apologize for her bad attitude, so expect if I ring it will just open up a can of worms again, & as much as I do worry for her Son, I can't be @rsed with any more trouble from her.

Thanks again :)