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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is MIL?

25 replies

imgonnaliveforever · 31/10/2010 20:07

DH and I are both teachers, on half term next week. DCs are 1yo and 2yo so quite a handful. We planned to spend first couple of days together with kids, then kids go to childminder for a while on one day (we have to pay her for hols anyway so nice to have a few hours together as a couple/sort out the house) and to my mum on another day (ditto time together as couple/sort out house) before we go away to stay with friends for the weekend. DH also has a fair bit of school work to do over the week.

MIL has just requested that DH spend a couple of days with her on a DIY project, painting rooms or something. This would either mean DH and I losing kid-free days or me looking after kids by myself on the other days (which I do most weeks anyway as work part time, but was looking forward to having the extra pair of hands around.)
MIL is retired so plenty of time to do DIY by herself; also has plenty of money and could afford to pay someone to do this. We have a long to-do list of DIY projects in our own home which need our attention (hoping to do while kids at childminder).

DH feels MIL is lonely (despite fact that FIL is also retired and at home) and wants time with her son.

So, AIBU and incredibly selfish, or is MIL?

OP posts:
thatsnotmyZOMBIE · 31/10/2010 20:10

MIL is being a bit much, does she have form for this type of thing?

Meow75 · 31/10/2010 20:12

Sorry, first obligation is to his immediate family.

He should tell his mother that he's not an unpaid home help on his holidays.

Meow (also a teacher.)

marzipananimal · 31/10/2010 20:13

yanbu but maybe if she's lonely then all 4 of you could spend a bit of time with her? that way she gets to see her son but you don't have dcs on your own

saffy85 · 31/10/2010 20:14

But he has already has plans. With you sand DC. So he can't. What a rotten shame!

hairytriangle · 31/10/2010 20:14

Your MIL wants to spend some time with her son, by the look of things.

I don't think either of you are being selfish.

Does she live far away? I notice your plans include your mum and friends but not his mum?

Does she live far away? could you spend the day at her house with the children, so that he gets to help out and you all get to see each other?

saffy85 · 31/10/2010 20:14

and not sand. obviously.

brizzagirl · 31/10/2010 20:15

Agree with marzipan, the DIY request is unreasonable eating into your precious time together but a quick visit with the 4 of you would be ok? Or will that not be enough for MIL? Difficult one.

werewolf · 31/10/2010 20:16

Dh could go and help her for a day, with the kids. Mil and fil babysit. You get a free day.

Hmm?

Original poster
imgonnaliveforever · 31/10/2010 20:16

MIL lives very close. We see her most weeks (indeed saw her tonight). And I suggested to DH that we do lunch instead (in fact we invited her out tomorrow but she can't come)

Reason my mum is looking after dcs for a day is cos she does that during term time while I'm at work anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
imgonnaliveforever · 31/10/2010 20:18

Also I'm quite annoyed that DIY task seems to mainly involve painting a ceiling, which strikes me as a complete waste of anyone's time. Am I alone, do others paint ceilings (nothing wrong with current white ceiling?

OP posts:
maddy68 · 31/10/2010 20:24

Hang on a minute, he is her son, he should spend some time with her too! She has probably waited until 1/2 term so she wouldn't eat into his weekends!

maddy68 · 31/10/2010 20:25

Of course people paint ceilings!!!!
I thought everyone did?

diddl · 31/10/2010 20:28

I would have thought he could spare a couple of hours.

Perhaps she particularly would like to see him on his own.

2rebecca · 31/10/2010 20:30

Her wanting to see her son isn't unresonable, her demanding he spend 2 days of his holiday being her handiman is.
I'd invite her round for dinner or on a trip with the kids but suggest he gives her the phone number of a decorator and reminds her he has a young family and is on holiday.

Inertia · 31/10/2010 20:32

That's a late half term ! You must be shattered !

If all your days are accounted for with your own plans, then tell her that DH can't do it this time but you'll look at the calendar to sort out a better date.

Werewolf's idea is a good one - dh paints, MIL babysits, you get a day to get marking / jobs in the house done.

Original poster
imgonnaliveforever · 31/10/2010 20:34

AS I said, no prob at all with seeing MIL, I have positively encouraged him to go to lunch with her, also have invited her out this week.

She used to look after DCs while I went to work but gave up this year so we now use childminder. She is def missing dcs.

OP posts:
DialMforMother · 31/10/2010 20:35

Half term (esp Autumn) is sacred.

Ceilings need to be visibly nasty to warrant painting.

2rebecca · 31/10/2010 20:44

If you're decorating a room you paint the ceiling. It's just part of redecorating in my opinion.

ForMashGetSmash · 31/10/2010 20:45

Oooh....that's hard....on oe hand she has not given notice but on the other it sounds like your DH wants to go...I would leave it up to him. I would hate my other half to be angry if my Mum needed me.

ummagumma · 31/10/2010 20:57

I am Shock to think that anyone thinks ceilings don't need painting!

ZacharyQuack · 31/10/2010 21:51

So is it just the ceiling that needs painting, or will the request to paint the walls/woodwork be forthcoming?

Wanting someone to give up a considerable amount of time to be your unpaid decorator is a pretty big ask. Can she not afford to pay someone to do it?

ShowOfBloodyStumps · 31/10/2010 21:58

Why don't you all go to MIL's?

DuelingFanjo · 31/10/2010 22:00

Maybe DH could go and help her during another weekend?

giveitago · 31/10/2010 22:50

If you're teachers you get holidays every 6 weeks yes?

It's annoying that she wants this now - can she either postpone it till the next holiday or you postpone your child free days until the next holiday?

Yep, his first obligation is to you but she is his mum and she wants her ceiling painted.

Bluebell99 · 31/10/2010 23:04

It sounds like you get alot of help from your families, with free childcare, so think you should be prepared to help them in return.

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