Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

or oversensitive/unrealistic

19 replies

DuffyMoon · 31/10/2010 18:26

dd1 (15) has been out since 2pm yesterday, stopped out a friends last night, out all day today. I usually pick her up at 9.30 pm but tonight as I am picking up dd2 from a Halloween party at 9 pm, I said I will probably come and pick you up 10 mins early. She is not happy and is getting a lift off her friends step dad so she can stay an extra 10 mins rather than come home slightly earlier with her mother.

She also went over early (God help us if we asked her to do anything early) to the friends house this morning as they were having a halloween thing....we are going over to see her cousins next sunday (first time this year) and you would think we asked her to donate a kidney.

I suppose I feel rejected really - she would rather be anywhere but home or see anyone but family.....do I need to strap on a pair?

OP posts:

phipps · 31/10/2010 18:28

No. I want to say you should have made her come home with you but then I think pick your battles. Is she just being a teenager or is there another reason she doesn't want to be at home?

onceamai · 31/10/2010 18:30

DS15 - exactly the same but it is made crystal clear, not always for a quiet life, that his privileges require a little thought for others or they will be withdrawn. No way is he allowed to behave exactly as he wants at the expense/inconvenience of others.

YANBU but you do need to put your foot down a bit.

agedknees · 31/10/2010 18:30

Teenage years are hard. But it does get better, honestly. Just hang in there.

Stinkyoldclottedcatspus · 31/10/2010 18:30

Chin up, she's a teenager. DS is exactly the same. I put myself out time and time again, drive miles when all I want to do is relax. If I ask for one compromise, stay home one evening, get collected ten minutes early, it's like I'm a bad mother. 'you NEVER do anything for me' 'you are so unreasonable' etc...
Just let it wash over you. Underneath the hormones she still loves you.

Original poster

DuffyMoon · 31/10/2010 18:31

she says its boring here and she hates it I wish I had told her tough but I was so taken aback at her "desperation" to stay out another 10 mins or so i just sort of went "ok".....and of course any contradiction is me "kicking off"

OP posts:

phipps · 31/10/2010 18:33

Let it go this time but maybe talk to her another time about how you miss spending time with her and want her home more.

Lonnie · 31/10/2010 18:36

my 16 year old niece lives with us and that sounds liek her about being out and about all the time wanting to be with friends. Only thing I will say is I would have put my foot down if I was collecting her 10 mins early she would go with that not arrange to be taken home 10 mins later.

Original poster

DuffyMoon · 31/10/2010 18:37

I do talk to her about how I miss her but I just get told its boooooring at home, there is nothing to do. Of course if I say (with slight manic grin) "well what would you like to do" - I get "I dont know - there's nothing to do"

OP posts:

nannynobnobs · 31/10/2010 18:41

I remember being the same at that age. At 15 your whole life is consumed by your friendships and relationships. I remember on Christmas day evening when I was 15 I went out with my friend to see if there was anybody out. We were really surprised to find it was just us wandering the deserted streets! And my family were lovely, really- i was just a self absorbed teenage girl.

hairytriangle · 31/10/2010 18:44

gosh. You need to get used to this.

I have a great book which I found most helpful when my DSD hit this age. I can't remember the name of it, but it really helped to explain how they don't become self-centred intentionally but it's part of them becoming adults.

From the day I read that book, we stopped arguing. I realised arguing and forcing her to do things was totally pointless.

As long as she is safe, you need to take out the emotional feelings you have about it - she really isn't being deliberately selfish - she wants to assert her independence and you need to find a way to allow her to do it.

BTW my DSD turned back into the sweet, caring, lovely girl who wants to spend time with me fairly quickly!

pintyblud · 31/10/2010 18:45

I think you'r e being over-sensitive.

Going early to get to a hallowe'en do is nothing like going to see your cousin on a Sunday! lol

dd1 (14) can be like this. She can quite easily spend entire days and sometimes nights too away from her own house.

Being late or early to arrive/leave is a Big Thing when you're a teenager.

pintyblud · 31/10/2010 18:46

Also, dd1 is about to stop visiting relatives as often. I can feel it. She is quietly resisting and I don't believe in making her because some relative visits are boring.

PutTheKettleOn · 31/10/2010 18:54

sounds like me at that age... i remember staying at a friend's house and i was supposed to come home on the bus the next morning. I didn't come home til about 6pm and could not understand why my mum was so worried and angry (pre mobile phones too), i thought she was being unreasonable!

I have 2 DDs now and have a feeling it will all come back to haunt me!

maddy68 · 31/10/2010 18:56

Sounds totally normal to me. It does get better, trust me :)

piscesmoon · 31/10/2010 19:01

Teenagers are completely self-centred-they come through!

Original poster

DuffyMoon · 31/10/2010 19:11

thank you for your thoughts - suppose I am upset that she would rather be with another family than her own....keep thinking what am I doing wrong....

OP posts:

hairytriangle · 31/10/2010 20:03

DuffyMoon you're not doing anything wrong at all!

Honestly, at her age she is trying to assert her own personality and reach out into the world.

There is nothing more tedious and boring than your own family at that age!

Is your household the kind where her friends feel they can come over and 'do their own thing' sometimes? Perhaps encouraging that kind of atmosphere would be a good solution?

Original poster

DuffyMoon · 31/10/2010 20:10

do try and have a nice atmosphere - youngest dd (12) has friends over all the time so....who knows.....

OP posts:

BlingLoving · 01/11/2010 09:28

Duffy - I understand how you feel, but you need to stop making it about how she doesn't love you and doesn't want to spend time with you. This is hard, but it's not about you and the more you make a fuss about the fact that she doesn't want to spend as much time at home as she used to, the harder it's going to be long term.

Please believe me that you will do better to give her the independence she craves but to make it clear that you are always around and that home is still there. And definitely avoid comments like, "Oh, isn't this so nice" when she does stay home as it will just frustrate her.

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread