MIL

[gomummygo]

AAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHH!

Ah, I feel slightly better already.

I know I am NBU, really I just want to hear that I am not alone and others also have a MIL who does the passive-aggressive, undermining, undercutting, things that are never enough individually to make a huge deal about but all put together are enough to make you feel that you'd prefer chewing aluminum foil to picking up the phone when she calls....

DH feels the same and has spent his whole life dealing with avoiding it, while watching from a safe distance the trouble she starts/stirs in other parts of the family. I am only a decade or so in, and still I end up with bite injuries on the side of my tongue when she phones. I hate people deliberately trying to create trouble when there is none.

Sorry, not really an AIBU, perhaps we need a "rant" section?

gomummygo - YANBU. I feel your pain. Fellow passive/aggressive mil in this family too.

But then I am the dil from hell.

YABU but just say what you really think next time she calls. She's already decided that you're a huge disappointment by the sound of it, so live up to your billing. It's quicker in the long-run and you'll feel 10 x better if you say it out loud.

And relax...

Aged, sorry to hear that you're in the same boat....but will you teach me then please? I may now aspire to be the DIL from hell. One of my lovely SILs is what I would consider to be the closest thing to the perfect DIL I've ever seen and yet she puts her (and her family) through absolute hell. Doesn't matter how kind and thoughtful we are. It's like some people just want to be miserable, and make sure that everyone else is too.

Chil, I have just done that only moments ago in the most polite way that I could, for the first time ever. I feel slightly better, but that's mostly because DH is proud of me for it. I'm sure I'll pay dearly.

The good thing is, that your DH is in agreement with you

Get an answerphone and screen your calls.

Absolutely get an answerphone.

I have just become used to the fact she does not like me. She also does not like my sil, who is the most likeable person in the world.

My dh went to take her shopping today (80 miles there, 80 miles back). He took her for Sunday lunch. I did not go as last time we went she spent the whole time having digs at me.

I tolerate her now, but I no longer let her get away with her digs. I pull her up on every lie she tells.

I have grown a thicker skin as well. Why should I worry what an old cow thinks of me.

And my dh is 100% behind me.

Oh yes JLC, frankly he has no idea why I make the effort, he'd rather not bother. To be fair, he has seen several more decades of this than I have and is well within his right to be fed up.

Good advice thanks ChaoticAngel. :)

xpost Aged. Sounds so similar. I what I have just done is pull her up on a lie, but only caught her because she didn't realize that it was me she'd told the original story to, iykwim! I think I have decided to do the same as you, pull her up on the digs, as they come up. DH says it's not worth it to bother though. At this point I just think my own frustration is eating me up and it might perhaps be healthier for myself not letting her get away with it, even though it's not going to change her behaviour.

Just hate how she winds everyone up, but I suppose to some degree, we let her.

Get an answerphone and screen most of her calls.

When you do have to answer her calls, have an "escape list" beside the phone of reasons you have to hang up now.

"I'm sorry MIL I have to go,

• there's someone at the door."
• something's boiling over"
• the neighbours' child is impaled on our fence"
• the cat's just been sick"
• I have an appointment"
• supermarket delivery has just arrived"

etc.

You'll be much calmer on the phone if you know that you have the power to get rid of her.

Oooh, loving the escape list! Thanks Zachary!

I spent 20 years biting the inside of my cheek with my MIL. 5 years ago we had a huge falling out. She wrote me a lovely letter telling me she never wanted DH to marry me, I was horrible, I was mean, I never wanted to do family things, I should be thankful as DH does not go to the pub or chase other women rah!rah!

I used to be the one that would encourage DH to visit, invite them to our house for Xmas etc etc, had her extended family (think about 100) for a bbq at our house, helped her sort out home care and nursing homes etc for her husband. Went to whatever we were invited to family wise. Never bit back when she had digs at me over how we were raising our children.

I sent her a very polite letter, reminding her of all that I had actually done for her. Was not rude just polite.

She threatened never to visit our house again, and we now only talk when I cannot avoid it. Usually when she might ring and I have to answer the phone. But if DH is not home, I screen the phone calls and if it is her I just ignore it.

The last 5 years have been bliss.

Oh Foggy, I feel your pain, especially having been the one who has encouraged DH to visit, etc., all these years. Pleased for you that you've found a "solution" though!