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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect a thank you letter for godchildrens presents

52 replies

brizzagirl · 29/10/2010 20:22

Between us DH and I have 4 godchildren and they each get a present for every birthday and Christmas. For 2 of the godchildren we always get a polite thank you letter, but for the other 2 we hear absolutely nothing and sometimes I even wonder if they received the gift! Or occasionally I might get a message on facebook if I'm lucky ;-)
Perhaps it is just me but having gone to the trouble and expense of buying and sending a present I think it is good manners to send a short thank you. Or AIBU? What do you think?

OP posts:

phipps · 30/10/2010 18:16

That is so sad and unfair, fishtank .

80sMum · 30/10/2010 18:21

Suncottage, I like your style!

Suncottage · 30/10/2010 18:25

80sMum

I can be one helluva bitch

WherecanIhide · 30/10/2010 18:26

I think it is fair to expect some sort of acknowledgement for presents. An email/phone call is better than nothing. Before my 2 were able to write, I'd get them to do a picture as a 'thank you' then when they got old enough to write, a short 'thank you for my ...' letter. (Unfortunately they've got no one to send them presents, but they always say 'thanks' to my dh and me).

Opinionatedfreak · 30/10/2010 18:26

I agree. A thank you letter doesn't need to be anything fancy - my current favourite is a bit of art taken from the nursery creation pile with a scribbled "Thank you OF for my lovely gift. Love godchild 1" scrawled on the back by one of his parents.

TBH I'm hardline. If people can't be bothered to make some sort of effort to thank me I can't be bothered to shop, choose, wrap and post a present to their child.

I also have a busy life.

BTW I'm not an aged old dragon.

fishtankneedscleaning · 30/10/2010 18:27

Thank you Phipps. A few minutes phonecall would make my year. Not much to ask is it? Never mind. I live in hope (Hug emoticon) xx

phipps · 30/10/2010 18:37

I wish my grandma was still here to be able to ring her.

Could you write to your grandchildren? Do you ring your daughter?

bekkio · 30/10/2010 18:50

To be honest I don't do thank you letters for birthday presents but I would phone up and say thank you to anyone who had sent them and I wasn't there to do so in person ....and I make the boys do the same

bekx

thereisalightanditnevergoesout · 30/10/2010 18:56

I make a point of saying thank you for presents my kids receive. And actually, I usually write thank you letters (incidentally, it's always down to me, DH never does them even though it's his family that's most precious about them), but I'm just not very good at distributing/posting them - it's almost as if because I've written the card, I think it's dealt with, and then it usually goes clean out of my head, for them only to be found behind the microwave or in a drawer some time later.

PanicMode · 30/10/2010 19:01

I have four children - they each have four godparents, and I always write and thank them for presents - as I do to everyone who gives my children presents. It's basic good manners; if someone has been generous enough to buy a present and make the effort to get it to them, then they should be thanked. Now that the older two are able to write, they do their own letters (short ones!) and when the little ones are able to do so, then they will take over - but do it they shall!

So no, YANBU - but then I had parents and grandparents who were absolute sticklers for manners and so I write thank you letters for everything!

GraceK · 30/10/2010 19:04

YANBU - especially if you weren't there when the gifts are handed over / opened. If you are actually present at the time of opening, then you can just about get away with a verbal thank you but if you're not there then a phone call or sms is the very minimum required (so you know the gift arrived for a start).

My DD's are 6 mths & 4 and I currently write their's - just an 1/4 page notelet (I found some cheap print your own pic ones, 4 to a sheet at Staples). DD1 has to sign her's with a picture or her attempt at a signature.

My sister & I learnt the hard way to always write cards - we have a very generous aunt but one year when my sister was being a vile teenager she wouldn't write one for her birthday so didn't get anything for Christmas!

As OpinionatedFreak said buying presents take time & effort and should be repaid - especially as godparents don't usually get gifts back from their god-children

OhCobblers · 30/10/2010 19:11

i'm definitely in the camp of sending thank you letters. i write on behalf of my DC to their godparents for birthday and xmas gifts.
when they're old enough to do it themselves i'll quite happily relegate them the task.

i also buy for my DH's godchildren (which he is very grateful for ) and all of their parents write to say thank you bar one. that one funnily enough is the 8 year old who is more than capable of writing herself - her parents need to give her a gentle kick up the butt!

notyummy · 30/10/2010 19:21

YANBU. I did/do DDs as she is 4, but she will do a bit this Christmas. I am only in my 30s so hardly an aged crone, and my family were certainly not posh, and bothe my mum and dad worked (as do both I and DH.) It really isn't that hard. If you find time to slump in front of the TV, which nearly everyone does, then you can write a ty letter. That said, I would cut slack for illness etc - I have a heart. And if I got no sort of ty (even a text!) then I would stop sending after a while. Just exactly like DD doesn't get anything unless she asks politely, and then says thank you.

fishtankneedscleaning · 30/10/2010 19:45

Yes Phipps I ring my daughter and she does not answer or return my calls. I conversed with my eldest grandaughter thru facebook until recently. I have now been defriended.

On the very rare occasions that my grandchildren have been allowed to stay over (Whenever my daughter has not had an alternative babysitter) they have really enjoyed themselves and did not want to go home.

Unfortunatley I have not seen them AT ALL this year.

phipps · 30/10/2010 20:04

Is this all because you left your cheating husband?

Lonnie · 30/10/2010 20:04

I dont always manage I try to ensure that everyone get told thank you when we see them or speak with them Not because I am not grateful nor because the children are not but because life happens its a busy household and stuff goes on and with the best manners in the world it doesnt always go as you want it to

so YABU to expect it its a nice bonus to get

arses · 30/10/2010 20:16

((sneaks on thread to tell preening story of pfbitis because someone mentioned thank you cards))

After my son's christening at 10 months, we made thank you cards with individual foot prints on them and inked "thank you".

Very pfb of course and it was only made possible by the fact he was a bit off-colour the day we did it so lay happily in dh's arms while I coated his feet with blue paint and "stamped" the cards .

No one even realised! My MIL thought they were printed! As much as I should have been delighted that I'd pulled off a nice card, I was a bit gutted!

Original poster

brizzagirl · 30/10/2010 22:15

Thanks everyone, this has mostly put my mind at rest that IANBU! I was brought up to write thank you letters for birthday and Christmas presents so that's why I feel a bit old school about receiving them. I wouldn't mind the odd missed one but I do get annoyed at never receiving any thanks. The godchildren in question both live 2 hours away so more often than not I have to send them by post to be there on time, but I do like SE13's idea of saving the present till I see them and also suncottage that is a brilliant idea to send them some thank you cards!!!
Don't think I am quite ready to stop sending presents to the children but may be more vocal in enquiring whether the gifts have arrived or mention about thank yous to the parents!!

ps fishtank sorry to hear about the contact problems, it sounds like you and the grandchildren are all missing out :(

OP posts:

fishtankneedscleaning · 30/10/2010 23:30

Phipps. It is all because I asked my ex to leave because I confronted him about rumours that he was cheating and he admitted sleeping with 4 other women. He went to live with his new girlfriend. 5 years later I re- married and since then dd refuses to speak to me or even acknowledge that I exist.

thecaptaincrocfamily · 31/10/2010 00:30

Forgot to say I do always write cards for wedding, christening and one off occasions and yes that is good manners.
I would to people outside my family circle e.g. friends of dds birthday presents etc and actually, godparents if not related. However, I don't for family and neither do I expect it.
Why this obsession with cards. I would also rather see the child opening it and playing with it, saying a quick thank you in between.

maktaitai · 31/10/2010 00:41

YANBU at all, it's simple good manners.

I have to say that the agony of having to write thank you letters to my godparents has stayed with me, and I think it has influenced my choice not to give ds any godparents at all! but of course we do thank you letters for all presents. Just feels more manageable without the godparents, mine saw me very rarely and tended to send rather weird presents (a teddy bear when I was 15?) so thank you letters were harder to write than for my lovely aunts and uncles.

ClimberChick · 31/10/2010 04:52

YABU

I can't stand thank you letters, find someone else to stroke your ego and tell you how fantastic you are.

ok a bit harsh, but if you want a thank you, then see them in person

SeaTrek · 31/10/2010 08:52

YANBU

My SIL rarely passes acknowlegement for the gifts we bought her children or has taught her children the importance of writing thank you notes.

I expect my children to write a thank you note that arrive with the gift-giver within one week, now that they are old enough (I wrote them before that and they added increasing amounts - scribbe, name, thank you and name...until they were old enough to do the whole thing themselves). They must specifically mention the gift and definitely not be one-liners.

I now simply give gifts to her children when I see them (they don't live near us), something I know they really want, as opposed to guessing. They seem to be able to just about manage to say thank you verbally then , which stops me getting irritated by the lack of thank you note!

I would suggest that you only give them gifts when you see them in person from now on.

I was very tempted to so that Suncottage did!

phipps · 31/10/2010 13:00

fishtank if your DD knows the full story then she is being unreasonable and unfair as well as mean.

mirry2 · 01/11/2010 00:42

Good for you Suncottage. I always used to post presents to various nephews and nieces but never knew whether they ever received them. Even an acknowledgement from the parents would have been fine by me. Every year I waited for a 'thank you', which never came so eventually I stopped sending. I started feeling I was being a mug as the parents never sent my dc anything, not even a birthday card.

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