To be pissed off at this friend?

[WriterofDreams]

I have a friend who moved away to another area not so long ago. When he lived nearby we spent quite a lot of time together. Anyway that's just background.

Yesterday I was chatting to him on FB and he asked could he visit me in hospital when my baby is born. I replied quite reasonably I think that no he couldn't be he could come later on in the year. He suddenly left the conversation and I knew something was up.

So caught him again on FB today and he tells me he's feeling down about yesterday's conversation. Fair enough, I ask him why. And he says he doesn't want to go into it.

GRRRRRRRRR why the fuckity fuck did he mention it at all then? AIBU to think that this sort of passive aggressive sulking is purely manipulative? I told him not to sulk and that he shouldn't have brought it up if he wasn't going to talk about it. And now he's ignoring me. I feel like strangling him.

Thoughts?

He probably fancies you.

He's a bit odd, isn't he? Agree with Daisy.

He's still ignoring me on FB. TBH (bear in mind I'm very pregnant and angry) I feel like telling him to fuck the fuck off and stop being a huge baby. Is that too harsh?

He probably felt that he wasn't important in your life, if you didn't want him to visit you in hospital.

Maybe he has unrealistic ideas about what it's like to be in hospital post- birth... I only wanted close family and a couple of close friends to visit and certainly not anybody who felt like rocking up.

Saying he can visit later in the year sounds a bit dismissive maybe?
Could you reword it and suggest that he visits once you are home and settled?

Agree, he probably fancies you, or at the very least feels closer to you than you do to him.

Why couldn't he visit you in hospital?

I wouldn't visit anyone in hospital unless they specifically asked me to. We've only been friends for about a year so it's not like we're lifelong buddies or anything. I was going to explain to him that if I have a good birth I might be in hospital less than a day, which wouldn't be enough time for him to get down from where he is anyway. Both my parents and ILs will be hovering and the last thing I'd need is another body buzzing around the place. I wanted to explain all this to him but he just left.

I was expecting him to say "Fair enough, whenever suits you," out of consideration for my feelings but I suppose that's too much to expect?

I wouldn't want anybody visiting me in hospital post birth (apart from my mum and DH)

That's exactly how I feel Daisy. I know that post birth I'll be a mess and I don't want to have to face people then. Surely that's not hard to understand?

Does he actually understand that he made an inappropriate suggestion?

I have a male friend who is very intelligent and fundamentally a good guy, but utterly socially inept with no idea of appropriate behaviour. (I have had to spell out to him several times why actual or potential girlfriends have slapped him / poured their drink over his head / put the phone down on him etc..)

When I was PG he would do stupid things like rub my bump without asking, or announce in front of close friends and family that he was going to be the godfather (as we're not religious and neither is he, I just turned it into a joke, asked whether he meant something along Don Corleone lines and whether he had any henchmen lined up...).

I've found that it's best to be blunt with him but not give personal criticism, rather like dealing with a toddler. Explain why his request was unreasonable (e.g. babies need time to bond with their immediate family, you may be feeling unwell if there are complications with the birth etc..) without criticising him as a person.

Socially inept people I can deal with togarama. My dad is the most inept person on the planet but he has a heart of gold and I know how to handle him.

The problem with this situation is that I feel this friend is being a whiny bitch and I have no tolerance for it. He continued to ignore me on FB so I just said goodbye and left it.

Things haven't been great between us for a while. I think some of you have hit the nail on the head when you say he fancies me. But surely that's not my issue is it? He knows I'm married FGS! He tends to try to make me feel bad about situations like this.

Am I being totally insensitive? I feel like writing him an email and telling to fuck the hell off but I am so hormonal I can't trust myself.

Just write him an email explaining why the hospital visit isn't going to happen, say that it's nothing personal and that thosereasons apply to everyone else too (bar dh, mum or whoever).

Then tell him to stop being such a whingebag and to get in touch when he's got over himself.

Why is the possibility of him fancyng you relevant?

Is he imagining some romantic encounter with you in the hospital?

Or is it that he just can't take any show from yourself that he is not Extremely Important to you (as in one of the few people you would be happy to recieve a visit in hospital from?) If so, then just leave things as they stand, don't even explain - you need to distance yourself from him and you have now inadvertantly started that process.

He sounds like a bit of a nobber tbh, like you dont have enought on your plate with the imminent arrival of a baby.

This friend is overreacting a bit, but tbh you did not approach it in the best of ways. You sounded like you did not want him to visit. You could have said that "x i would really like it if you visit, but it would be better at home after I had the baby" You sounded a bit grumpy, i would have been put out but not to that extent.

Yes a lot of men are not that good at looking at things from a different perspective. My dh wanted my MIL at the birth of dd and to 'help' afterwards at home, and i was too tired to object. Next time i am putting my foot down.

Yeah Barnacle it's relevant because I feel he thinks he has some special place in my life (beyond that of a good friend). It's starting to wear me down a bit to be honest.

At the same time I don't want to ruin a friendship over this. I agree that I didn't handle it all that well to begin with Piglet but I did want to explain, it's just that he didn't give me a chance.

I really hate this sort of game playing where someone won't talk to you or half talks to you. I feel like it's manipulative and it frankly makes me want to tell him to take a flying leap. Too much?

Oh god, don't worry about ruining the friendship.

For a start, it's not you doing any ruining - it's him with his inability to accept you are just pals and no more. Also, is this really the sort of complication you want? Some bloke forever on the periphery of your life, thinking he really ought to mean more to you than he does?

I know it's all very easy for an outsider to say get shot of him, but this isn't going to be an easy, mutually enjoyable friendship - he's crossed a boundry (I mean he hasn't hiddent hat he fancies you, because you know) and it will forever be a tussle over appropraiteness and boundaries etc.

Dump him!

There is a good quote by someone that we should all have a large graveyard to hand in which to bury the faults of our friends.

He may just not 'get' how you feel about visits after the birth, which is fair enough, I assume he has never given birth. A friend of mine got pissed off with me because I DIDN'T visit her in hospital - I have always taken the view that in situations like that you wait to be asked, but she got all bent out of shape because I didn't turn up... there I was, trying to act in her best interests and she got pissed off with me

So I just have no truck with and cannot stand all this whiny passive aggressive stuff, which frankly I think is being demonstrated by both of you. You both need to find space in your head for the realisation that people have different perceptions, different needs and unless we communication these differences, the other may never know and quite unwittingly continue to act in a way that pisses us off.

So if there is a friendship worth salvaging, write or phone and say 'sorry if I sounded grumpy, I won't be in the best place for visits in the hospital as I will be all tired and hormonal but would love to have you round once we are settled at home'. And leave it. If he never responds, his loss.

If you don't think there is a friendship worth salvaging, why be unkind and frankly a bit vulgar about it and tell him to take a flying leap? Just carry on ignoring him.

Id be pissed off if a good friend of mine told me to "visit later in the year"

From his pov, maybe, he expressed his enthusiasm and interest by saying he wanted to visit you, you brushed him off without explanation and with a vague 'later in the year'.

He won't have though of the details or reality, he will have imagined coming in with a gorgeous bouquet for you and a fluffy toy for the babe and sitting there being all relaxed and cosy in the glow of celebrating the baby. You re-buffed him as if he wasn't wanted. I'm not surprised he took a sharp step back, but the 'I'm so upset' business is a bt tiresoe - he should have been direct and told you you were rude and asked why you don't want him to visit.

arr, he thinks he is your friend, and he wants to visit you in hospital, that's what friends do. He doesn't know that you might be feeling like a bag of shite and don't want any visitors.
I had a male friend come to visit me in hospital, complete surprise, lovely surprise actually, but he didn't think twice about asking was it ok to come and see me, it just wouldn't have occured to him. And if I had said no, he would have been incredibly hurt.

your friend doesn't understand at all and thinks you have just been completely dismissive of him, when he was being supportive by offering to come and see you.
Admittedly not talking to you now is a bit childish, but if I had asked my friend that, not having been through childbirth!!, and they had said no, I would be too upset to talk to them, so I can understand where he is coming from.

He doesn't understand, and is hurt. Send him a kindly worded e-mail explaining how you feel there is a misunderstanding of your intentions, and saying no regarding the visit is not personal. That you are not having any visitors, (no need to explain you will have close family members, that is not his concern) you will only be in a day, and would love a visit once the baby and you are settled at home. Tell him you are sorry if this hurt his feelings, and hope to hear from him soon.
Then the ball is in his court and you can not bother trying to explain anything to him if you see him on line. He is an adult and if he can't understand that it is his problem.

Just a little update - I managed to get hold of him again on FB and chat more about it. He was acting a bit childish at first but he got sensible in the end. I explained the hospital situation to him and he seems to understand. However, we have agreed to chat more about our friendship as I think it's needed.

Stop using FAcebook and pick up the phone