in wanting just one, only one day to myself...

[minxofmancunia]

Birthday yesterday went out in the eve, booked today off work dcs in nursery just to have a day off, off work off childcare. deliberately didn't plan anything just wanted to chill. first time in 2 years i've not been working, looking after a baby doing my Masters coursework.

Dh tells me this am he's working from home. Like a bear with a sore head because he's got a raging hangover despite the fact he know he was drinking today. I was quite happy for him to coma back early last night and me stay out with friends but oh no he stayed out drinking.

he's insisted on sitting in the living room on the sofa, or our bedroom as he doesn't want to sit in the dining room, not comfortable enough apparently. His work involves ++++ phonecalls so he turns the Tv down every 2 minutes to take them meaning I can't watch then makes a huge fuss about hating daytime tv.

I said i just wanted to relax today and be on my own. I'm either at work (3 days a week) or looking after a baby and a toddler. Weekends are manic, I don't get a minute despite trying to extricat myself from childcare/housework it doesn't happen. he's thrown a hissy fit because he says if he gets a break later he wanted us to spend some time together. I don't. I wanted to be on my own. I've been looking forward to this day for weeks. From next september all my AL will be taken up with school holidays.

He's thrown a hissy fit, called me various names for being selfich and beeb generally vile. There was no need for him to call me names, it's horrible.

I'm gonig to have to go out for a walk to get away from him, and I didn't want to. I just wanted to be by myself in the house.

he works from home 1x per week when the kids are in nursery. usually fit a gym visit into that and various other leisure stuff. I can't work from home.

I'm NEVER EVER here my myself.

I'm really really f**king upset.

It's always stressful being in an unhappy relationship. No-one likes being taken for granted. Go for a walk perhaps to clear your head. Then, when tempers have cooled and hangovers etc. have subsided, sit down as a couple and discuss how to make life better for everyone.

I feel your pain, YANBU, I don't even have kids yet and sometimes I crave a day to myself. And, it's no fun watching daytime TV with someone else.

Hopefully by the time you get back from your walk he will have calmed down and will say sorry.

Good luck!

If your day watching TV and relaxing in the house has been ruined, you don't need to have your whole day ruined. New plan, do you have a good book you've been meaning to read or one you've loved for years you re-read now and then? Pick it up, put on some snuggly clothes (it's cold out there) take yourself (ideally with ipod to block out noise) to a coffee shop and drink coffees that someone else has made while reading it in peace. (best if you don't say where you're going to DH if you don't want him to follow you).

Or, do you have a nice beautians near you? Could you call and see if they have any appointments free for something relaxing like a massage or a facial (sounds like you need some pampering and relaxing).

Or, what about going to the cinema, go get a big box of popcorn and/or some pick and mix and watch a film that's not a U certificate.

Or, is there an art gallery or museum near you that you could pop into? Go look round without having to read out loud the information signs.

i'm sure others will be along in a moment with more suggestions on ways to make your 'me time' nice and relaxing.

Oh, and happy birthday! xxx

I feel for you, fellow Manc. You're seeing this as the only day you will get to yourself in the next X amount of years? Will he not ever take the children off by himslef to let you get a break?

I know you didn't want to but rather than wasting your day fighting him over it, can you take yourself off with a book to a coffee shop for a big fat brew in a comfy chair and try to get a bit of relaxation in that way?

Did you discuss all this before today with him? Did he agree to let you have the has to yourself and then back out?

I don't mind the fact so much he's upset with me wanting to be on my own. We differ lots in that respect, I like being alone. he wants company all the time.

It's the fact he immediately started shouting and name calling. 2 things we agreed together not to do in arguments anymore . because its childish and horrible.

Just because i asked (politely) if he could go into the dining room. the reason I wanted this house when we bought it and not others which were bigger is because it HAD separate reception rooms,not open plan and we, all of us weren't in each others faces all the time

Fantastic ideas FakePlasticTrees! Will need to remember those for when I get some 'me' time.

Do as FPT says OP. Get out an leave your grumpy DH to it! No sense in allowing him to spoil the rest of your day.

bintofbohemia he does sometimes take the dcs out to the park so I can clean for a couple of hours. It really is for that though, the house is always a bloody tip despite having a cleaner.

I could do lots of stuff, I can walk to the cinema, walk to 2 lovely parks lots of coffee places near. Think I'll have a brew then just go out.

He won't apologise, he'll just carry on being angry . On our 5th anniversary recently he gave me a card with "thanks for continuing to put up with me" written in it.

he's knows he's a nightmare. And he knows i'm unhappy.

Go out, leave a note saying something along hte lines of "My birthday gift to myself was a day by myself. Just because you wouldn't like that doesn't mean I wouldn't. Please try to understand by being here you have done the same as seeing i've bought a box of chocolates for myself and you bite each one in half. You owe me an apology, and a day."

This does not sound like a relationship made in heaven. It goes beyond the title of your post (time to yourself) and into the realms of verbal abuse, anger management, damaged self-esteem, mismatch of personalities, wanting very different things out of life. If you're not happy to 'put up with it' then you both need to do some serious thinking about the future, because little things you find annoying/irritating about a partner today, usually become intorable over time. If children are in the middle, what messages are they picking up? Counselling may be advisable in your case

You're right fakeplastictrees it was my present to myself. He can't handle it. he can't handle me doing anything for myself. He wants us to be together all the time. If I book the dcs in at the gym creche for an hour he suddenly appears in the gym on a "work break". I see a personal trainer 1x per week and he's always on the f**king machine next to us.

he's so bloody insecure, and needy, and sensitive and emotional, it's driving me mad. I go mental if I'm never on my own. he's even jealous of this, mumsnet! If i go on in the evening I get all the comments, and snipes.

Despite the fact I feel like shoving them up his a**e I'm going to make a brew and some crumpets for us and see if he apologises.

Then I'm going out to look at the pretty autumness in the park.

What you're describing is controlling behaviour and it's a form of emotional bullying. It may well be driven by his own insecurity but it is very destructive over time if you don't deal with it successfully.

He is controlling chil but doesn't think he is. problem is I know he is and won't be controlled which is what leads to these explosive outbursts. he's very bloody insecure, a few friends have pointed this out to me when I'm tearing my hair out with him.

But he has no reason to be. it's ridiculous.

Don't spit on the crumpets, Minx!

I can sympathise with the clingy husband... mine is very similar and the number of rows we had about him never leaving me alone in the early days of us living together was scary.

He was the youngest in his family by a long way and his mother was neurotic helicoptery. He never had a sleepover at a friend's, never went on school trips and she never left him alone, because she had issues of her own. It meant he'd never learned to entertain himself!!

I, on the other hand, had just done three years of living alone at Uni, spending a lot of time either studying or just reading and the like. Having someone else in my hair constantly drove (and still drives!) me nuts.

We've both adjusted over the years, which has saved us I think, but even now, if I don't get my two hours a week (monday evenings - he has friend's round and takes the baby, I vanish upstairs and mumsnet read a book or watch DVD's!) it gets to me pretty quickly. He's cancelled before with the 'I thought we could spend the time together...' line and then been shocked when I'm not in a good mood with him for it, until I point out that we spend every other evening and all weekend together.

I guess my point, now that I've rambled horribly!, is that I feel your pain. I've been there and it's soul-destroying eventually. It's smothering.

Perhaps do what a previous poster said and leave him a note explaining what today was sipposed to be, then sit him down and make him agree to give you a couple of hours a week, same day and time every week so there's no confusion, that are yours, short of disaster such as sick kids.

Make him understand that you've had enough. That you're drowning under the constant bombardment and that you don't feel like you can think anymore without being interrupted. That's what it got like for me - and it was awful. Make him understand that the lack of space is killing your relationship, because it will if you keep on feeling like this.

My DH got the message (eventually and with some prodding to set up arrangements!) Hopefully yours will too!

friends and supposed, obviously!

Book a hotel room and say you,ll see him in the morning and if he calls you and it's not urgent book another day. Your children WILL survive and so will he.

"it's ridiculous"

It's gone beyond ridiculous and is well into unacceptable. He's behaving more like a stalker than a loving husband and if you throw in the temper tanturms that is a very stressful way to live. Semi-apologetic notes in anniversary cards mean nothing. Listen to your friends... they're telling you straight up that his behaviour is not normal

He's just come down and apologised for the name calling but says he's still not happy with my "behaviour" although apparently it's not U to want a day to myself .

I think h's bricking it a bit as when he tantrummed off with his laptop upstairs i didn't follow him begging and cajoling to listen. So he's worried, I think he knows I'm really really upset.

he's then said he won't work from home anymore when I'm here on a Monday and tuesday (with dcs as well). I said fine. Think he was expecting an "oh no I don't mind really".

the thing is I'm genuinely not bothered if he works at home usually. Just wanted to be on my own today. I know he'll try to come with me if I go for a walk, cue another bloody argument about my selfishness.

thansk for all your comments and advice. I wa expecting loads of "well I've got 6 under 5 and I've not had a day to myself as I'm a SAHM for ever" type comments so thanks.

minx and ginnybag - i feel your pain. Glad I'm not alone in having a clinging, smothering H who doesn't understand that I don't want him around sometimes. I hardly ever get any time to myself and if I plan it and he says "oh, I'll come with you" it pisses me off SO much! It's controlling and almost stalker-ish at times. Came to a real head with us a few years back when I told him to get counselling or I would file for divorce.Counsellor said he had low self-esteem and suffers form paranoia - it's no fun to live with and I hate him for it.

ask him for his credit card then go out and do some serious shopping

This is such a familiar story! I've now trained DP to open his ears when I tell him plain and simple he Must Be Gone from the house today....

Am in similar situation. I work 2 days per week, look after baby and toddler the rest of the time. Weekends spent trying to be a really entertaining and educational set of parents as well as tackle the mess that is my home. Am on the hunt for a cleaner too!

My DP once said to me that I need to speak plainly to him and never skirt around an issue (he only understands basic simple statements, well, not really but you get what I mean).

I hope next time you book time for yourself in your own home it works PROPERLY Minx.

now we are having the know he's done wrong but rather than admit it loads of contrite actions behaviour.

Has set up the sports watch he gave me for b'day from dcs and put all my data in it. took him ages. Also measured the bay window in the dining room which is STILL without a pole or curtains a year after moving here and phoned up some curtain places to talk to them about poles .

Am being allowed to watch This Morning without comment also...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MINX!! AND MANY HAPPY RETURNS!!

This is the way your day should have started; shame he has spoiled it a bit. Totally agree with smb who said get his credit card and go shopping all day!! That might make him think next time he opens his mouth...