to think DH is being a bit precious/weird?!

[quicksand]

DH's biological father left him and his mother when he (DH), was a baby. He and my mother-in-law weren't married; he had a family (wife and kids), at home in Spain and returned to them. His wife acknowledged my husband and invited him over for occasional holidays when he was a child and adolescent - they were never especially close though. DH's father was 'troubled' - alcoholic, in and out of prison. He died ten years ago, when my DH was 25 - before we met. Since then DH isn't in regular contact with his Spanish relatives, though they email from time to time. DH went over there for his paternal grandmother's funeral four years ago, everyone was nice to him. His half-siblings sent us lovely gifts when the DCs were born and when we went to Spain a couple of years ago they came to where we were staying (a long way for them), to see us all.

Meanwhile, my mother-in-law met her current partner when DH was nine. They have been together ever since, living together, though never married. DH was sent to boarding school for most of his childhood as MIL worked abroad a lot. Her partner describes DH as his stepson, DH has never complained about this or asked him not to.

A few nights ago we were out with friends and I said "my father-in-law..." - meaning MIL's partner. DH did that jaw-clenching thing but I thought he was objecting to what I was saying (FIL did something stupid), sharing that with people. When we got home though he laid into me massively saying that his mother's partner wasn't his father and wasn't my father in law and I should never refer to him like that again.

I was a bit !!! - I said that as far as I was concerned he was my FIL, as he was MIL's longterm partner and had been around since way before I was. He sat on the top table at our wedding ffs! DCs consider him their granddad and vice versa. I am SURE I must have called him my FIL in passing though we usually use his first name in conversation.

DH and his mother's partner get on really well, no tensions at all. DH in no way lionises his bio father and in fact had a hard time when the DCs were born, especially when they got to the age he was when his bio father left.

So, what gives? I've tried to discuss it since but nothing doing. AIBU to think he's being a bit precious? There's no big (or small), family drama recently or anything.

Does sound odd that he made such a big deal of it. Just ask your DH how you should describe his mother's partner in conversations, instead of calling him 'FIL'?

I think if refered to my step-mother-in-law as my MIL, DH would be upset about that. For a number of reasons admittedly, but I think it would be odd to him to hear her being described in that way.

FWIW I tend to call her DH's step-mother in these type of situations, although more often just her name.

I'm not allowed to call him DH's stepfather as they're not married apparently!

It's just so weird - there has been NO issue, ever, in the 9 years I've known the family. Okay so MIL's partner wasn't a 'dad' figure (he's much younger than MIL), and never really parented DH but DH has never ever objected to eg the DCs calling him Granddad. He was included in our wedding in exactly the same way my dad was.

I am racking my brains to think if I have ever called him FIL before, I must have done.

If DH had always taken this stance then I wouldn't be so but it's just a bit weird

DH would go hopping mad if I called his mums partner FIL. I can understand your DH though can' explain it. He probably feels strongly that this guy isn't his dad, therefore not your father in law. Keep the peace and just call him MILs partner.

It's probably just an instant emotional reaction that he had. I think if my parents split up and my mum remarried, if DH called the bloke his FIL, I would be unhappy about that. Although I know this is different because there's years of history there, but even so I think it would jar.

I think YABU. But not maliciously obviously. You couldn't have known that he would react like that, but tbh he's right, isn't he? That's not his father and therefore not your FIL. I think it would be fine to refer to them in a couple as the ILs (though double check that with your DH as well), but never use the word 'father' in reference to someone who clearly isn't the father, especially now you know your DH doesn't want you to.

I don't think he's being precious at all. But then I don't think you can be condemned for this either, since you simply did not realise this would matter so much.

Don't make an issue of it now, just ask your DH what he would like his mother's partner to be referred to as in conversation, accept that and let it be the end of the matter.

Sometimes we feel a bit "funny" about these slightly awkward/unusual family type relationships. for example, for many years I always referred to my stepfather as my "mother's husband"

For some reason it was a big deal to me. fwiw I always refer to him as either stepfather or even dad/parent. (not dad/parent to his face, just when with people who don't know us and perhaps don't want to hear an off hand comment turn into "my mother's husband who is technically my stepfather etc etc")

to clarify, I meant that now I usually refer to him as stepfather, despite my funny little ways about it previously.

Why don't you ask him? Clearly something's troubling him about the whole situation and you hit a nerve.

Ask him, he might really appreciate the opportunity to talk about it and get his feelings out.

DH says he would call his mother's partner his stepdad if they were married and I could call him my stepfather in law but as they're not I can't.

DH is one of those 'marriage is a piece of paper which doesn't mean anything' types!

I find it really bizarre.

kitbit, I did ask him, gently and kindly, he was really defensive/offensive about it and just told me I was not to call him FIL again.

Apparently I am to call him "Steve, MIL's partner", in future.

I suspect I understand where your DH is coming from, Quicksand. He probably feels like he had to fight to have that man as his dad, to have a relationship with his Bio-Dad, to have him as a "Dad" figure in his life (perhaps his mother was especially resistant?). He doesn't want that position usurped. It's quirky to put up with, but I can see where he'd be coming from.

Ah. Well you know better than anyone if you've been given the signal to back off, or whether he'd welcome some more gentle prodding which might enable you to help him. If my dh is that prickly I don't press him on things (and likewise he leaves me alone if he gets a snappy response, bless him ) I guess you just have to accept it for the moment and if the opportunity comes up see if you can get him to talk about it.

Madam, Dh was in boarding school because of MIL - she put him there from age 7. She sent him to his GPs for the holidays until her partner encouraged her to have DH over so if anything you'd think he'd be fonder of his mother's partner.

It just seems like a sudden, very intense opinion out of nowhere but of course I will have to respect it.

it sounds uncharacteristic behaviour, based on your description of your dp - a bit odd but not v v important so I'd let it go...

Yeah it is uncharacteristic - I assumed there had been some issue between them but no. Will let DH know I am here if he wants to talk.

Definitely worth checking with him how he would like you to refer to the MIL's partner in future.

For example, I can't bear it when my MIL refers to DH's ex as her DIL and to my kids as bother/sister to my stepkids when they are half brothers/sisters.

I'd be really touched if someone checked with me how I would like everyone to be referred to instead of just making an assumption. My role/place in the family and how that relates to everyone else is really important to me IYSWIM - especially as our family is a bit complex(MIL is a whole other thread!)

But yes - if you have referred to him as FIL before I can see how you got a bit of a schock.