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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed that some people cant keep their mouths shut.

24 replies

anon2010 · 28/10/2010 11:28

This is a bit long, sorry.
Have name changed for this (as there is no point complaining about someone blabbing about my life and then blabbing about it myself - btw not too keen on the word blabbing, but I digress)

Years ago, whilst studying I worked a pretty rubbish job, making not much money, a friend and I had decided that once we had finished our studies we wanted to go travelling, however, coming from a working class background and doing a part time job which just about covered my bills I didnt think this would be possible.

The same friend, at the time, was doing phone sex work and suggested I do the same to make a bit of extra cash, being fairly liberal and broad minded (and totally skint) I agreed on the understanding that she would NEVER tell a soul.

Fast forward 12 years and I am now married and about to have our first baby, I am still quite good friends with this girl and so far the promise has been kept, however, we went out with a few other friends for dinner the other night and she started talking about "can you remember when we did that phone work" and went on for ages, eventually managed to catch her eye and gave her a bit of a glare and she stumbled back with "oh hang on no, that was xxxx, I always get confused when I have had a drink."

Dh knows all about this work but AIBU to be a bit annoyed that she wold let it slip when drunk and a bit worried that she might do it again?

OP posts:
RockBat · 28/10/2010 11:31

I think YABU to be honest. You agreed to do it, you knew what you were getting into and it's unrealistic to expect that she would never ever mention it for the rest of her life. It's hardly a big deal anyway. I wouldn't be fussed if one of my friends said she'd done it. I hear it's a pretty good earner for minimal effort!

Vampireteggies · 28/10/2010 11:37

I think YANBU to be annoyed at the time as it caught you out unexpectedly. But now you realise that a repeat is a possibility it is time you faced up to your past ,embraced it , laughed at it and move on.

I think most people who have had to find their own ways in the world have had embarrassing jobs/experiences that their older ,more respectable selves would rather had never happened . But really , its not a huge thing.

Think of some amusing calls and laugh at how much money you earned from the sad gits who used the phone lines.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 28/10/2010 11:39

You need to ask if YABU? Of course you are. It paid for you to go travelling and you weren't actually going to peoples houses to act out whatever fantasies you spoke about.
I imagine your friend didn't sound too convincing when she said it was somone else either.
Get over yourself.

ZombiePlan · 28/10/2010 11:40

No YANBU. It isn't up to her to decide she's kept your secret for "long enough". She had NO idea whether what she said could've caused serious problems in your relationship.

thelunar66 · 28/10/2010 11:44

YANBU - a secret is a secret. There was no time limit on it.

I've had someone do something similar to me in the past and I wanted to kill them.

She didn't know when she opened her mouth and spilled that it wasn't going to cause you major trouble in your current life.

She clearly cannot be trusted with any more secrets OP.

Sarsaparilllla · 28/10/2010 11:48

I think you're overreacting tbh, it was years ago when you were younger, it's not like she let it slip you were a prostitute or something!

atswimtwolengths · 28/10/2010 13:45

If she didn't know that you'd told your husband, then yes, she was unreasonable in announcing it.

But if you were just amongst friends, I would have thought that would be a really funny conversation - EVERYONE has wondered what goes on there, haven't they?

Oh and by the way, can you tell us about it and about how much you were paid as I could do with a new telly have always wondered?

MadamDeathstare · 28/10/2010 13:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

taintedpaint · 28/10/2010 14:05

Well YANBU for being upset about a secret being exposed, but I fail to see why the subject bothers you. It was a chat line, you did it, you weren't exploited, I don't see the big deal tbh. You went travelling and presumably got a wonderful life experience thanks to the money.

Not worth falling out with a friend over.

Don't know what you can do WRT the future of the secret....maybe just laugh it off if it comes up again.

QuizteamBleakley · 28/10/2010 14:09

what atswim... said: it would help HUGELY if you could tell us what it was like and what it paid. Just for, umm, background.

atswimtwolengths · 28/10/2010 14:25

:)

WhoAteAgentZigzagsBrain · 28/10/2010 14:32

If you think it was just because she'd had a few too many I wouldn't worry too much about it, we all do things when we were younger that don't fit into the life and people we are now.

What would worry me would be if she was accidently on purpose making suggestions in front of other people either to make you uncomfortable (I know some people who love the control they have to do this) or to hold it over you for other reasons.

So it depends on what kind of person you know her to be, innocent and harmless or enjoying a few mind games?

I have no time for the latter.

Heracles · 29/10/2010 02:16

It sounds like more grief to keep such a trivial thing a secret than to just not worry about it. As far as I can tell sjhe was talking to you about it, not gossipping, clearly not that bothered about it. Why are you so bothered and is it worth being cross with your friend about it?

WillYouDoTheDamnFanjo · 29/10/2010 02:34

Sadly everyone has their own idea of what constitutes a secret and how it should be kept. Me, I take them to the grave if asked to.

This does make me slightly boring company on the gossip front, though.

There are 3 things in your friend's favour here; firstly, she had had a drink. Secondly, 12 years have passed - perhaps not unreasonable to think that your lives have moved on and it wouldn't be such a big deal any more. In an ideal world she might have checked your feelings first, but realistically we don't often "renew the contract" on a secret.

Finally, it sounds like it just occurred to her in the moment and she kind of checked it out with you by asking if you remembered. She wasn't letting a secret slip deliberately, or behind your back to hurt you.

You could have said "What?! No, not me! You must be thinking of someone else- someone's a bit tipsy! Why, what work have YOU been doing on the phone then?!" I'm sure your friend would have got the message.

5DollarShake · 29/10/2010 03:29

YANBU, although I'm sure your friends would just laugh about it since it's so far in your past, rather than judge you.

You might want to think about your reaction though - if you looked at her with a glare and she then back-tracked, that basically says it's true to the casual observer. If it really wasn't true - you'd be laughing and looking confused.

Have a word with her about not wanting it broadcast.

anonymosity · 29/10/2010 03:34

YANBU - but it sounds like her backtrack was ok and she'll remember for next time...

bekkio · 29/10/2010 07:06

I have done things in my past that I wouldn't be too happy about discussing at a dinner party but there is nothing that my DH doesn't know about so if it did come out it would just be a bit embarrassing.

I suppose it depends on her motive. If she knew it was something that you didn't want revealed and she went ahead and did it anyway then no YANU. On the other hand it might have been a genuine slip about something that happened so long ago that she didn't realise it mattered anymore. Have a chat with her, clear the air !

Bek x

onceamai · 29/10/2010 07:31

Sounds like an innocent slip to me and a lot of time has passed. Not as bad as someone circulating false rumours as happened to a friend of mine. But why you ever agreed to do the calls in the first place if you felt so ashamed your friend was sworn to secrecy is what I find difficult to understand - skint or otherwise.

JaxTellersOldLady · 29/10/2010 07:38

I joked with a friend of mine that we should do this as SAHM, it would tick all the boxes and we could still do the housework go shopping

I just cant imagine talking dirty to some stranger, would end up laughing or squirming or both. Blush

So OP come on, spill the beans, how much did it pay? Would I be able to do it? I have been told that I have a lovely telephone voice

racmac · 29/10/2010 08:20

Jaxtellers - I dont think they want lovely Grin

anyway marking my place i want to know to

AlpinePony · 29/10/2010 08:25

YANBU to expect her to have upheld her end of the deal and stfu.

YABU however to get your knickers in a twist about it. It's not as though you were firing pingpong balls out of your foof in a cafe in Patpong.

2rebecca · 29/10/2010 08:29

12 years down the line she may have forgotten you'd asked her to keep it secret.

I wouldn't think less of any of my friends for having done this, and it could provide some funny stories.

If she genuinely forgot it was supposed to be a secret, or presumed 12 years down the line you'd have come to terms with your past then I'd forgive her and move on. As others said it sounds as though she shut up when she got the hint you were troubled by your past.
It's her past as well though, although I suppose she could have just talked about her doing it.

JaxTellersOldLady · 29/10/2010 09:12

racmac do they want filth? I can do filth, but fear I would be an alcoholic by the end of it, would need a few sherries to get me going.

racmac · 29/10/2010 13:34

jaxtellers - not sure what they want (never done it) but i somehow dont think its lovely Grin

Im tempted - i could do with some extra cash

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