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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be really upset?

21 replies

rpickett · 28/10/2010 10:46

My DH has just been told he has to go on a course starting next week for two weeks for work, if he doesn't do it, it can affect his job.
It isn't an overnight thing and he will be back by 4pm each day BUT I am due DC3 on the 7/11 and the course runs from the 1/11 - 12/11 so chances of me going into labour during that time are extremly high.

It wouldn't be so much of an issue except I have 2 DC's under 2.5 so I will have to somehow look after them (inc carrying them downstairs which is extremly difficult) and if I go into labour I will have to look after them and deal with myself for about 2 hours before anyone is going to be able to get to me to help.

I'm so annoyed it has been a really complicated pregananct so far and unfortunatly I have to rely on DH for a lot of help at the moment with our 2 DC's, I'm really at a lose on what I am going to do AIBU to expect his boss to take these things into consideration and not make DH have to do this course at this time?
PS he hasn't been at the company long enough to get paternal leave so has to work until she is arriving to take any time off.

OP posts:

Talker2010 · 28/10/2010 10:49

I do not see how the boss can take this into consideration

If your husband need the skills and this is when the course is I do not see what the boss can do about it

TorturesInAHalfHell · 28/10/2010 10:51

Oh, yuck, you poor thing. YANBU at all. I mean obviously it's not his fault, and you're not saying it is. I'm not sure if his boss should let him off - does the course run regularly? Are there other opportunities for it?

Three under three is v v v hard, i think you're sort of insane for attempting it, and you definitely need a lot of help.

i have no advice, but I hope it goes okay, somehow.

CrazyPlateLady · 28/10/2010 10:56

YANBU. Has your DH explained the situation to his boss? Maybe his boss is unaware.

kitbit · 28/10/2010 10:58

It is worth a conversation with the boss to see if he can do it later once the baby is born. If he has to do it he has to do it, but this is an exceptional circumstance and if there is another opportunity to do it I can't imagine the boss would say no. You can but ask.

MaudOHara · 28/10/2010 10:58

I do sympathise and can see why you would be upset but from your DH bosses perspective - really why should he care that you need help looking after your 2 DC?

Do you have friends / family nearby that you can call on?

Even if he wasn't on the course then presumably he would be at work so you would have to look after the DC anyway?

MaudOHara · 28/10/2010 10:59

Actually from a business perspective, it doesn't make sense to put your DH on a course that he will have to break off part way through to attend the birth, so maybe your DH could sell it to him that he should go on it antoher time on that basis.

SandStorm · 28/10/2010 11:00

YANBU but neither is the company tbh. How far away is the course if you should go into labour and how long would it take for your DH to get home? My DH was on a course when DD1 arrived (premature) and it took him 3hrs to get home as it was a residential. Everyone pulled out all the stops to get him back in time (failed but the thought was there).

If your DH needs the skills you can't really expect the company to hold off on the course just in case your baby arrives on his/her due date. It might be a long time to the next opportunity for DH to go on this course and if not going is going to hold him back in his job then I think the company is within their rights to expect him to go.

On the other hand if they run this course every other month or so, it's not unreasonable for your DH to ask to postpone it to the next one.

taintedpaint · 28/10/2010 11:03

Well YADNBU. But if he has to do the course, can you at least negotiate his way out of it if you are to go into labour during the course? It sounds rather likely that you will doesn't?

I think your DH should approach his boss, see if there is a way he can do this another time, and if there isn't, then make sure it's very clear what happens if you go into labour.

P.S. 3 under 3?! You're a hero!

manchestermummy · 28/10/2010 11:05

I don't think the boss caring looking after the 2 older DC is the issue here - it's if the OP goes into labour! Maybe the course is much further away than his work? When I was pg with DD, DH was told to go on a course 100 miles away two days before my due date. He said no, and that he'd go on the repeat of the course 6 months later, which he did, and it was nearer to home anyway. Point is that had he been on that course, he'd have been a three-hour train ride away, rather than the 20 minutes away he currently is at work (she says nervously, 10 days before DC2 is due).

I think he needs to have a conversation with his boss: if you don't ask you don't get.

Good luck (you're due the day before me, btw!)

homebirthmummy4 · 28/10/2010 11:09

really horrible for you but there seems no way out, did your other two children arrive on time?? chances are this one may arrive after the course

Gillybean2010 · 28/10/2010 11:14

I think it'd be worth having a word with his boss, and just asking if there's anything that can be done. His boss might not actually be aware of the situation. My DH was asked to go on a residential two week course (about 4 hours away) just before my due date, and all he did was to say to his boss that that wasn't really possible as it was so close, and could he do the next one in two months time?

Boss couldn't have been nicer, and was dead supportive. DH didn't have to do the course in the end after all too. Hope it all works out ok for you :)

TheFallenMadonna · 28/10/2010 11:15

Hang on. He will be taking paternity leave when the baby is born? Then as MaudO'Hara says, it doesn;t make business sense for him to do the course at this time. What kind of course is it? Is it some kind of statutory requirement?

Deliaskis · 28/10/2010 11:17

how much farther away is the course than his usual place of work? If he's going to be home by 4pm every day, is this very different from his normal work schedule?

Horrid situation, but I can see both sides. I too would be upset, but there's probably not a lot you can do. I wouldn't expect the boss to care that you have two other DC to look after, but I would expect him to be aware that your DH might have to leave the course at any given moment if you do go into labour.

EnSuiteShed · 28/10/2010 11:19

Has he told his boss that there is a high probability that he will have to leave the course half way through to attend the birth?

When you say that he does not qualify for parental leave, does that mean that he can have time off for the birth, but then has to go straight back once the baby is born?

Sorry, I don't know much about that side of things.

If I was the employer and I knew that the course was going to be interrupted anyway, I think I'd consider changing the dates of the course if it was possible.

EnSuiteShed · 28/10/2010 11:21

Also, I'm not sure if I'm in the minority here, but isn't it the case that most fathers work right up until the mother goes into labour and then starts the paternity leave then? Were you thinking/wanting your DH to have time off prior to the birth?

Genuine questions - I'm just curious .

Giddyup · 28/10/2010 11:22

God it's a nightmare isn't it? I am 39+4 with DC2 (DS was a quick labour) and DP works away half the week ad any days he doesn't has to leave at 7.30 and gets home about 10pm (4hrs ish total commute). So I totally get your worries, but surely if he is home by 4pm that's better than a normal 9-5 day he would be working anyway? or would he otherwise take time off both before and after the birth? Can someone come and stay with you? it really sounds like you could do with the help with such small children. Luckily my DS is 7 so a help rather than a hassle!

SuchProspects · 28/10/2010 11:24

YADNBU - Your DH has responsibilities outside of the work. There may not be a legal requirement for the boss to take these particular ones into consideration in his case, but there are plenty of cases where the boss would have to look at alternatives, so he certainly could here too.

Original poster

rpickett · 28/10/2010 11:32

DH has spoken to his boss and all he has said is if I go into labour then DH will obviously be able to leave, unfortunatly the course is two hours away but he HAS to go up until I go into labour as his job does depend on it.
As for paternity leave DH hasn't been in the job long enough to qualify which isn't a problem as his work is nights so I can cope with that but it's the course thats day times.
My problem is I have been told that she will probably be here earlyish due to the complications so she has until monday, if not I will probably labour on my own with DC's as they were both fairly quick births themselves.
It doesn't sound like the course is a regular occerence as his boss did say that it is the only one running for a while otherwise he would have re-arranged it, it does sound like his boss understands but I guess his hands are tied too.

OP posts:

EnSuiteShed · 28/10/2010 11:38

I think that's pretty standard TBH.

Is there any way that your DH could have booked annual leave instead of paternity leave so that he could be around? Too late now, but I expect he had the last nine months to organise it .

Deliaskis · 28/10/2010 11:59

I do feel for you rpickett. How quick were your other births? Are you really like to advance very far in 2 hours? Sorry not doubting your word, I'm just finding out about birth for the first time (due in Feb) and am horrified by how long it might take!

Is there anyone else nearer to you who could be on call to be around for a couple of hours while he hotfoots it home to you?

There might even be a MNer close to you who wouldn't mind being on hand if you needed anything during those 2 hours?

Apart from that, I guess the only thing you can do is have everything super prepared, and make sure you call him the minute you suspect movement (rather than maybe waiting thinking 'is it or isn't it?' although with 2 other DCs I am sure you know!), and make sure he has his phone on the whole time and you also have the number of the training venue in case his mobile loses signal or battery etc.

EnSuiteShed · 28/10/2010 12:18

Yes deliaskis - great idea re the mners - if you are around my area I would definitely be on hand for you as I'm a SAHM. I'm sure there are loads of mners who would help you out.

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