To Want to Leave With the Kids

[humanoctopus]

I am feeling stuck, depressed and very unhappy with my husbands behaviour. I work fulltime, he 'minds' the children (I prepare all the meals every evening, do all the laundry, housework,etc).He has become very anti social and hard to live with.
He has over the years become very worried about finances (we are totally in control, no debts other than a small)mortgage and insists on daily tally's of everything we have. He questions the cost of all the food we eat, he could buy it cheaper, etc. I ignore this and buy good value nutritious food regardless.
In the past 2 days he has:
Forced the children to watch what he considers to be educational documentaries (which they hate)
Pinched our ds
Smacked the toddler
Shouts and fumes almost all day.

I have tried, tried and tried to talk with him, using the above specific examples and he throws each thing back in my face, saying its me being over-sensitive, spoiling the children so they are upset if he reprimands them, or that I am trying to prevent them from him delivering a rounded education. Its exhausting.

I am concerned how this will inevitably effect the children. I am also concerned how leaving him may also effect them???
I want to leave, AIBU?

FGS no, YANBU. Leave. Just go. Don't look back.

Hope you're OK.

YANBU, BUT...it sounds like he is depressed...is all of this fairly new behaviour?

Sounds horrendous. Is counselling an option? Has he always been like this? What's the history?

YANBU. I would be worried leaving him alone with them tbh. You should leave asap.

If I am honest, then I think this behaviour has been gathering speed over the past few years. I do think he has 'mental health' issues, but he is not receptive to talking, or acknowledging that his behaviour/feelings aren't ok.

why doesnt he do more in the house? I have very very bad depression and manage some houseowrk on bad days

is your dh contributing something positive to the family home to family life atm?

I think he either needs to take serious action towards analysing and changing his behaviour such as therapy or else I cannot see this improving. What's in it for you frankly?

be carefull if he is the main child carer here.....he could take it all to court and end up with residency,whilst you just get access....courts are keen to maintain the status quo.....you would need to PROVE there are welfare issues

how old is the DS he pinched? & why did he smack the toddler?

He has done less and less over the years, and he manages to make that my fault (as in i want everything done to quickly/my way, so what's the point). I can't see what's in it for me really. I am feeling very scared of what's in store for me. If i leave, I'll have to pay the mortgage and rent somewhere else. I am not worried that he would go to court, he blows up too quickly and wouldn't be good on giving evidence, being questioned, etc. He wouldn't motivate himself to fight for the children (sadly) and would use it as an excuse, I fear, to back away.

He sounds like a lazy selfis and abusive twat. Leave him and don't look back.

Thanks for the input. Seems to be that most people would think that I should leave. Its very hard to go through this, as most people who know us wouldn't know what we are going through.

I think that is often the way.

I would want to investigate whether I would have to support him financially and whether I could be sure the children would be living with me before bringing it up with him.

You say he shouts and fumes all day, so be a bit careful

Any way you can help him "cope" better? Part time nanny? How long till all the kids are at school?

Even a cleaner who comes and does 2 hours a day might make him "behave" and motivate him to get the day started better etc etc knowing he/she is coming?

How do you feel about him? Do you have sex? Are you intimate in other ways (no need to answer, just ask yourself)

I have never felt or been threatened by him. Its reached the point whereby I can't talk sensibly about anything. what a mess.

it is a shame, isn't it when you have dc together. Do you still have any positive feelings for him, do you think?

Without knowing any background, from what you've described it all sounds a bit controlling and as if he's very depressed.

Not sure what you can do if he won't acknowledge there's a problem.

No intimacy at all! I feel that I am beyond all that with him as I need to feel good about him to get close iykwim!!! I have tried to help with hiring help (but he fired her) and was so hostile (hyper critical to the point that the manager felt her staff were being unfairly undermined) to the creche staff a few years ago, that the children weren't welcome anymore and I had to take them out.

It sounds to me like he doesnt want to do what he is doing anymore ,but he feels trapped too by the the fact that you possibly couldnt afford childcare if he stops ? how long has this arrangement being going on ? what did he do before children ? I agree with the other poster who says he might be depressed . That of course doesnt make it any easier for you . Ask him what he actually wants from life and say you will try and support him if he wants do do something different as he clearly isnt happy and that is making you all unhappy

I'd get some professional advice tbh. If he isn't going to help himself then who can? The dcs are better off out of this situation.

I am just worried that I could do more damage to them by leaving, than staying (if that makes sense?) I think I know him well enough to be sure that he won't get help. Its constantly on my mind, I am awake frequently duing the night worrying about what to do. And if he is depressed, I don't think I care enough to care, or to have the kids go through it with him.

Humanoctopus - I really feel for you .

Your story sounds just like an old friend of mine, who has been carrying a useless cocklodging twunt in almost identical circumstances for the last 12 years. She is now a very depressed, exhausted and angry person.

Right. As Sprinkledust pointed out, he is currently the main carer for your DC, and could in theory be awarded full custody and the house if you were to separate.

I'd see about getting a full-time childminder or nursery places for your kids ASAP, and get a cleaner, even if it means beiong sking for a while or taking out a small bank loan. Ignore his moaning, and stop doing any laundry or cooking for him.

Speak to your GP about him slapping and pinching the children and discuss your concerns about his anger issues and mental health - just to get it all on record for the future.

Sorry - not sking!