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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have have taken DD'S laptop and I-pod off her

22 replies

borderslass · 27/10/2010 07:26

DD2 is 15 and has been a nightmare lately not going to bed as a consequence not getting up in time for school.I make sure she is up before I leave to take DS to school at 7.45 actually wake her up between 6.30 and 7.Nearly every morning get a text off school that she is late, yesterday whilst waiting for DS her head of year called voicing concerns about her home-life as she told her best friend that DH had poked and slapped her the night before he hadn't by the way.DH had asked me what was going on with her as he'd come in from work at 2.30 and she was still up and he's told her to get to bed.I am sick of telling her so I asked for her laptop and I-pod cue screaming and shouting she can have them back on a weekend and on a weekday when she can go to bed and get up without a fuss.
AIBU don't know what else to do if she's not got laptop or I-pod she can't sit up all night.

OP posts:

phipps · 27/10/2010 07:30

YANBU at all.

buttonmoon78 · 27/10/2010 07:31

No, YANBU. You are being a decent parent trying to ensure that your child functions well in school. Good for you.

woopsidaisy · 27/10/2010 07:33

Perfectly reasonable of you.Is it possible to drop her off at school after DS?.If she wants to act like a baby,treat her like one.If she gets lippy,start withdrawing the free washing and ironing service that you may provide for example.

Original poster

borderslass · 27/10/2010 07:35

No can't take her to school DS is 16 and goes to a special school 30 miles away.

OP posts:

Goblinchild · 27/10/2010 07:39

I'd also share your concerns with her personal tutor or HOY, tell them what's going on and the sanctions you are putting in place.
That way, if she starts to create excuses based on lying, they will know to check before judging.
Is she keeping on top of the workload? My DS is 15 too, he's getting a fair bit of independent homework set, some things are over a few weeks.
Nothing wrong with a curfew for the stuff when you do return it, along the lines of handing stuff over at 10pm and password-protecting your own computers so she can't nip down in the early hours and help herself.

DeadPoncy · 27/10/2010 09:40

Of course you can restrict access to music and computers at night. Self-discipline is needed for life, but when there is no self-discipline yet, it is perfectly acceptable to impose discipline. That way good habits can form.

She may rage about it, and try to discredit you but will only be proving that she needs the external discipline. You can point this out to her if you like!

naghoul · 27/10/2010 09:41

YANBU at all.

Tootlesmummy · 27/10/2010 09:42

I would have done the same. I would also take away her TV if she has one.

Tootlesmummy · 27/10/2010 09:42

Oh yes and a mobile when it's bed time.

MumBarTheDoorZombiesAreComing · 27/10/2010 09:57

YANBU, Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

DeadPoncy · 27/10/2010 09:58

I take it you mean a baby mobile, and not a mobile phone!

Vallhalloween · 27/10/2010 10:01

YANBU. I have had similar arguments with my own 15 yo, who overslept once last term owing to being on her laptop half the night. Once was enough and she lost her phone and laptop for a week as a result.

She hasn't done it since although like you I got the screaming and shouting about how I was unfair, it's her property, how dare I, how she hates me...

Yawn.

Original poster

borderslass · 27/10/2010 10:07

I really thought we'd turned a corner with her she has borderline ADHD and I'm quite strict anyway but she's now becoming very resentful towards DS who doesn't respect her privacy trying to work with her but it's not easy.

OP posts:

ThickFucker · 27/10/2010 10:26

I would take bloody everything away, weekends included, until she had caught up on her sleep

then reintroduce them one by one when she had proved she could get back on the straight and narrow

so she makes a massive fuss...let her

wfrances · 27/10/2010 10:48

op- be careful how you progress with this.
i took everything away from my 15 ds after catching him watching porn on his psp with my ds6 and ds12 in the room.we had a massive row,he went to school upset and teachers asked him whats up and little b*!! told them ,my mother hates me,shes taken away all my stuff, i go home and just sit in my bare empty room,my brothers and sisters have all got consoles,tvs,phones ect.
school believed every word -i was fuming,had to go up there and explain,then head teacher totally understood and apologised,but believe it or not THEY HAD ALREADY CONTACTED SOCIAL BLOODY SERVICES!!!

Goblinchild · 27/10/2010 10:51

Did you see my post?
The onus on schools now is to take a child's word as credible, and proceed to set an investigation in place, through ss if appropriate.
Just like when a child comes home accusing a teacher of something serious, the teacher is suspended until the investigation is complete.
Whether the child is lying or not.

wfrances · 27/10/2010 11:11

goblinchild -thats just crazy policy ,even headteacher agreed ,interfering with how parents discipline their children is not for schools to decide and is causing a lot of problems.
we are a disciplined home,as the number of children double the amount of adults,my house would be chaos if we didnt.

Goblinchild · 27/10/2010 11:19

I agree, but that's why it's a good idea to keep schools in the loop and not be too defensive if they ask questions.
I've heard all sorts of weird and wonderful things about home from Primary children, but in secondary some children are aware of how the system works and can choose how to manipulate it and the adults involved.

wfrances · 27/10/2010 11:28

yes thats the word id use ,he manipulated the system,
it must be hard being a teacher hearing stuff ,ds 6 told his teacher .he had a dragon living in the airing cupboard ,and ds 15 locks him in there???how that didnt end up with a knock on the door i dont know,
but to me thats just as outlandish as ds 15 telling his school all that rubbish.
just shows family life for some children must be really awfull if its now school policy.

ThickFucker · 27/10/2010 11:43

wf...that schools response would still not stop me from discipinng my kids in whatever way I see fit

I see they have to have a response, but if there is no abuse in your household there is nothing to fear from questions being asked

I would rather the questions get asked for all families than an abused child slip through the net because no-one followed up a disclosure

2rebecca · 27/10/2010 11:47

If she can't be trusted to keep the computer/TV/ipod off once it's bedtime then she doesn't get to keep them in her room. Easy.

GrandhighBOOba · 27/10/2010 11:59

We have a gadget curfew for DSS, the x-box has to get switched off at 9pm on a school night, and he still has a bedtime, again on school nights of 10pm. But then DSS is really quite immature for his age (15) and needs external boundaries in a way that his older brother didn't. We let him do as he likes at the weekend and during holidays, in the hope that he will learn to police his own sleep pattern.

The x-box was removed for a month earlier this year following a major breach of internet security which put his brother's bank account at risk, and which he had been warned about in advance. He is still not allowed to access the internet via our lap-tops. So yeah, I think you are perfectly within reason to withdraw gadgets if she has shown that she cannot yet be trusted to be sensible with them.

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