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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask DC's Father to use some of his holidays to have the children when they are on holiday?

16 replies

mittz · 26/10/2010 14:29

We have a pretty set arrangement for weeks and weekends and he sometimes has them for a little longer at weekends when they are on holiday, but am I asking too much to ask him to use the occasional day to have them so I can work? I am self employed and some of my clients don't like me taking them with me.

But is it a cheek to ask him?

He has had them for two days this year out of his holiday entitlement and I don't think he has much left. He is planning a day off this week and I have asked if he could have the DC's for even a few hours and he has not replied.

I know it's not a massive deal in the big picture but money isn't easy and I lose the hours if I can't go. Parents will help if an emergency but both have health issues so I don't like bothering them and it wouldn't be worth me paying childcare as it would pretty well all go...

OP posts:
GrimmaTheNome · 26/10/2010 14:37

YANBU

Seems perfectly reasonable. I'd have thought a lot of dads would be delighted to have holiday time with their kids.

Maybe next time you should approach it more 'the kids would love to be able to spend some of their half-term holiday with you' - quality time for him not free childcare for you psychology?

Discowife · 26/10/2010 14:37

Does he do an equal amount of childcare to you (week on/ week off) if not YANBU.

If yes, then YABU

Original poster
mittz · 26/10/2010 15:07

He sort of has them two evenings a week and one night/day at the weekend. And to be fair the evenings are nights when I have commitments so he is good to fall in with my plans.

I have sort of suggested them getting together for it's own sake but don't seem to connect. Which means I have to 'ask'.

Trying to be objective...Hmm

OP posts:
Discowife · 26/10/2010 15:23

Well you do 5 days to his 2 evenings so seems a fair request. I suppose you've probably spent your days "off" with the girls too.

BecauseImWorthIt · 26/10/2010 15:26

Do you not have any formal childcare then?

Original poster
mittz · 26/10/2010 15:41

Well...they're at my home much of the time, but that's the way it is..

I certainly know the value of just having days to crash/duvet days so wouldn't want to dominate his time.

My business does allow me the odd day off when they are at school and I get the day when they are at his. Wad a bit Hmm because he took last Thursday off, and then said he was taking another day off this week but didn't mention having the DC's.

It's not a 'new' situation but there's just no rule book is there?

OP posts:
Original poster
mittz · 26/10/2010 15:45

No BIWI, I am self employed, running a cleaning / ironing service and have done since they were born and have always worked with them either in tow, or from home where they are.
Where I work at someone's house they are now, to be polite, too disruptive to take with me.
It is flipping exhausting.

Childcare would be a luxury to be honest.

I suppose at a push I could put the youngest in with a child-minder (she's 7) and the oldest could just 'check in' (he's 12) so it was still worth me working.

OP posts:
BecauseImWorthIt · 26/10/2010 16:52

Sadly, I think in your current situation you can't expect him to provide you with childcare to let you work - you are no longer a partnership.

Can you not leave your older child at home? I know MN is often divided as to what's appropriate in terms of children being left alone, and it obviously depends on your child and his maturity.

Not an easy situation for you.

(YANBU to want your ex to help out, but sadly I think YABU to really expect him to - to answer your AIBU!)

PosieComeHereMyPreciousParker · 26/10/2010 16:54

OP what do you do with your days off?

YANBU

trixie123 · 26/10/2010 17:52

Because Im worth it surely they will always be a partnership as far as the children are concerned? Why should he not bear some of the difficulty of what to do with them in the holidays?
OP could an alternative be for him to help pay for some childcare or holiday club or something?

HellaVita · 26/10/2010 18:00

I don't think YABU at all.

minipie · 26/10/2010 18:09

Surely he should have equal responsibility for sorting out childcare during the working week. They are as much his children as yours.

That means either he should look after them himself for 2.5 days a week, or he should pay for childcare for that time.

I wouldn't phrase it as asking him to use his annual leave though. I would simply say "I can't take them to work any more so I am going to need you to help sort out daytime childcare for at least half the week". Up to him how he does that.

BecauseImWorthIt · 26/10/2010 18:14

Gah! Just posted and the site went down.

Trixie - yes they are a partnership in the sense that they are both parents, but they aren't a partnership in the sense of sharing day-to-day childcare.

And if they were still together, would the OP be right to ask him to take time off work so that she could go to work? No. They would have to arrange childcare.

So in their current circumstances, minipie is, I think, right - the OP's ex should be helping pay for that childcare.

PlentyOfPockets · 26/10/2010 18:22

BecauseImWorthIt said: "Sadly, I think in your current situation you can't expect him to provide you with childcare to let you work - you are no longer a partnership."

He's still their dad though!

OP, YANBU to ask - if you were still together, he would be taking AL in the school holidays to spend time with his kids and there's no reason that should change just because you've split up. Do make sure you give him enough time to book his AL though. Remember that everybody with school-age kids will be trying to take theirs at the same time.

QuantaCosta · 26/10/2010 18:38

I think it's totally reasonable that he assists with childcare during holidays whether you're in a 'partnership' or not. He's their father!!

I expect my DP to take time off during holidays so I don't have to use all my holiday entitlement looking after the boys or spend ridiculous amounts on holiday club. I am the bread winner in my family with the more 'responsible' job. However I am still the one who knows when all school holidays are, ensures my leave is planned to cover all holidays and have a few days 'in hand' just in case. He leaves all the child care arrangements to me amazed and always ends up at the end of the year with insufficient leave.

However I have told him he does have a choice. He is welcome to pay for the holiday club if he doesn't want to take to take any days but that he is responsible for two days childcare (or whatever) over a particular period and it is his responsibility to sort out as he wishes. So far he has only ever once paid for the HC option.

You work as well and they're his kids too. Why should it all fall to you!??

Original poster
mittz · 27/10/2010 14:10

I think I will discuss the option of sharing childcare costs if using AL is an issue. Feeling a bit grumpy today and clouding the issue with other back issues.

If he 'wants' to take time off and spend it with them it has to come from him I guess. Like it was mentioned, it shouldn't be seen as a favour to me.

I don't do as many hours as he does but my work allows me to balance the school run/school events/docs/dentist/hospital appointments/sick days/homework/ the usual fill in activities.

What do I do with my days off Posie?...if it falls when they are at school usually catching up on house stuff like so many of us do. Very occasionally see a friend, but I must admit I do try to make the weekend break a bit more me orientated.

The evenings he sees them I get to go Kickboxing and have counselling.

Thanks for the input Smile It has helped to gain some perspective.

OP posts:
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