Grandparents not making an effort

[21centurymum]

This is my first post here, I just need to get some sense of reality, and other people's opinions, to see whether I am being reasonable on our daughters's grandparents?

My OH's mother emailed about 2 weeks ago to say that a distant cousin had died and that they would attend the funeral. This was a mile up the road from us and they live an hour away.

OH suggested they popped in to visit on the same day. OH mother said would pop in if they had time. I then contacted her to say they were very welcome to pop in for a cup of tea to to see their GD, 18 months old, even briefly. Did not hear back from her. On day of funeral OH chased her up. Mother said same again, would pop in if had time. At 3pm a text message arrived to say they had gone home to miss the rush hour.

Then sent an apology after OH said I was a bit upset. Reply said looked forward to seeing us at Xmas, meaning would be 3 mths since seeing GD.

Is it reasonable to expect them to make some effort to see their granddaughter that they do not see often, on the same day as a funeral? Given that the funeral was a person she met a handful of times in her life.

OH feels that it is unreasonable to expect them to visit on the same day as a funeral?

Some grandparents are involved and some will see them sporadically throughout the year - neither are right or wrong.

Could you go visit them?

YANBU - they sound crap. A little cuddle with a darling chubby grandaughter would have been just the thing to cheer most people up after a funeral. Especially when it wasnt a close relation.

I would give them a piece of your mind.

On the plus side your DD will be no worse off without them around if they are as crap as they seem.

Maybe they were upset because of the funeral and did not want to appear so in front of you. Funerals are emotionally draining and perhaps they did not have the energy to visit. I don't think you should condemn them for not attending.

Could you visit them before Christmas? Or invite them over?

Not all grandparents are dotty about their grandchildren. They keep birthdays and Christmas etc. but are very 'hands off' the restr of the time. Sounds like your in-laws are those kind of people. It's not unreasonable to expect a visit but, on the other hand, if you know they prefer to keep their distance, don't let it upset you...

I dont think they sound "crap", just preoccupied. They probably did not think that a funeral and visiting a grandchild was a good combination. Maybe if your dp had gone with them to the funeral of this relative, it would have felt natural for them to come back for a cuppa to yours.

Some people just dont want to "intrude". Could you go visit them?

Your OH know how likely it is that his parents would be up for grandparenting straight after a funeral. If he thinks they wouldn't cope, they wouldn't.

Funerals can be distressing even for those who weren't close to the deceased; I get very sad seeing my family and friends upset.

Well, I don't think it's their duty to visit you and see GD, jsut as it's not yours to visit them particularly (unless they were desparate to see GD but couldn't travel far due to e.g. health issues etc.). If they had wanted to come they would have. Visiting out of obligation is no fun for anyone really.

I guess some GPs are more involved than others, and after a funeral they might not have been in the mood. I can also sympathise with not wanting to join the rush hour chaos if you have the option to go home earlier.

And MIL never committed to coming anyway. I don't think they've done anything wrong TBH.

D

YANBU. My folks will ring 2x a week and leave no more than 3 wks between visits to DCs, even when they lived 150 miles away. MIL/FIL - 45 mins away - never ring or visit. DCs have to go to them. Even when I rang to say older 2 were too ill to go on a trip with them, MIL didn't even ask what was wrong or how they were, just said 'oh, probably for the best, really'. Their loss, but it makes DP sad.

It can be quite disrespectful to the bereaved family and deceased,to turn a visit to a funeral into a 'jolly' to do other things as well.

Thanks for the responses so far, really helpful to get impartial opinions.

Chil1234 I think you are right, it is probably the hands off approach, I have to get used to it.

We go and visit them most of the time, they have only been to our house 2 times this year.

I think what is says more than anything is the fact that they did not reply to my invite sent a week before.

2 visits from GP is more than we get from OH side - she has been here once in 6 years.

As other posters say, not all GPs are hands on, and they probably felt combining a visit with a funeral not appropriate.

Interesting to read about the crap/disinterested GPs. OH's parents similarly disinterested (MIL visited house twice in 13 years yet visits her daughter & children every few weeks. Both journeys take as long).

I kind of think that with family (especially in-laws) you just have to accept them as they are. If I want my dc to see more of the in-laws, the only real option I've got is visiting them more often. It's rubbish, but life's too short to do anything other then just get on with it

I don't think you have to be especially close to the deceased to feel shaken up by funerals; my parents are in their 70s and say they get a definite shudder of mortality with every relative they wave off now. Maybe they didn't want to bring that melancholy with them - babies can cheer some people up, but they can remind others of how little time we all have, etc, etc.

It is such a shame that people can't swap-there are so many people who have grandparents who want more involvement than they are willing to give!
Seriously, I'm afraid that you just have to accept that that is the way they are.

I have been to funerals of people that I didn't know that well and I found them awful and draining. Although visiting their DGC may have taken their minds off it. They didn't have to tell anyone else they were coming to you.

My ILs live in the same city as us and I am lucky if they bother to see DS between a month and 2 months. We have been in our house for 2 years and I think they have visited 3 times.

Some GPs are shit tbh.

I am spoilt by having a fabulous Nan (who brought me up) and has DS when ever I need her too (although I don't ask too much, don't want to take the piss). I assumed that all GPs were like her until I met DH's family.

I'd be more bothered that it is October and they aren't planning on seeing you until Christmas!

But then I have to beat my parents off my dd with a stick, which although they are well intentioned can be a little smothering

We had the same with my MIL and FIL who live three hours drive from us. They didnt come to see us when my DD was born (their first grandaughter)despite offers and invitations. We found out after the event that they attended a wedding a 10 minute drive away from us when my DD was 8 weeks old and didnt come to see us despite the fact that they stayed in the area for two nights before and after the wedding.

We eventually forced ourselves on them to visit when my DD was 10 weeks old. She is now 9 months and they have not seen her since despite our offers again.

There has been no fall out, they are perfectly healthy and relatively young, but they are just really preoccupied with their own lives and not that interested in being grandparents.

Luckily my parents are crazy for their granddaughter.

Sometimes as people get older they find the whole experience of driving distances, travel, changes to routine, fitting lots of things into their day quite stressful. Maybe the change in routine to attend the funeral was already more than they could comfortably manage. Is it possible your FIL is finding driving harder than he used to and couldn't cope with the thought of driving in the rush hour?

That must be hard for your DH Lambzig

My DM couldn't wait to have GC...so excited,all biz...then they arrive and she LOVES to see them,as long as they don't interfere with bridge,racing,lunches out,her daily lie-ins...she visits us maybe twice a year-for the day! So we have to visit her-handy with two DC,and my DAD!? He shudders when the DC come through the door...he is a bit Victor Meldrew! Thing is my DC ADORE them! Your parents have done the parenting thing,as mentioned above some are really hands on and others aren't.You can't change it or force them.

Some GPs just don't want to be involved. FIL lives 3 hours away and didn't see DS2 until he was 6 months old. Mind you MIL lives 2.5 hours away and although we are reasonably frequent visitors hasn't touched DS2 yet. That is "hands off"!

I think some people are just like that unfortunately. My brother lives 10 minutes drive from us but has never made any effort to see his nephew and didn't even bother to come to his Christening. I've tried to get him to take an interest but he's made it clear that he won't. Shame for ds not to know his cousins.

I felt the same a few months ago when my parents didn't come to see my children whne they were 10 miles away attending my uncles funeral. It was mainly because they hadn't seen them since January and I felt it wouldn't have hurt them to come in on the way back.

However, I found out the reason for this was because my mum had just discovered she had breast cancer (we didn't know at that point) and my uncle had died of bowel cancer, so she obviously and understandably had her mind elsewhere.

My parents don't make enough effort, never really have done, but sometimes, as I found out, there can be a very good reason.

I didn't confront them about not coming to see their grandchildren (thank goodness!) I just assumed they would make silly excuses...how wrong I was

So before getting too cross, try to find out the reason why.