To hand in my notice and tend my son & garden

[Iwantthosehoulihans]

I have been back at work following mat leave for 2 months, DS is now 10 months old. I have a good job in the NHS, have reduced my hours to 26 and am also trying to finish a masters degree. In the middle of this we are also going through a major dept. re-organisation at work and if I'm being honest I no longer have the motivation or desire for any of it.

DS is a happy, content, smiley baby who is very chilled. We have had fabulous childcare arrangements until today. When we arrive each morning DS is smiling & laughing and really enjoys being there. I have never worried about him for one moment.

Today my childminder told us that she would no longer be able to continue childminding after the end of November. This is for personal family reasons and I totally understand this. I just feel so sad for my DS and can't bring myself to start looking for somewhere/ someone else when I know it will never be the same (well that's how it feels right now!). How many times will this happen to him? I don't want him dragged round to another childminder every few months/ years.

AIBU to hand in my notice? Can a former career minded girl who has waited until late 30's to have a baby pack it all in, give up designer shoes and stay home bringing up DS and doing all the things she'd love to like tending her veggie patch? Or will I regret a rash decision even if it feels right? We would have to tighten our belts but for the first time in my life I think there is something more important.

If you can afford to then why not

I agree. If you can afford it, do it. Doesn't have to be forever, does it?

YANBU go for it if you can manage on your budget. i am single mum to dd she is now 5 i was in a very well paid job with no proffessional qualification with social services, dd has been in nursery from 3 months and childcare worked well but i wanted to be there to take her to school and pick her up every day and could not get my department to agree hours but they offered a transfere to another dep. like your work place this department was facing reorganisation and looks like it will be axed. so i said do you know what stuff it resign. i was already doing OU courses toward social work degree and if relocated i would have lost the funding. so Im now very very happy, totally skint and my only saving grace is that dd does need many xmas pressies this year. I have applied to local university to continue my degree so fingers crossed. but you know what I am so very happy and content. No Veggie patch though.

I am thinking how hard it will be to go back in a few years and how my colleagues will react when I say I am throwing away a gittering career. Hardly it's the NHS we don't get bankers bonuses.

Obviously that should say glittering career which it's not.

I agree, YANBU.

I understand your concerns about childcare but I think that if you really, desperately wanted to be working you could get round that- you would find another CM or nursery that you really liked. The fact that it seems like a big barrier is maybe an indication that you do want to stop work (at least for a while- as Dansmommy says, it needn't be final)

There's really no way of knowing whether you'd love being a f/t SAHM until you've tried it. IME, giving up the material things was easy; giving up that 'part' of myself; that other me; less so.

Would you still be able to afford to put your DS into childcare occasionally if you wanted to? Call me lazy but that is quite important to me. When our DCs were tiny, we couldn't have afforded to do that and, TBH, there were times I felt very worn-down and a bit trapped. Nowadays, we have a bit more money coming in and I have the option of using childcare every so often if I want a day to myself or to get mundane jobs done. Would that be an option for you?

I would say, take a look around for another childminder or nursery that you would be happy with and wait another few months before making any big decision.

It always is difficult going back after time at home with your lo, but make sure that it is not a reaction to feeling let down by your current childminder. If you give up your current role, it could be difficult to get into another, esp part-time.

It can be much more difficult to pick up a career if you stop totally and even if you do decide to resign, you might want to look at what you can do to keep your CV looking appealing whilst at home. (Unfortunately, sexist or not, saying you stopped work 2 years ago to look after your dc's will not look as good versus a male colleague who hasn't taken that time off at interview).

In summary, I'd just say think carefully before making any big decision.

In short-YES- if you can afford it, you are very lucky to have that choice -honestly, do it

I was in your shoes, in my case my hand was forced, I over did it & ended up too ill to carry on with what I was doing, I was devastated at the time, didn't think we'd cope financially, like yourself I thought I'd miss the perks to much, didn't even think I could cope with being a SAHM without going nuts....but it was still the best thing I could of done, we manage fine, I miss none of it, your priorities will change, & its actually quite liberating not to care about designer shoes etc......& I love the fact I don't have the same stress that I see a lot of the other poor life juggling Mums at the School gates going through daily.

I do understand its a hard choice to make, you do get sort of addicted to the old lifestyle I really don't think I would of chosen to have given it all up, & it was hard in the beginning, but I'm sure as hell glad I did :)

Thanks to you all, my feelings are not helped by the fact that DS now has croup, didn't know a cough could sound so bad.

I think I do need to sit back and think harder but am still very much erring on the side of just do it. I spend too much of my life deliberating over options meanwhile DS is growing up.

I did what you did 14 years ago. I has 8 years as a SAHM and they were the best and most fulfilling of my whole life and I am convinced it gave the dc a very secure start to life that has benefitted them. Went back part time when youngest was settled at school and full time a few years later. OK reinvented myself career wise and started at the bottom again but now have professional qualifications and a career pathway. Don't regret it one little bit. But the first few years on one income, albeit a very good one, were very very tight so be ready to economise.

I think you should avoid the 'rose coloured spectacles' when thinking about being a stay at home mother. Be careful that the short-term problems of a challenging work environment and the childminder situation aren't clouding your better judgement. If you're used to a busy, fulfilled work life staying at home with a baby can be incredibly dull after the novelty wears off. And being out of the job market for 4 years can cause problems in itself. A change of role might be what you need rather than just throwing the towel in call together. Good luck with whatever you decide.

I wouldn't. Your DS is very young and it's always a wrench to some extent leaving such a young child with carers. As he gets bigger it will feel less so. Can you change a shift so you work a night/evening, to cut down on childcare time? Lots of nurseries are lovely, my DS has always enjoyed his. I agree it will be hard to get back the working conditions you have now, and SAHMing doesn't suit everyone (though it may suit you).

it's a big decision that will still be affecting you 20 years from now.

can you find a way to delay it and see how you feel when things have settled down?

how easy do you think it is to get a good job on 26 hours?

sorry. might not be what you want to hear.

This is a bit morbid, I know, but the day you are on your death bed, will you look back and say "how I wish I had stayed on at work" OR "how glad I am to have had the opportunity to stay at home with my child, and grew a few spuds along the way"! Your DS will adjust in a new childminders, but if this is something you really want to do, and can afford to do, then go for it.

I did this last October. Left my senior nursing role after working full-time for the NHS for 12 years. Felt like a huge risk but was so liberating. Family and friends all joked that I wouldn't last 5 minutes at home but here I am a year later and pregnant again. If like me you are in the fortunate position to be able to afford to take time off, my advice would be to do it. I took the attitude that if I have to have a regret when dd's are grown up, I would prefer to regret putting my career on hold than not being about as much for dd's. I spent the first 5 years of motherhood juggling the guilt of my career and trying to be the best mummy I could possibly be under those circumstances so feel, I've had a bash at both and this is right for me for now.
I bank at my local hospital for 1 shift per week to maintain my PIN, but am working 4 bands lower than my previous post. It's quite humbling but doesn't take away any of my previous skills or experiences. When the kids are older I will pick up my career and will undoubtedly start at the bottom and work my way up. The only other thing to say is that whilst we could afford for me to give up work we dropped our household income significantly and we did have to make lifestyle choices - not eating out 2 or 3 times per week, shopping more economically, walking more places than driving. Good luck with your decision!

personally dont regret it - now have own buisness that works around the kids (most of the time) - does mean I work till 4 in the morning occasioanly

There are 2 separate issues here.

One is whether you want to be at home with your son at the possible expense of rungs on the career ladder - had this not happened to bring it to a decision point would you have been happy working ?

The other is that at all points in your ds' life people will come and go for whatever reason - childminder, teachers, friends - and it is up to you to prepare him for those situations. If you want to continue to work , and presumably you would need to give notice very soon if not, you would find an alternative childcare scenario, not the same but perfectly good on its own merits.

I did it. I went back full time after DC1 but chucked it all in after DC2. It's bloody hard work - I've gone from a full time professional and rewarding career, which pre children I had loved. But, as much as some days I long to skip out the door in nice clothes to go somewhere where people listen to what I say (and if they do whine, do it out of my earshot!) I know I made the right decision. Settling DC1 at school has been much easier than if I was juggling child care, and yesterday when I was walking through the park in the sunshine with two laughing children, I felt very very happy, in a way that I never felt at work.

With regards to what work I'll do in the future - I don't know. I'm volunteering for local charities just now and have some child care for DC2 twice a week, so I do have a few hours of child free time - but seeing as we'll all be working until we're 70 - I figure I've got plenty of time to have another career in a few years.

It's definitely not an easy decision to make though. I agree with victormeldrew though - you'll never regret spending more time with your kids :)

Oooh no YANBU at all! As you say you are also in the middle of a degree! Hand it in! Be with your baby and re-think your career....don't THINK about your colleagues opinions! And don't feel the need to explain yourself either...nothing to do with them!

I never went back at all and I was meant to! At least you had a go!

Should add that not going back was so right for me because I ended up starting my own business from home....which is doing very well. That didn't happnd till DD 1 was 2 yers old mind you...so just take the time to enjoy yourself for a while...andd forget about the job...your mind will open up through your being happy.

Go for it!
The key to it is when you say you have no motivation or desire for it anymore.
I felt like that this year and as a teacher felt I had to stop before I wrecked what had been a great career with lethargy!! also didn't feel it fair on the children I was teaching as it became harder and harder to motivate myself.BTW my own DC are now teenagers and although they don't need me before 4.30pm I'm so glad I'm here for the after school bit!
The first month I gave up work was full of guilt mainly that I wasn't bringing in any money for the first time ever and all the years training I'd done, but now it's absolutely fine! It does help to have your partner's full support!
As I said go for it and good luck!!

ARE YOU ABLE TO TAKE A CAREER BREAK FROM WORK? oops! sorry bout caps!

i would say to give it all up...i did and i don't regret a single moment of it.

lifev as a sahm is what you make it. it can be a lonely old life if you don't get out and about, but if you have friends with kids who donm't work, or are able to attend local groups etc to make new "mummy" friends then you'll have a lovely time.

if you are wanting another child at some point, it can make that decision easier too as you're not worrying about taking maternity leave/going without a wage etc..

it is hard taking a drop in wages, but life can become richer!

YANBU (if you can afford it and your dh/dp agrees of course).

I was in this position 4 years ago. My career was hardly glittering but it was a career and I loved it. After ds1 was born I went back to work full-time for 9 mo, then handed my notice in and have been a SAHM ever since. No regrets at all.

Are you planning on any more dc? I was really glad I was at home when I had 2 (2 year gap) - financially we weren't any worse off at that point than if I had been working cause 2 lots of childcare would have wiped out my wages totally.

I am planning to go back to work (part time) when ds2 starts school. Refuse to believe it will be impossible, tho am expecting to start at a lower grade than previously. I don't think I will have damaged my career permanently either - maybe cause when I decided to have children I knew it would be at the expense of getting to the top (hats off to those women who manage it but I don't have that amount of energy).