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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at MIL

49 replies

Rosettaroo · 25/10/2010 11:32

I have a family wedding on a Thursday at the end of November, it is approx 200 miles from home. DS is not invited but my MIL promised she would have him for the afternoon, she only lives about 1 hour from the venue and we were popping him in on way down.She is a private part time further ed teacher, she has now rang us saying she changed one of her teaching sessions to a Thursday afternoon she did this in June and forgot she was having DS. I don't know what to do, all my friends work so I can hardly expect them to take a day off work.Have thought about a Mum at school I am friendly with but seems cheeky, My DH is going to ask her to reschedule her class and offer to pay any losses she incurs. She wanted to leave him with the manager of the centre, who I have never met while she teaches and got really annnoyed with me when I said I was not happy leaving him with someone I have never met. He is 9 years old and she has looked after him for two weekends in his entire life. He is her only granchild. If the wedding was on a Saturday I know either of his godparents would look after him. Whaddya think?

OP posts:
diddl · 25/10/2010 12:14

I also don´t think that your MIL has "only" had him for 2 weekends is relevant either tbh.

Original poster
Rosettaroo · 25/10/2010 12:25

The teaching session is two hours, the community centre it is in is council owned. If the manager was looking after a child when they are supposed to be working they could get in to trouble and I think it unfair to ask them.

OP posts:
laweaselmys · 25/10/2010 12:25

Can you explain why you are bothered about your perfectly cognicent 9yo spending, what 1hr? Maybe 2?With an adult your MIL trusts?

As an aside, why are you taking him out of school to a wedding 200miles away that he is not invited too? Surely staying at a school friend's for the night would be the first option?

laweaselmys · 25/10/2010 12:26

X-post.

Has your MIL checked with the Manager? Perhaps it has already been okayed.

Original poster
Rosettaroo · 25/10/2010 12:28

It is an exercise class, so no syllabus lost, I put she has only ever had him for two weekends, because I wanted to show that we have never asked her to do very much for us. It's DH that is putting pressure on me to ask about attendance....reading post above, I won't ask.

OP posts:
PaisleyPumpkin · 25/10/2010 12:31

So it's an exercise class in a community centre? Crikey. Of course our 9 year old DS will be fine waiting with the manager for a couple of hours.
It's nice of your MIL to sort this out and not just bail out on you when she realised there was a clash.

HauntingTheTardis · 25/10/2010 12:38

I think a 9 year old will be fine either waiting with the manager or sitting at the back of the class with a book or some drawing or a ds or similar. I agree with Paisley - this was an honest mistake on your MIL's part, and she has done her best to sort out the situation.

And fwiw, cancelling the class might not mean loss of curriculum for the class members, but it might deprive someone of their only trip 'out' in the week, or something they really look forward to - hardly fair to do that because your 9 year old can't sit with the centre manager for a couple of hours.

Giddyup · 25/10/2010 12:44

What are your concerns about your son sitting with the manager or even joining in the class?
Is your problem really about this situation or more MILs attitude in general?

diddl · 25/10/2010 12:44

Wouldn´t it be better for him to go to a school friend & in to school with them the next morning?

If he is with MIL won´t he have to miss school the next day?

I´m sure the mum would be more than happy to help if she can.

TBH, you sound very inflexible.

Original poster
Rosettaroo · 25/10/2010 12:55

I don't mind him sitting in the class, but she has to ask them if they mind, same with the manager, she is yet to ask.

OP posts:
thesecondcoming · 25/10/2010 13:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Katisha · 25/10/2010 13:17

Yep I have changed my mind on this one. OP is being inflexible.
He can go to MILs and sit with a book for an hour or two. Has he not got a Nintendo DS or something? YOu could get him a game for it.

onceamai · 25/10/2010 13:20

Two options surely:

  1. He will be fine with the manager. It's FE and the manager and probably most of the staff in the place will be CRB checked. He's 9 so can't he take his DS, Ipod with him? I wouldn't have a problem with MIL suggesting this at all; she's fulfilling her commitment to you and has made safe arrangements to ensure she does.
  1. Couldn't he go to school as usual and then for tea/sleepover at a friends. This always worked well for us.
curlymama · 25/10/2010 14:54

I wouldn't worry about asking for help from one of your friends. I don't like asking for help either, but as long as you act suitably appreciative and offer to return the favour I'm sure she won't mind. If she does, she can say no.

I wouldn't ask the Bride and Groom, especially this close to the wedding. They may well have already paid for the meals, worked out most of the seating plan etc. Even if they haven't, it is a bit unfair to spring this on them. Imo, so is not inviting your family's children, but that's not the point!

ValiumSkeleton · 25/10/2010 14:56

So she's letting YOU her son and DIL down when you need to go to a WEDDING! rather than letting down a student (whose class lasts an hour?). The parents of the pupil would probably be able to rearrange something.

It seems really odd.

diddl · 25/10/2010 15:11

She´s not letting anyone down imo.

She has offered an alternative which OP doesn´t want to accept.

OP could also ask a friend.

Original poster
Rosettaroo · 25/10/2010 22:33

My DH spke to MIL this evening, her class are ok with DS sat in with them as she asked them, this is fine with us , I was worried they may not like it as they are paying for a class.

This seems like a good outcome, I did ring my friend from school but she is away at a conference when the wedding is on.

OP posts:
IAPJJLPJ · 26/10/2010 07:32

Still want to know why he isnt at school?? - or did I miss the reason? Blush

Gory09 · 26/10/2010 07:47

"As she is self employed and my husband offered to pay her for any losses incurred and she has rescheduled classes before we thought this may be okay"

As they dio not seem to be a money issue, could you not get a babysitter? surely it is going o be cheeper than paying your Mil's wages? IMHO at 9yo your DS would certainly cope for a short time with someone he does not know (that obviously you have checked the references off and are confortable with).

Gory09 · 26/10/2010 07:48

Sorry x-posted. I think that is a good solution you all found.

needafootmassage · 26/10/2010 07:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 26/10/2010 07:52

I agree with need-plus it´ll be more fun for him!

I´d also help in such a situation-I think many would tbh.

CrazyPlateLady · 26/10/2010 09:16

Tell your family you can't make it as you can't get child care. If they aren't going to invite a 9 year old family member to their wedding then they should expect there may be problems.

Original poster
Rosettaroo · 26/10/2010 10:21

I did ask one friend, she is at a conference at that time, I don't like to aks my other mate as her Dad died two weeks ago and she is currently trying to deal with her grief and also her Mums. She is popping round for tea later this week, but she has enough on her plate. This is the first time he has ever missed school unless ill , we have never taken him out for holidays.

OP posts:
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