ex's new girlfriend

[becknnico]

I am the sister of a frequent mumsnet user and she insisted that I post my dilemma. I am really at a loss. I am a brand new single mom. Myles is 6 wks old, and beautiful. He is now my life, pride, and joy. His father lives in AZ and I in CA. Still just an hour flight or 8 driving. I dont want to make myself out to be the angel I want honest answers givin the reality of the situation, so here it is...Jared and I were never a couple I met him at work and he was married. We saw each other anyway, it was a very small town he grew up in, and I moved in to w. my sisters. We were only working the tourist season and parting our asses off. So when I met him at work he used to party w.us. His wife and him were on opposite schd. so in a way he lived two lives. While I never approved of this, I also never for a second was in it for the long hall(proud or not)Eventually we became really good friends, and then I moved to CA, as intended. His wife and him split shortly after but before he came out to see me, thats when I conceived. He then wanted to be with me, I was still having none of it but we made plans to have him move in with my sister and I(who is also a single parent) and help for at least 6 mo. he more more willing to help with anything and everything he could than I had ever expected. I felt very comforted especially cause I have no friends or family anywhere close AT ALL. A month before my due date his plans seemed very delayed and he wasnt calling. I thought he was mad or something, and should have guessed that when I called I found out he had a new girlfriend. He insisted on a paternity test before he helped me at all. Crushed, financially strapped and lonely I said OK crying. What else could I do. Since we have ahd the test, and I planned a trip back to AZ for Myles to see hima nd his parents. It is clear to me his withdrawl is because of his girlfriend, but then to recieve a call from him telling me that it is important for her to be in our childs life and hee wants me to meet her and for there to be no drama. Annoyed, and knowing that he wont even be with Myles without my supervision for a long time I said OK, Basically thinking that that wont come into play for a long time. I feel like I have so much on my plate for him to be throwing this down my throat too. Did I mention they have only been dating for 3 months. So to get to my question, I find out that my visit in a week he wants to bring his girlfriends over his Mmos and us all to have a big happy dinner together. Family ahs always been really important to me, and I am grateful Myles has some family in AZ cause its al lot closer than my family. I just wanted to meet them and have them all have quality time with Myles, and now I feel bombared. and I dont feel comfortable with this girl, who is 22 by the way trying to be some sort of maternal figue to my son, who is my everything, the thought of her holding him makes me cringe, and its not cause Im jealous, I not in a million years would have stayed with Jared, its the thought of being forced in top this, Mayby in 6 m onths if there still together, I feel like HE should be getting to know him first, and maybe if they had been together longer, and we have been on good terms till today when I told him I dont want her there.. HELP

So, I guess my question is AIBU to ask him to not bring her to dinner considering this will be the first time they have all met ds? Btw, the 22 yr. old comment is primarily cuz he is 30 not because I believe this is an unfit age for motherhood, sorry if this offended anyone, no harm meant.

Firstly, your post would be a LOT easier to read with some paragraphs in it.

Secondly, you screwed a married man who dumped his wife (or she threw him out), knocked you up, then dumped you a month before your due date for a woman eight years younger than himself.

Then he insisted on a paternity test before agreeing to help support his son.

Then when your son is 6 weeks old, so he's been with this girl for 3 months (i.e., since during your pregnancy), he wants to bring the girlfriend to your place for a family dinner so she can start getting to know your son. Who he has never met.

The answer is no, of course she shouldn't come to dinner. But if you're flying to AZ and staying with his parents, you don't have any ability to ensure that she doesn't.

Why are you going back there at all? This man has been completely vile throughout this process, dumped you a month before you gave birth and resisted any financial responsibility, and hasn't bothered to come and see his son. How you can call this "being on good terms" is beyond me. It's up to him to fly out to you, not you to drag a newborn across the country.

Don't go to AZ, and don't allow his new girlfriend to stay with you.

Sorry, not "to your place", "to his mum's place". Still.

Well, I think that regardless of all the moving and sisters and wives and 22 year olds - without all of that, it is too soon to introduce a new partner to a child.

If they are still together in a year, then yes. She will be a part of your ex's life properly. Your baby is only six weeks so his relationship is hardly established. He can't introduce every new girlfriend to his son, especially as he sounds like a serial womaniser! It could be that he is using the baby as a tool of seduction. Look at my brand new lovely baby, gather round ladies!

If this was me, I would say to him 'I don't think we should introduce new partners to Myles until we have been together for a year.' And obviously you have to do that too. Which will be much harder if your baby is living with you full time.

He does sound like a bit of a wanker I'm afraid.

If I was you I would make sure you got financial support first. Are you sure you'll get it from him?

And secondly, part of your post makes me thinking that its because of the influence of this new woman that your ex doesn't want to be part of your baby's life. Am I reading this right?

Either way, the answer is, as pointed out by Tortures, no, he should not be bringing his new gf to meet your baby. This should be a time for him to bond with the baby and not his gf's moment. Her's will come once they've been together for a while and you have proper visitations in place, if you see what I mean?

Good luck!

tortures- he did not dump me nor did I ever intend or want to stay with him. He did, however, want this. I continually had to set him strait, in the end leading to his new relationship.

And yes, he has assumed financial responsibility, once the test (of course) came back positive and I asked. He actually sent me what I asked for the same day. I do not doubt he will take certain responsibilities but I do feel like his (honest) stupidity is off the charts. He truly feels like she is so damn important to him and he wants to get the seriousness of it established Asap that he is completely thinking with his dick and putting his baby on the back burner. It is crazy and exhausting to me that this is how the moron really is thinking, that I am being unreasonable and just jealous. Disregarding the fact that I refused to be with him several times before he moved on! I just dont know how to confront this. I already tried telling him and he is placing blame on me and attributing it to envy. I have considered talking to his mum(her house we will meet) so someone can talk some sense into him, would that be strange? Also, my oldest sister lives in the same city. We are going to see her (she will then see both nephews)and thought I would be kind and take him to see his Grandparents. I know how much my Mom loves him, thought his other Grandma would feel the same.

Right, but he was going to move in and help with the baby both financially and logistically - and then got a new girlfriend and started bleating about paternity tests and avoiding you. That's a dumping, in my book, even if it's not a standard relationship.

Anyway, the point is that having behaved the way he has, it's up to him to make the effort now, not you. Why would you travel across the country with a newborn? He's never even bothered to come and meet his son, and yet here you are making all this effort to get a relationship started because you think that he's only distant because of the girlfriend. It sounds to me as if you're in denial about who he is, and blaming the girlfriend for his utterly selfish, mean actions to date.

Your right. This is what my family says too. I suppose its hard to think otherwise with my son at the expense of it all. I will be going to see my sister, regardless. Perhaps I will just make him come to me at her place if he feels so inclined(alone). Ya think speaking with his mum would make a bit of difference?

you say family is important to him and it's a small town.

i think he wants a performance for his family and the grape vine that he's a great guy, it's fine that he's left his wife and knocked up the ow and is now with another woman, heck look we're all sat down together for dinner.

this isn't about her, you or the baby - he's thinking purely of himself and how he looks imo.

sorry. i wouldn't go, probably too early and first meeting should be him coming to the baby's home, seeing it in it's environment/routine etc, getting a real grasp of things and one on one (with you around) time with his child. not a performance for family and a 'special' occasion. this needs to be real.

x posted. yes i think maybe letting him come to you sisters (as you're going anyway) on his own for short visits would be the better way.

Btw, he is only distant because of his gf. Unfortunately, he is not smart enough to realize this. Yes, it is a major reflection on him, but is the truth, none the less.

you might want to rethink that idea.

Your son is not nearly old enough to know if he is actually meeting his father, and/or his father's side of the family, so don't tax yourself. Take your time making the decisions regarding when and where the interactions will take place. Do not feel pressured to comply/work with with any opinion other than your own, and maybe consider the opinions of close family if you need guidance. Do not use the excuse that your son NEEDS to meet his father or paternal side of the family right NOW, because the truth is, your child is happy if YOU are happy. Also, there is no need to take his current girlfriend seriously or worry about her place in you and your son's lives, and certainly not as any kind of threat, as he is clearly impulsive in his decisions about women, and maybe even confused about his relationship goals in general. Maybe hard to hear, but most likely, she is not even the least bit interested in meeting your son, but more interested in saying that she is, in order to impress him and his family. Eliminate the drama altogether and give him the option of meeting his son one on one. This is a very reasonable request that should absolutely not confuse him. If he acts confused, or "put-off" by that idea, he is obviously interested in playing games- which I would assume you do not have time for, or interest in. If he wants to meet his son, he will leave his girlfriend at home. It is definitely not too much to ask of him, and don't let him- or your apprehension- convince you otherwise.

IMO he is not only distant because of his gf (unless she has mind powers or she flashes her 22 year old boobs at him to alter his decision making process and actually physically stops him from going anywhere near his newborn son ), he has made the choice to be distant, he is 30 years old. Sure she can be whiney and make comments about how exciting it would be for her to show how great she is at being a part time mummy to a cute lil baby but essentially he is choosing his distance, he is choosing how to play his role as a father. He is a prick. Everything needs to be around the routine of you and your son and how happy you both are, that is not being sellfish that is being a mother and putting your baby boy first, anyone who says otherwise is a moron.

Thank you for all your advise ladies. I think I will have him come to me at my sisters. I am thinking about just going through the court as well. That way I am just not bothered with his shit exhausting me all the time as well. We will see what happens and how many (if any) visits (alone) he pays our son.