to think my DH is complaining to the WRONG person when he says he is sick of having no time to himself when we have a toddler and a newborn?

[Bumperlicious]

DH just complained that he has no time for himself at the moment. Now I understand that, I really do, but I think he is complaining to the WRONG person. It has been 4 weeks since I managed to eat a meal without either holding the baby or with a background of yowling. Any time that isn't spend feeding or holding the baby is spent sleeping, showering or eating, or looking after DD1 (3), so just the bare minimum.

I'm awake doing night feeds every night, near constant feeding during the day. Yes, DH is on the sofa at night but at least he usually gets a full nights sleep and doesn't get woken up by a baby howling for food which is going to hurt .

DH is great, he has near limitless patience with DD1 who is really testing it at the moment. He is doing all the housework and sorting DD1 out, and taking DD2 when I am having a meltdown, which is hard when she is yelling for food and he can't pacify her. Yes he works, but in a lovely library so hardly a taxing job, he gets to poo and have cups of tea in peace there. He has the evenings when I am feeding DD2, and he has Tuesday mornings off, which I say don't spend the whole time doing housework.

He isn't being unreasonable wanting me time. I want me time too, to be able to just do something frivilous for myself. We both really need time to ourselves and before DD2 came along we were good at giving each other that time, now it's gone. But I'm afraid I have little sympathy when I literally have no time to myself, half the time I go to the toilet with DD2 in the sling and DD1 following me. He is not being unreasonable wanting some time to himself, but I think he is being unreasonable complaining to me! Him complaining to me is like complaining to someone who has just broken their leg that you have a splinter!

Just venting on here because if I start telling him this in RL I am going to have a few choice words about the matter, and it really isn't worth falling out over.

YADNBU

And I think you need a big hug too!

Oh and also reminded that this bit dosen't last very long as its easy to forget when a baby always knows just the right time to cry iykwim

Not worth falling out about, but also not worth the bad feeling that can result if you don't share your thoughts.

I think you should show him your post- you have been very fair to him and have fully acknowledged that he deserves some 'me time'. He now needs to acknowledge that your life is not in any way easier than his!

I do hope things improve for both of you soon. DO you have any family or friends that could help you out, maybe take DD1 for a morning or something?

YANBU.

It's so easy to fall into "competetive knackered" rows. You are doing the right thing by not rising to the bait - I do not have your restraint I'm afraid, and end up being sarcastic when my DH does this.

"poor you - must be awful to be so tired... I just can't imagine!" (I snarl)

I'm sure he is entitled to sound off - but not to you, I agree.

I think you both have to realise that with a 4 week old baby and a toddler you are in BOOT CAMP LAND for a few weeks at least; You just have to suck it up becuase there will be more time for you both but not just yet, times between feeds will get long, stretches of sleep will get bigger and you will both feel that you are getting more time.

It's good you have come on here to vent and I would be a fed up as you, to think of it I was you a few years back! But try and cut each other a bit of slack and not get into the pointless game playing of 'I am more tired that you etc' it helps no one. Be sympathetic a little bit, sometime a just a tad of acknowledgement helps but if he keeps banging on about it tell him to shut up.

Could you have a bit of family fun time, even just a trip Costa and the swings, try and enjoy some FAMILY TIME out the house? I think we can all get caught up in the sheer graft of family life that we forget to stop and enjoy it, to stop laugh and smile iyswim.

You have a tough old job on your hands but you can do it!

oh for goodness sake - I think you have both earnt the right to complain as much as you both need to and if somehow it could be to just get some empathy from the other person rather than a competition, then it will make you both feel better.

I bet he isn't asking you to do anything about it, he's 'just saying'. Like you should be able to say something to him too and he could respond with 'yes i know, it's foul isn't it?' kind of thing.

My DH refuses to let me moan about things and always takes it personally which just drives me mad and makes me resent him for it. He's perhaps just using you as a bit of moral support just as you would your girlfriends. How lovely he feels that he can be honest with you.

He should in return repay the favour by letting you sound off too....

I remember being there - new baby and 2yr 2mth old. Now one is nearly 4 and one is 1 and 9 mth.....it all settles down, another couple of months and your baby will eat less and sleep more.

Keep going, you sound like a great mum, and a lovely dad.

Moan away on here!!

Gad, men are sometimes so annoying! They all want hobbies....

I know I know, he doesn't expect me to do anything. But I can't help but feel guilt that I am not doing enough. It's my default response so I get defensive.

He knows how much I do etc it's just when he says that & I have been up for hours at might I just want to throw things at him.

I did try & be sympathetic & told him we need to adjust our expectations of me time at the moment. I'm grateful for 10 mins in the shower or 5 mins doing crochet.

Yes. Going to the loo on your own might be a while...(still have an entourage!)...I do get a hot cup of tea now though!

Just agree with him - yes it is grim that WE don't get any time to ourselves....

Honestly a little bit longer and things will ease a bit....

I feel for you I really do! (was thinking of third but you may have reminded me of why not!!!)

YANBU. I recall how knackering it was when I had a newborn and a 20 month old, bringing them up alone. That came back to me very sharply on Friday when the man in my life emailed me from work, saying "I've had a horrendously busy week covering someone else's job as well as my own".

He's a boyfriend, not a partner. I still live alone with my two daughters, not having had any help from their father since they were babes (well, not even then tbh).

So, I replied with, "I've had a horrendously busy 15 and a half years, covering someone else's job as well as my own.".

Let's hope that your husband and my man both develope a rapid sense of perspective and relativity. :o

** Let's hope I develop an ability to spell too.

Don't hold your breath though...

If he works he gets tea breaks/lunch breaks= 'me' time . I used to remind my DP of this when DS was little 'you get to eat your lunch, don't you? without someone else trying to grab it?'

Lol Valhalla!

To be fair pre dd2 we shared care of dd1 & both worked part time so he knows being at home is usually harder. We are just both knackered & a bit shell shocked at having our life turned upside down again!