To be fuming with my husband

[Shaddapayaface]

He's given up smoking, several times. He always ends up reverting back to type though and every time I catch him out he lies, he's even swore on the kids lives before now that he hasn't had a fag, then I find out he has.
Im so bothered about the smoking, its the way he blatantly lies to my face and has zero respect for me to do this.
AIBU to think our marriage isnt worth the paper its written on?

YABU. What are you doing to support him trying?

he shouldn't lie. i would be angry about that aswell but perhaps he feels you will be angrier if you find out he has smoked. are you putting alot of pressure on him? does he decide to quit himself or do you ask him?

the lying would bother me a lot so YANBU to be angry with him about that.

Did he smoke when you met him? Does he actually want to give up or are you trying to get him to?

Oh over the past few years- attended about twenty different appointments at different clinics, paid for him to have hypnotherapy, bought him all the 'give up smoking' books on the market.
I think I also mentioned anyway its the lying to my face thats the issue not the smoking, before I am pointed out to be some kind of unsupportive witch

I think YANBU to be annoyed at him lieing to you about it.

Could you have a chat with him and come to an agreement that if he does slip back into smoking when he attempts to quit that you will listen to him and not get upset or angry if he does have a slip up and keep supporting him. That way he can be honest with you, and hopefully a little slip up will not stop him from trying to quit as he is hiding it away with no one to keep him strong about keeping trying?

Any addiction is hard to break. Maybe he needs to be honest about smoking, as the lieing does wear you down, and you need to just sit and wait untill he is truely ready to quit. He will never quit untill he is really ready and wants to do it for himself.

you said in your OP "i am so bothered by the smoking" so is the smoking an issue or not?n ad if you have bought so many books and paid for hynoptherapy, i am inclined to think the smoking is a problem for you.

you have to accept that HE has to want to give up.

Doesn't look like he does.

Golden rule of life. Anybody that swears on the life of another is ALWAYS lying.

Was a typo should have said NOT SO bothered about smoking.

I do have a problem with smoking in that one of his friends died of lung cancer leaving two kids alone, hes already had a life threatening illness as it is.

I just think lying to someones face= severe lack of respect for that person.

you're right it does and as i said. i would be really upset and angry about that but why is he lying? what response does he get from you when he tries to quit and fails? (i am not for one second saying your response is justification for him lying i just get th eimpression that there is a lot of pressure from you and maybe he is afraid of your reaction that he has failed to quit.)

Maybe he lies because of how you react to his smoking again? Just a thought.

Yanbu - the few times dp has lied to me and I've caught him I've gone absolutely ballistic.it's definitly about respect, when you know someone so well and you know they're lying you feel lie they think you've got 'mug' written all over your head!

Let me elaborate. You say that his lying shows a severe lack of respect. But surely saying that he reverts to "type" and stating your marriage is not worth the paper it's written also demonstrate a lack of respect? This isn't about who started what first. You both seem to be at it.

my friend managed it on a drug called something like Shampix along with classes. Has he tried that?

Let me just tell you a little something about my DH. The other day when he was about to start back at work his sister was on at him have you asked your GP? He hadnt so said to her 'yeh I have'. I asked him why he felt the need to lie and he says for an easy life. He lies a lot more lately and its starting to upset me.
I dont go off on one if he admits to smoking (i.e states to me oh by the way ive had some fags today) but it does make me mad when I know he's been smoking and insists to my face he hasnt, calls me mental, im imagining it etc. He has lied so much about various things lately its really hurting

Tell him that his smoking is now his business and you are not going to police it any more (though you would not be unreasonable to say that he must not smoke in the house).
It's not up to you to control his smoking. You are not his owner.
If you just let it go, then the stress will disappear.

Thats true but he has lied about other really stupid things. I feel like he can't think very much of me to keep mugging me off all the while even over really stupid things.

shappapayaface, he sounds like my EXP and his dad. lies rolled off their tongues so easy (and still do although not my problem now). even for ridiculous things that would have no consequence either way. i cant think of examples akthough there were many. tbh i couldn't believe him no matter what he said. lies were almost 1st nature to him, they came so easy and he had no conscious about it. no guilt and no understanding why it was a problem if only a little lie. as much as we talked and he agreeed that he would always tell me the truth he just couldn't help himself lying. it was easier for him.

Good call Solid!

OP, you are not his mother, let it go. If you stop thinking for him, perhaps he'll start doing some thinking for himself.

I feel your pain.

Theseand- he lied to his fecking sister who he hardly sees- he has lied to his mum right in front of my face...maybe its not to do with people quizing or lecturing him but maybe he is a bit gutless or pathetic?

shaddapayaface, gutless is right.

you have to disengage, he lies, it's up to him.

If you get over involved you'll end up losing all respect for him. no going back then.

I think I have. I just dunno what to do next.