to hate the way DD1....

[macdoodle]

treats DD2 :(
DD1 is 9, DD2 is almost 3. I am a single parent, me and DD1 went through a tough time with XH, we are very close, she is usually/normally a lovely bright girl.

But she treats her sister horribly, teases her mercilessly, torments her till she cries/tantrums, ignores her, runs away from her, fights with her constantly over the TV/toys etc (everything is DD1's and DD2 cant touch/play etc - this mroning they almost came to physical blows over a SMALL pot of playdough). DD2 absolutely adores and worships her, I hate it. The worst of it is the way she talks to/about her, sneers at her, looks at her :(

It breaks my heart. Tonight I lost the plot completely. DD2 is asleeep, DD1 and I have had a talk, she is crying, she doesnt understand what she has done wrong, or why I am so angry and disappointed. I am really hurt/angry, I dont know how to handle it.

I was so looking forward to having a week off spending it with both my girls, am now just dreading a week of constant bickering and fighting. I expect a lot of DD1, she is a very mature, grown up girl, and I expect her to help me.

I think this is more than just normal sibling behaviour, DD1 acts like a toddler herself not a 9yr old. I dont particularly like her tonight TBH, :(

To clarify, she acts like a toddler when she is interacting with DD2. The rest of the time she is a lovely, bright, grown up, helpful, girl.

Do you think she is jealous? She has had 6 years of it being you and her before you had another baby.

I think I would sit down and talk to her about how much you love her, that having another DD doesn't mean that you love her less. Tell her how much her sister adores her.

I would also tell her that her behaviour has got to change, that it is unacceptable to treat her baby sister unkindly. if she is nasty to the baby, then there will be no pocket money, for example.

I would also make sure that the younger child has toys that are just hers, rather than DD1s and I would spend time with them individually as well as together, so that they both get your undivided attention at times.

This is a phase. It will get better.

Yabu to expect her to help you, she's a child. She's probably acting like a kid because itsound like a large portion of her childhood was taken up with your difficult relationship with her dad ( I assume it was a pretty nasty divorce). And now her little sister is having a easier time of it emotionally that perhaps what she had.
You need to include her I think, rather than treat her like a second parent. Is she good at certain things like drawing or dancing? Perhaps you could arrange an activity that they can do together.
Does she have any special time? Like a dancing club/sports etc that she can be encouraged and praise in?

My DD1 is 9 and DD2 is 10 months, and thankfully DD1 has never been anything but lovely with DD2.

Has your DD1 always been like this with her? Or is it just that a three year old can be...how can I say it? Trying? and she doesn't know that she has to gently distract her from doing 'naughty' stuff? And perhaps treats her like she would another 9 YO at school who's behaving like that.

Like yours, mine's bright, grown up and helpful, but she can still act like a bloody toddler at times and I wonder if some of it is that I'm obviously treating them both differently and expect more from her, she accepts I'm not going to 'baby' a 9 YO, but is still a little bit sad that it's not her who's my baby now.

I understand where you are coming from - my DS9 is really horrible to ds5 but is so sweet to his ds3 - I cant work it out.

They have had no trauma or upset in their lives i think it is pure and simple jealousy.

I think all you can do it correct it and try and spend some time with DD1 - real quality time where you just listen to her and take her somewhere and dont mention DD2.

YANBU to wish that she was nicer to her sister but YABU to expect her to help you with DD2. DD2 is your responsibility not hers.

When I say help, I dont mean childcare
Tonight I asked her to entertain her for 10mins while I put made all the beds (I had stripped all the beds this morning). DD2 went and got a puzzle from the playroon, I aksed DD1 to do it with her while I quickly did the beds. She sat sneering at her on the sette, while DD2 stood in front of her holding the puzzle saying "please X, please X", more and more sadly till she burst into tears :( I dont think that was an unreasonable request,I wasnt expecting full on child care just do a puzzle with her for 10 mins, I think DD1's attitude was horrid and she was really mean to DD2 :(

I do try and spend time just with DD1, but not always easy as a single, working parent with a smaller child. We usually have an hour or so in the evening after DD2 has gone to bed which is "our time". She does her own activities and has friends over a lot. TBH her friends are nicer to DD2 than she is.

Yes DD2 can be "trying", she is a toddler, but she is quite a sweet little girl, she adores her sister, but DD1 seems to hate her.

How awful for your DD2 who is not even three yet. I absolutely would not tolerate this behaviour if my DD2 treated DD1 like this. Of course they do have their moments as all siblings do but it sounds as though your DD2 is positively nasty to her sister and it's up to you to put a stop to it.

It sounds really frustrating, mac - but can you clarify what you mean by 'I expect her to help me'?

May not bear any relation to your situation, but when I was a bit younger than your DD1 my sister was virtually incontinent (she was ill) and I remember my parents used to get me to clean up her bed every morning which stank of wee. I'm sure they just saw it as 'eldest DD helping out, taking responsibility' but I loathed it and it made me behave quite badly to my innocent DSis

Also, when you say DD2 adores her, etc, I'm sure it's true, but is there anything specific DD2 does that gets on her nerves? Like stuff that might appear cute to you but might try a 9yo? I.e., playing with her toys, trying to join in with DD1's friends, etc.

This might not be helpful at all, but I had a terrible relationship with my sister for years and looking back, I really still think that my parents could've handled it a lot better by making me feel listened to and not making me do 'stuff to help' that was pretty humiliating and essentially a parent's job.

/off-topic rant over/ :)

sorry, xpost!

yabu

it sounds as though you need to come to terms with being a single parent
your situation should not shape dd1's childhood
she isn;t your friend or partner

you have no reason to be hurt by anything she has done
disappointed
harried
exhausted yes

hurt no

sorry also mature and grown up......she's 9

I expect all my kids to help out. Even my two year old helps out with the baby by getting me things like nappies or sharing with him etc.. I don't think it is unreasonable to expect a 9 year old to help out with her sister. A family is about helping each other out not just everyone doing their own thing.

I understand why you feel hurt too. Kids are funny and their relationships with each other can be funny too. My dd2 gives ds17 an

awful time and screeches at him even though he adores her. myds17months is so attached to his dad that he screeches at me when I go over to him.

Your dd1 is taking things out on dd2. There are obviously things that she is not expressing very well. It is hard watching two of your children where one is being hurtful and mean to another especially when the other one obviously adores her.

i wouldn't tolerate it tbh. I think you need to let her know when she is being unkind and ask her how she would feel if you or someone she looked up to and loved treated her this way.

She probably will grow out of it and when will feel really guilty when she is older and be really nice to her then.

I have been having the same issues with my two (DS is 12, DD 8) for ages - DS is often horrible to her, sneers at everything she says, tells her she's stupid, puts her down at every opportunity. He's had tendencies this way since she was a toddler - maybe he did have too long as an only child before she came along - but it has been worse the last few years. Possibly partly due to DH's death four years ago, but possibly also the older and more competent DD gets, the more threatened he feels - they are both very bright and good at academic things, but he has never been very coordinated, so she is better than him at some things like art and swimming.

But - a ray of hope - it has been improving the last month or so, and this week he has actually been nice to her all week (even gave her all his old lego for her birthday, and played with it with her for a while, helped her with maths, and so on). Don't know how long it will last, but it makes the atmosphere at home so much better....

It might be just that it can improve with age, though you hear of teenagers being horrible to siblings. I'm wondering if it's because he is currently really engaged and enjoying school, so doesn't have so many frustrations to take out on her and doesn't feel threatened by her. I would guess your older one is probably mainly reacting to the family upheaval, but if there was an area of her life where she felt really happy, secure and successful (school, some activity?) it might improve her attitude. Does she get any one-on-one time with you? I have also found things improve if I make a real effort to spend individual time with DS, which I know is not always easy as a single parent.

I would ask at school if there is a counsellor your dd1 can see. It's probably much more to do with the break up of your marriage, the nastiness etc. She's expressing herself in this way because she can because your dd2 is smaller and vulnerable.

I've had a nightmare with my eldest being unkind to the younger ones due to similar problems, I wish I had sought help for us sooner. My eldest is very very jealous because she sees that they have something she never had type of thing.

I would also read "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so..." and the accompanying book "Siblings without rivalry" as they are good at helping you not fall into the trap of labelling, trying to be fair at any cost, letting your eldest verbalise all that she hates about her sister etc

I think she may have internalised some of what you all went through with your XH. Maybe finding some way to let her get that out of her system might work?

At the same time, helping out is not a bit unreasonable. Where I think you might be a bit unwise though, is having her help with the little sister. Why not have her do her own bed at least? Chores around the house are a great way to allow a 9 year old to develop a bit of competence, confidence, and self-esteem. The child's performance can be measured and rewarded in some small way with chores, whereas taking care of a sibling can't really be tracked in this way and actually lends itself to the kind of antagonistic behaviour that you have seen. The promise that soon she might be old enough to babysit for money for neighbours might improve her approach too.

And some special time alone with you might be very beneficial for her.

I feel wrung out now :(
Dd1 and I have had a talk, she isnt sure why she behaves like that, I have said maybe I expect too much of her, but its because she is so marvellous that I do, we have both apologised and agreed to enjoy our week off together.
DD2 just woke up and called downstairs, DD1 went up and I can hear them giggling and laughing together :) So maybe she did hear what I said, at least she is making an effort.
Thank you all for your advice/thoughts, I know I expect too much of her, and can be hard on her, we are close, we went through a lot. We have had a course of fairly intense counselling about a year ago which did help but was very heavy, I think we need to try and move on.

Those books are really good and it talks about what a positive affect it has on behaviour when children are allowed to voice how much they hate their siblings. Perhaps another time you should ask her what she finds annoying about her little sister and you can mumble your understanding and sympathise with her point of view.

They're not sure exactly why this works but presumably because their feeling are validated they are actually free from internalising and hiding them which then leaks out in unkind behaviour?