To fear my SIL doesn't like me cos I'm not a SAHM?

[RevoltingPeasant]

First AIBU, so be nice :)

DP & I have been together a couple years. I get on with IL fine (tho' not close as they live a few hours away). Last year SIL had her first DC, became a SAHM, and ever since, has been kinda weird with me. Small stuff, but am I paranoid??

Like: before the birth, SIL told DP they were definitely having a girl. Later I said to her, 'So, a girl, great!' She didn't answer but gave her DH a Significant Look and then mumbled, 'Possibly.'

The first time they came to stay with us after the birth, we took them for lunch at a baby-friendly place. SIL was sat next to me, but bolted her food looking straight ahead and then turned her back on me to talk to a mum at another table who was also there with her DC.

I'm not a mum yet, although I hope to be nagDPendlessly Am kind of worried that she has totally disengaged from me because I'm not :( This is exacerbated by the fact that MIL and SIL are both SAHMs and I am always afraid they will think I'm EvilChildlessCareerBitch.

So, er, when you become a mum: is it normal suddenly not to want to bond with/ talk to other women without children??

No, it's not normal, but some people go weird and judgey when they first become parents. My sils were quite threatened by the fact that I didn't make the same life decisions as them, and one was v strange about things

Thanks dibbler :)

Yeah there was a bit of angst over her becoming a SAHM cos (apparently) that's not what she originally agreed with her DH. Kind of wonder if she feels defensive...

no, it isn't normal.

no idea what's going on. To her, you may well now be "my child's aunt" rather than Revolting Peasant. Can you find a way to bond with her children and win auntie points? If praising the children appropriately (ie after some careful observation so it sounds credible)and subtly suggesting you think she is a great parent doesn't work, nothing will.

good luck

PS it's possible that the disclosure about having a girl shouldn't have been made and that it was more of an issue between the couple than an issue with you.

Cheers lingle.

Yeah, I've tried talking to her about DCs (no. 2 on way) but she doesn't like that either.

E.g., said once, 'It must be great getting to see DD doing things for the first time, like first smile, etc. Are you excited about when she can walk?' (she was cruising).

SIL (snappishly): 'I'm not into milestones, every day is magical.'

Me: sorry...

Sounds like there is more to it.

I think she may be upset with you over something else entirely.

First, it sounds to me like the original "Possibly" comment sounds like she had agreed with her dh not to tell anyone the sex and he blabbed and she was giving him daggers for letting the cat out of the bag!

Other than that, unless you are the sort who goes around saying "Oh SIL, I don't know how you stay at home, that would drive me mad, what do you do all day?" I can't see why she is being such a cow to you!

With me, I felt it was the other way round, I already had dc's and I felt that my SIL didn't really see me as "friend material" until she had dc's or her own. But, having said that, she was always nice to me!

oh dear.

ok, have you considered playing your joker:

have you confided to her that you really really want children, hope it will happen but sometimes fear it won't.

If she refuses to bond over that, then, as they say in Jaws when they first realise how big and mean the shark is "we're going to need a bigger boat".

Thanks lingle... I'm not so close to her that I can really confide personal stuff like that (cos it does involve her BIL whom she knew before she knew me).

LOL chipmonkey I am a dippy academic but not THAT lacking in social skills :) tbh I generally don't talk about work as what I do is quite specialised boring-- and I think other ppl will just switch off.

I think I might need that bigger boat, eh.

So, she repeatedly snaps at you and generally rejects your friendly overtures. And you are worried about how you can get her to like you?

Life is too short! You know you have done nothing wrong. If people aren't nice to me, then I'm not going to waste my time trying to make friends with them.

RP - great name btw - it sounds to me like she has soooo many issues.

Have you tried talking to your DP about it? What does he think?

how does she get on with your MIL? and the rest of your family?

I'd be nice to her when she's around, extend a couple of invites to things (so famiy can't say you've not tried but which you fully expect her to decline) and maintain the moral highground.

Sounds a bit odd to me.

How do you get on with your niece?

Do you feel like you can be a good auntie to her?

What does your DP say?

She probably doesn't like you.

My SIL and I have a lot more to talk about since I had children.

Before, she didn't appear not to like me, we just had very little in common. At least now we can talk about kids.

We dont have terribly different phiosophies either on dicipline, childcare etc so we dont clash, I think she quite rates me as a parent (she's said "that's a technique I definitely need to try" then I'd see her use it the next day on her toddler etc)

Who knows, you might find a common ground one day, but blehrrghhh to her for not warming to you anyway - you sound nice - who knows - but it sounds like she's a cold fish. Move on, treat it as a bonus if she ever warms up a bit!

My SIL didn't like each other at all until she moved to the other side or Europe, now we're great friends.

(They moved for work, of course, not cuz of our mutual distain for each other)

Now we hardly see each other we keep in regular contact via email and miss each other. Is odd how things change. Hopefully OP your SIL and you will develop a good relationship. It took SIL and I 9 years to develop this bond.