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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that behind every lazy man/woman are parents...

16 replies

redweathergirl · 22/10/2010 07:41

who did everything for them.

I was reading another thread about a partner who doesn't pull his weight and it got me thinking about my DH.

There is definately no 50/50 in this house despite how much I have tried to make it so. He will make the effort for a while but it never lasts.

I do the shopping, washing, ironing, cooking and the cleaning. My DH sometimes does the dishes.

I have been so fed up in the past I've even drawn up a timetable. It did not work for long.

I blame my DH for being an inconsiderate so and so, I blame myself for not being tough enough to just leave things for days and for caving in and doing it in the end, but I also really blame his mother/father for doing everything for their children (his sisters are exactly the same).

I am still flabberghast when SIL asks her Dad to get up from the table and get her a drink and he does it. That is after he has cooked the meal, served up and then washes up the dishes after.

Weird as they share their housework, but have brought up their children to think they don't have to lift a finger and will intefere to the extent that you'd think their kids were about 12 and incapable of making any decision without them.

Sorry bit of a rant this.

OP posts:

Tortington · 22/10/2010 07:46

yep. is the parents fault.

proudnscary · 22/10/2010 07:49

Lots of posters will say he's a knob, you need to kick him up the arse, go on strike, give him an ultimatum blah blah but as you say this hasn't worked. And this issue will eat you up with bitterness and resentment.

I believe in playing to someone strengths. Write a list (on your own, not with him) of all the things he does do, not just domestic or DIY stuff, everything.

Look at it. Does it, in the bigger picture sense, balance out? If so, for the sake of your relationship accept his weakness and remind yourself of what he does do.

If not, well you have some tough questions and conversations ahead and the balance needs to be addressed.

My husband is a domestic miracle and does everything round the house, cooks and cleans, plus the DIY and, yes, it is because his parents taught him to do this and most certainly taught him it was not women's work.

mistletoekisses · 22/10/2010 07:50

YABU!

Behind every lazy person is choice, their choice. Your DH and SIL's have decided at some point that their behaviour is acceptable. Don't blame the parents.

If your DH is a lazy toe rag, it's because he cant be bothered!

proudnscary · 22/10/2010 07:51

(so yes in short it is the parents' fault, but it's your problem to deal with now)

onceamai · 22/10/2010 07:52

Yep exactly the same here. The worm has turned now though and when MIL starts jumping up and down from the table she's asked to sit back down again. Even better when the SILS and BILS roll up for a cheap stay in England no longer do I wait on them hand and foot. They are asked now to clear the table and help carry in shopping.

AuntiePickleBottom · 22/10/2010 08:01

my brother's didn't do any housework when we was children, but his flat is spotless

eldritch · 22/10/2010 09:39

YANBU - my MIL waited hand and foot on my DH and SIL and it's done them no favours at all. When I first visited her house, I helped clear up after dinner and asked how to switch the dishwasher on - neither DH nor his sister knew - in a house where they had both lived for the first 20 years of their lives! (and the same dishwasher for at least 10 years so no excuse there). They had just never been asked to load the dishwasher, ever. I was

Itsjustafleshwound · 22/10/2010 09:48

My MIL did everything for her children and generally my BILs and my DH have no idea or any concept of what needs to be done to keep a house going. Sop I agree that often it is monkey see monkey do (they are use to getting away with doing nothing)

I have a choice: I can just grit my teeth, hate my MIL and build up resentment towards my 'useless' DH and do it myself.

The best way around it for me has been to stop hectoring and making this a big issue. It does bug me, but then I make sure he picks up other tasks - give him a list to do the shopping, make him run the kids around on the weekend. Or, if it really is untenable, get him to pay for a cleaner/ironing service/ window cleaner in lieu of him having to do it himself. My DH HATES spending his cash and it galvanises him into action ...

I suppose it is just finding the right buttons to push and make it 'his' issue as DH doesn't care to notice if I start acting like the housework martyr

ForMashGetSmash · 22/10/2010 09:58

I had to completely re-train my DH after MIL gave him the impression that men don't need to do anything other than sit and consume.

She tidies up like a saddo after her DH and my DH ws like a kid when I inherited him from her. He's not any more....

arses · 22/10/2010 09:58

I'm a lazy person. My mother was too, so consequently my standards of house cleaning are not as high as other people's: basic hygiene and living areas kept just about okayish, rest of the house a bit rubbish (piles of clothing, clutter etc.. not filth, but not tidiness).

Dh was brought up in a much tidier house, but never had to do anything. His mum still tries to pack his luggage if we stay at hers!

Mainly, for me.. it is a choice. I clean downstairs once a week, maintain most days.. but when it comes to the big jobs that you do seasonally, I can't be faffed.

I keep telling myself I will change.. just don't know how or what would induce that change.

BoffinMum · 22/10/2010 10:02

Arses, the world won't end if you don't do these thimgs. If you really minded, you would find a way. So I don't think it's worth bothering about.

Mssoul · 22/10/2010 10:07

He is being inconsiderate and thoughtless, traits he may have learned as a childhood, but he's a big boy now!

I have brothers, one who does everything for at home, another whose dw does everything. In our house, I tend to avoid chores unless absolutely necessary (like arses, grew up with a Mum who didn't attach much importance to the domestic - wonderful strong woman who felt that changing the world was more important ) and dp can't stand mess, so does chores when he is on back shift and I'm at work. I feel a bit guilty he does so much, but I do the budget and cooking and look after kids mostly, so I think it's fair.

Mssoul · 22/10/2010 10:10

in his childhood
everything at home

FGS, I should probably go and attend to the child who is climbing on me! Dora aint cutting it any more

PaulineMole · 22/10/2010 10:13

what arses said. I was not brought up in a house where things were done for me, rather they were just not done at all. When I left home it took a while for me to learn how to "see dirt" in the same way others do .

MIL on the other hand is a bit of a clean freak, and so DH, BIL and SIL had to pitch in to keep up the show home standards.

TrillianSlasher · 22/10/2010 10:13

Once you are past a certain age I think 'my parents did x' stops being an excuse for anything very much (excluding actual abuse of course). Your DH could choose to be less crap around the house. It will be harder for him than for people who have helped around the house since the age of 3, but it is not impossible.

loveulotslikejellytots · 22/10/2010 10:56

I was brought up to do what you could for your age. 4-5 you can carry things into the kitchen after dinner. 5-6 help dry up smaller things. 7-8 our rooms were ours to keep tidy. And as I got older I was helping my Mum do the washing and ironing (it was a bit of anovelty then!) and by the time I was 12 I could cook a meal for the whole family. My brothers can do these things but choose not to.

Dh was waited on hand and foot as a child even up to the stage where MIl was still making his packed lunch when he started working. Even when he moved out and got his own house, MIL would come round and take his washing, change his bed sheets and even come round every afternoon to make his bed!!!!

DH would do everything else around the house - housework wise, and I have probably picked up the things his Mum used to do, (it was painful the first time I saw him trying to change the duvet cover), like the washing. But apart from that we split things 50-50. The housework, washing and bills are my domain, he takes care of the garden, cars, cleaning the bathroom and hoovering (the bits of housework he enjoys!).

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