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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

while we're talking about presents...

23 replies

DialMforMother · 21/10/2010 18:56

...And at the risk of being flamed for being such a grasping bitch...

Mil and fil have bought not a sausage for dd (5 months) since her birth. Not a teddy bear, not a baby gro, not a little hat with bear ears on it; nada.

I suspect that at Christmas she will be 'too young to need anything'. (which she is, in fairnes although she does love her toys and soft books) but I'm wondering what, if anything, I should say as, really this is quite odd behaviour (they are very very far from poor btw).

Any ideas? The more avant garde the better. :)

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 21/10/2010 19:01

Don't say anything

Will only end badly

pranma · 21/10/2010 19:04

Send them a photograph of dd wearing babygro from your mum,lying on blanket hand knitted by your great aunt Agatha.Beside dd there should be at least 12 cuddly toys from friends and relations and perhaps a wicker basket full of toiletries from the neighbours!Itemise thes things in the accompanying note and say how much you enjoy showing said photo and expressing gratitude for generosity,suggest they show their copy round their family and friends Grin

Giddyup · 21/10/2010 19:05

PIL usually have god awful taste anyway, DD is probably better off without! [hgrin]

SeaTrek · 21/10/2010 19:07

I agree with rubyslippers.

They probably think you already have far too much of that kind of thing (bears/clothes). They may well be extremely generous towards her in the longrun.

MadamDeathstare · 21/10/2010 19:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

onceamai · 21/10/2010 19:08

I can understand how you feel. My PILs have always handed over a very very generous family cheque, from which I buy and wrap and write gift tags for the children(and I suspect DH gets secret handouts) but they have never bought the children a thing - not even a book or a box of pencils for a fiver and wrapped it up and put it under the tree and it annoys me. It shouldn't I know but it does. There just seems to be no joy in giving or pleasure in their faces lighting up.

They stay (or did - FIL died two years ago) every Christmas and have never been up for the present unwrapping even though I have always made the dc's wait until after breakfast - they have their stockings early - I'm not that mean.

SmellsLikeTeenSweat · 21/10/2010 19:10

Talking of ILS not buying stuff, and grasping bitches, I'm still waiting for PILs to buy the double buggy that they promised when we found out it was twins.

They never did pay for it. Twins are nearly 17.

They, also, are not hard up, yet they have never put so much as a fiver into a savings account for their DGCH. I just don't understand it, it would give me so much pleasure to buy presents/build up savings for a DGCH.

MadamDeathstare · 21/10/2010 19:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SmellsLikeTeenSweat · 21/10/2010 19:13

Not that I'm holding my breath for the buggy. Grin Wouldn't be much use to me now! Just the principle of the thing.

Galena · 21/10/2010 19:15

My parents didn't buy DD anything for a LONG time. (She WAS born at 27 weeks and I guess they were worried she wouldn't survive, but once she was released from hospital I thought there might be something...) Nothing. Mum made her a gift for Christmas, and also made something small for her birthday. They also bought one outfit for her mid-summer.

However, I know they love her, they travel down to see her often, and we've never really been a very 'present-oriented' family.

FIL sends cheques regularly, but has never bought her a present. Again, I know he loves her.

I don't see presents as a measure of love, and I certainly wouldn't pull them up on it.

YABU.

DomesticG0ddess · 21/10/2010 19:28

I wouldn't say anything. But in addition, it wouldn't bother me, not sure why people expect something when a baby is born tbh. MIL is always asking what I need for due-now baby and tell her nothing and to save her money for when he's a bit bigger. Perhaps they have forgotten (older people and memories and all that), or perhaps they posted something and it got lost, in which case they'd ask you I guess.

I would find it odd though if they didn't buy an Xmas present, but I still wouldn't say anything, just not worth it! And wouldn't it be sort of up to your DH to say something anyway?

Original poster
DialMforMother · 21/10/2010 19:40

No I think I'm right in saying they're not saving up for anything big! And yes I think I probably ABU Galena :( it isn't bringing out the best in me at all tbh! It's just irritating: they keep saying 'we haven't got you anything because you've got everything you need' and we really haaven't. Also no-one ever needed a teddy bear or a lovely softbook. So I feel like she's missing out a bit.

OP posts:
Firawla · 21/10/2010 19:44

I don't think there is any way you can say it really, that wouldn't come across as a bit rude. Some people are just not much of present givers maybe? do they buy for others, for eg if they have other dgc have they bought for them and just snubbed your dd with nothing? in that case you may have a more valid point, otherwise I dont think you can really force them to buy gifts if they are not into it. It is a shame, but nothing you can do

Fenouille · 21/10/2010 19:47

I wouldn't say anything either. I have rather the opposite problem. My PIL have a little something for our not-yet-born DC every time we see them (at least twice a month). I don't want our DC to want to go to the GPs because he/she gets presents but because he/she loves them.

As long as they show their love in other ways (playing with, asking after, etc.). That would be odd if they didn't.

mountainmonkey · 21/10/2010 19:50

I wouldn't say anything. They probably just don't know what to buy for babies or think you'll already have everything you need for her. They'll probablly start spoiling her when she's a bit older and they've got to know her well enough to choose things she'd like.

CHST · 21/10/2010 19:54

I know exactly how you feel. Ds are 1 and 4 respectively and my ils never buy anything either. They are their only grandchildren and will only ever be the only grandchildren. MIL even brings things and takes them back home with her. They never even acknowledged DS 2's first birthday yet have travelled the world extensively the past years and like to send bragging circular emails hmm It is disappointing

CrazyPlateLady · 21/10/2010 19:57

YANBU.

I get fed up of my side always doing whatever they can to help out when they probably have less money, yet ILs don't do a thing.

Didn't offer to help with the wedding and I don't just mean money. MIL made us a lovely cake for our engagement and we asked if she could do our wedding cake (we never asked for anything before, or since) she said "no its too much work" this is a woman in her early 50's at the time, no health problems, only working a couple of hours a day towards funding yet more holidays abroad and they wouldn't contribute that 1 thing.

My GPs on the other hand (who can't afford foreign holidays) gave us £1000, bought our wedding cake, made the bridesmaids flowers and loads of other bits and pieces. When I was pregnant with DS, they bought the cotbed and mattress and other bits and peices. ILs bought a baby bath.

It makes me sad and slightly annoyed that there is such a huge gap between the families over what they are willing to do. If I had any money, I would only be too glad to help out with my children/grandchildren. I think thats the difference though. People who have it are tighter than people who don't have much. DH's family are very tight (not just in money ways, but time and willingness to help) and mine are the complete opposite.

Original poster
DialMforMother · 21/10/2010 20:18

Crazyplatelady it's exactly the same situation! My dps are really not well off and I have to ask them not to keep getting her things,knitting her things, cooking for us etc. Whereas pils are younger, better off, have no worries and just aren't interested. Their loss I suppose. I know IAbU which just irks me more!

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CrazyPlateLady · 21/10/2010 20:25

WANBU. I guess we are used to the way we have been brought up which is why we find it odd that others are not as interested as our own families. I kind of expected GPs to be like mine are, but I have realised that many are not. Sad

I feel very lucky to have my GPs and not DH's family.

proudnscary · 21/10/2010 20:31

In all serious, don't say anything. It will open up a world of problems. You can't force people to be and do what you want them to be/do. But you are not being unreasonable.

proudnscary · 21/10/2010 20:31

seriousness that would be

Original poster
DialMforMother · 21/10/2010 20:35

Onceami it's the lack of joy that does me in really - it's like things have to be 'useful' or you have to 'need' them. I find that sad.

SLTS I hope your dcs get their buggy for their 18th. Maybe it's a Bugaboo and they're saving up.

I think it's nice that so many people think that they don't know what to get or are saving up but it's really not that. When dd was 3 days old and we were having difficulty getting out and abbout they came to visit and we asked them to pick up some baby wipes on the way, when they arrived before looking at dd, their first gc, they handed dh the receipt...

OP posts:
Original poster
DialMforMother · 21/10/2010 20:45

I quite like pranma's suggestion. :)

OP posts:
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