to smoke...?

[rdmommy]

i have always smoked except when pregnant and breast feeding. I don't smoke around my dc and only after they have gone for a nap and after they have gone to bed. I smoke outside in the garden.

I really feel like an unfit mother in the eyes of some mumsnetters!

Smoking killed my father at 38. He left behind four children under 7 years old, the youngest only 2 weeks old.

He left a void that was never filled and a wife who couldn't cope with the grief and became dependent on uppers and sleeping pills to get her through the days.

She became a manic depressive and was robbed of all the joy in her life. It ripped our family apart. Sounds ridiculously grim but it is true.

Not sure this is much different from having an obese parent (that's me) - when we risk our health we also risk the future happiness of our kids.

My cousin died last week. Her undetected lung cancer had spread to her spine. She was in so much pain her last few months that she was unable to go through chemotherapy, not that it would have done much more than prolong her life a few more months.

My husband has had cancer (not lung) and successfully treated it with chemo and radiation. Just because these options are available to us does not mean they cure all cancers (lung is not a 'good' one- it can spread easily to nearby organs before it's detected).

If you're okay with your children watching their mother die a slow, painful death that you currently have the option to prevent, then keep on smoking as much as you do. I smoked for a couple of years when I was young. I know it's enjoyable. (obviously! or no one would do it!) But you've got the option and your life ahead of you right now. You need to stop.

And no, it doesn't make you a bad mother. My mother smoked, for most of my childhood. Thankfully, she stopped, probably because she couldn't really afford it anymore. She honestly sounds worlds better than she did when she was still smoking. I think you don't notice the hacking cough until it's gone.

That dig at the McCanns was pure class.

On the bright side, my mother finally gave up smoking when she was 69 after smoking a lot, 20 or 30 a day, for 50 years. She gave up when I was 8 months pg with dd. She knew I wouldn't let her hold newborn dd or have newborn dd in her ashtray of a house, and she did it.

Amazingly, she is still with us now 10 years later, and it looks like she will make it to 80 next year (fingers crossed).

I don't see why being a smoker would necessarily make you a bad parent if you never do it in front of the DCs and only outside the house. If it was a choice between 20 marlboros and nappies and you chose the marlboros, that might be a different story, but in moderation...Jesus, a woman has to be allowed some vices!

I will say this though. I smoked for 14 years and have been given up for 2 years. Even though I still fancy a cigarette every now and again (and even envy some smokers!), I much much prefer being a non-smoker and would definitely recommend quitting to anyone.

Kill yourself early if that's what you what. [shrug] Personally, I'd rather meet my potential grandchildren and maybe a great grandchild or two, far far in the future.

I'd say smoking makes you a bad parent because you are potentially cutting your life short and setting yourself up for a preventable death.

Why as a parent would you jepodise time with your children, and your life for a hit of nicotine?

I gave up 9 days ago and I was really wanting a fag today, until I read this thread!
Of course it doesn't make you an unfit mother, but it is a bit irresponsible, and even if you do it outside on the quiet, the dc will guess what you are up to one day, and will be more likely to smoke themselves when they are older.
That was one of the main reasons I quit, the thought of my ds smoking breaks my heart.

Well done ginnny. Keep going. It gets easier and easier with every day [hgrin].

Well done ginny!

I don't think it makes you a bad mother, you are showing a bad example, but there are worst things you could do.

But I really don't understand why anyone would go through quitting, staying off fags for well over a year (as you said you gave up for pregnancy and breastfeeding) and so have well and truely broken both the physical and mental addiction, just to start again.

Why did you choose to start smoking the second time round? (Understand you might have thought it looked cool as a teenager, but a grown woman starting smoking is, well, odd.)

I am nearly 32 and have been smoking since I was 13. I do wonder if I have done so much damage now that I will die early anyway. I smoked about 20 a day for 15 of those years, none during both my pregnancies and maybe 5 a day since then. I do want to give up and find it easy to go a week or so without but struggle whenever I have a drink or am stressed. How much difference could it make to my life expectancy to give up now?

Ginnny, well done! When DH stopped smoking, he said it helped to mentally decide he wasn't a smoker who was quitting, but now a non-smoker. Not sure if that would help you. Also, you could ear mark the money you would have spent on fags for something lovely. How long would it take for you to save for a new pair of boots/coat/handbag?

?Ladylather, a dig? Can you explain why pointing out a pertinant FACT about a group of GPs is a dig?

perfumedlife that was a really nasty and completely unjustified dig at the McCanns.

Stop trying to compare yourself to drinkers. Just because other people drink that doesn't make your allowing your children to inhale passive smoke acceptable.

Why do all the smokers side-step all the tales of tragedy that are shared on threads like this, especially the ones told from the perspective of the children. It feels a bit like they're sticking their heads in the sand and trying to justify it with comparisons to drinking and obesity.

Nikki - the health benefits of quitting are evident within hours of your last cigarette and I think (though I may be wrong) your risk of smoking-related illness is equal to a non-smoker within 5-10 years.

Btw, I do recall reading somewhere that this 'third-hand' smoke hysteria is based on almost nonexistant research. IIRC it was based on some oldish study that actually didn't show much greater nicotine levels in the homes of smokers who said they smoke outside than of those of nonsmokers (they were a few times higher, 2 or 3, but 1) it wasn't sure that they were telling the truth re smoking only outside and 2) the levels were still incredibly low). There hasn't been a study definitely linking these low levels to any diseases.

A lot of doctors associated with anti-tobacco groups then made a huge deal out of it and media spread the panic.

I'm happy to be corrected if anyone's got the links to the original studies (not NHS or BBC or some doctors' interviews iyswim).

dolphin, that's your opinion, that it was nasty. You can think that, your choice, but you cannot dispute that it is fact.

I am not comparing myself to anyone, and even if I were, I most certainly not do what you tell me. You are failing to grasp the relevance, that drinking in charge of children can, and does, put them in immediate danger. I am pointing out that it is socially unacceptable to point this out, not saying that kids being around constant smoke is good. Far from it.

Perhaps it hits a nerve?

hollyweens, I think smokers are merely trying to reassure the op that she is not an unfit mother for having a fag in the garden. Smokers are well aware of the health implications of smoking, something the non smokers must forget, otherwise they wouldn't repeat themselves verbatim, stale smell, early death etc. Packets of cigarettes have gross images on them, they have not made a jot of difference. Smokers know all the facts, to reitterate it is pointless.

I can imagine a trip round a cystic fibrosis word is harrowing, but I can equally imagine so is the liver transplant unit. It won't make a difference to me or many smokers, or drinkers, because it's all relative. People take their chances. That's their choice.

My father is 70, he will never quit, he said he doesn't want another 10 or 15 years being alive but miserable without his fags. I can see what he means, he started smoking a long time ago, when doctors adveritised the bloody things in posters and at the cinema!

It's just pointless going over old ground, there is nothing new under the sun, some folk want to smoke and take the consequences, some want to drink, or be grossly obese, or take drugs. Dislike it all you like, but it's not illegal and the op is not an unfit mother.

Oh and judge away, we wouldn't expect anything less

Perfectly reasonable to give your life expectancy an extra gamble...it's not as if your dcs will miss you or that cancer/emphysema are particularly vile and painful diseases....just carry on it won't happen to you.

If you want to smoke, then smoke no one can tell you otherwise spark up love!

And with reference to drinking, having a few drinks a week can have no damage at all whereas just smoking five a day can increase risks. Personally I don't get pissed or smoke, unless DH is sober and then I have had one too many a couple of times in nine years.

Agree with Titsalina. In fact I was going to say the same thing. Go and have a look round a respiratory ward and see how you feel about it all.

The other week in my pulmonary rehab class we had a smoking quiz ( a lot of the patients there have smoking-caused COPD, I don't from smoking but was interested anyway) and I couldn't believe the statistics, they are worse than you would think, in reality.

I know what it is to struggle for breath and feel like your lungs are giving in, through no fault of my own. Why would you do something that might cause this to happen to you? And for you to leave your children behind too early?

So YABU.

Perfumedlife - I think the point I'm trying to make is that smokers will justify themselves by explaining that they smoke outdoors, it's only occasional, stopped during pg etc....., but they never respond to those posters who share heartbreaking tales of loved ones that they have lost and the reason is because there is no justification. There has to be some exceptance and acknowledgement (sp?) that smoking may result in the death of a parent which will considerably (understatement) affect the well-being of the child.

I think what I'm getting at is that no-one stands up and says I know that my smoking may damage my child.

I see what you're saying hollyweens. Sorry if i misunderstood.

With regard to that point, I can't speak for other smokers but I do not think that passive smoking is as harmful as has been made out. The research is seriously under question. I don't smoke around my child because I remember hating my dad's smoke as a child. Interestingly, I have two sisters and a brother, none of them smoke, and i only started at 27!

But I totally agree with you re the health issue, and life span. That is statistically true, that a smoker will die younger than a non smoker. I remember when we were young, we bought my father ten packs of ciggarettes, and then ceremoniously burned them in the front garden Oh, we were so fierce!

Life changes you. Life brings stresses and other things, nothing is set in stone. So, if it feels like a gamble, so be it. Children used to lose their parents a whole lot earlier due to bad working conditions, ill health, lack of medical advancement. Not for one minute saying we should go back there. I am saying, your own life is still your own life. It is up to the individual to live it as they see fit. I wont live to see any grandchildren, but that's mainly because I didn't have my child until i was 37. If he is as late as me, and the current trend, he wont have his children until I am 74. Lots of mothers are starting motherhood later, in this respect they are already raising the chances of leaving behing grandchilren earlier.

Also, there is no guarentee smoking will give you cancer, and many get it without smoking. Smokers are happy to take that chance. They are raising their kids in a fit way, they are not breaking the law, there are no violent incidents at weekend A&E due to smoking. It's just the way it is, they are not disagreeing with the health aspect, simply choosing to live their lives in a way that is enjoyable and legal, to them.

Sometimes its quality over quantity, and I know i love my life, and my son, and i raise him with my belief systems, so am sure he will support that decision, just as non smokers kids will echo their parents beliefs.

nikki1978 have a look here - a table listing the health benefits of quitting

If you quit now you can halt the damage and even reverse a lot of it - your body is quite amazing at trying to heal itself!

It's hard quitting smoking, really hard. There are lots of online support groups, as well as smoking cessation services in all areas. Your GP or practice nurse can help you with stopping smoking if you want to quit.