Help me, ex and xmas

[macdoodle]

need some MN straight talking.
Long, sordid tale, but XH and I are now divorced. He was/is a nasty dick.
We have two DD's, DD1 is 9, DD2 will be 3 just after xmas.
I guess we have properly been seperated 2 years (divorced a year), before that there were lots of trauma's for a few years. There was a lot of abuse, an OW, a baby with the OW who is 5 months older than my DD2.
We are still wrangling over the finances. He pays none of the joint debts at all! He pays nothing towards the DD's, other than occasionally buying them flash presents when he has cash.
When he is home, he sticks erratically to the contact arrangements. He works away a lot, they havent seen him since July.

He doesnt tell me when he will or wont be home, but expects me to drop/change my plans/rearrange child care when it suits him.

He has NEVER had DD2 overnight, and DD1 not for a year. Not since he didnt come to collect them for DD2's first sleepover because he was too pissed to drive, and I refused to deliver them to him, saying if he was too drunk to drive, he was too drunk to look after 2 small children :(

He called tonight, drunk, saying he will be home for xmas and its "his xmas this year", and he will be having them to sleep over xmas eve and xmas day :(

Am trying really hard to put my feelings aside and do what is best for my girls. He says he will be back on the 18Dec, he wont have seen them for 5 months. I am really not sure that it is appropriate for him to be having DD2 for her first ever sleep over on xmas eve, when he hasnt seen her for 5 months :(

AIBU though, is it just my anger and annoyance with him, expecting me to fit around him and his plans. I guess I could compromise and he could pick them up xmas day morning?? Its the sleeping over thing that bothers me, he will be drinking, DD2 is a mummy's girl, I cant bear the thought of her being distressed in a strange place on xmas eve :( Is it me ?? I know he is their father, but he doesnt know them at all, and certainly not DD2 :(

From experience he wont compromise, and will "punish me" by not seeing them at all :(

Thing is, if he was more sensible, reliable, rational, I actually wouldn't mind, it would be great for the girls. I won't be alone, my mum is staying over xmas, we could have a lazy grown up day, a grown up meal, and do xmas with the girls on boxing day. it would be fine, but I just don't trust him with them, I really dont :(

Go with your gut feeling here.
All the reasons you stated are perfectly valid reasons that show you are thinking of the dcs.
It would be a disressing for everyone inc. ex.
Forget the repercussions do what you think is right for your girls.

Just so you know where I'm coming from I am divorced and exH has our DDs every other weekend and we alternate Christmases.

In your circumstances I would tell him to sod off re Christmas this year. Tell him that when he has proved he can be a competent parent he can have the privileges that entails and not before. I would want regular, reliable contact established before agreeing to big events. HTH

God he ties me up in knots, and still makes me believe I am the stupid, unreasonable one.
Its always about him, what he wants, never about them.
Its definitely about facing the repercussions, he will kick off as always if he doesnt get his own way.
I have come so far back towards myself, but he can still turn me into a gibbering wreck :(

As you are divorced, was anything decided about contact? Does he normally stick to things she says when he is drunk?

mamas12 is right. You must do what's right for your children and I don't think it's allowing them to stay overnight with a man they barely know (in particular the youngest). I'm sorry, I know you're trying to do the right thing, and of course we should always consider eXH/P when making arrangements, but this man has not been part of your children's lives for what,in a child's life, is a a long time, not least the fact it is christmas. Do what's right for you and the children, it's not unreasonable to ask your ex to respect that. Your intention is not to cause your ex pain or discomfort but to ensure the children are appropriately cared for in these circumstances. I hope it all works out well. Best wishes.

We have a contact arrangement, but as he works away, he never really sticks to it,the overnights have stopped completely.The girls do adore him so when he IS home, I try to be flexible so he can see a bit more of them. But its always at his convenience, ie before the pub opens.
He's obviously been thinking about it, he will probably keep insisting on it, especially as he knows I dont want him to have them.

My ex has no respect for me or anyone TBH.Its all about control and punishing me for daring to leave him.

Tell him to fuck right off macdoodle I wouldnt let anyone who hasnt seen my child for almost 6 months have my child for a sleep over, especially not on such an exciting evening as Xmas Eve.

Obviously as he is your ex he isnt a reasonable person, could you say that you will drop the girls off at 10am on Christmas morning? Actually, dont ask, just TELL him that is what you are willing to do.

Why hasn't he seen them for 5 months?

He's working on a ship somewhere. he hasnt been in the country since the end of July.

Agree with SGM, don't ask him what he wants, tell him he can see them on Boxing Day for presents etc. Then you will be delighted to discuss with him how he is going to arrange a regular schedule of contact after that so you can build up to staying contact in time for Christmas 2011.

If he gets angry/upset, don't engage. You are being perfectly reasonable to feel concerned about overnights in the circs.

Would you or could you go to mediation? Would he go? If you think that could work, suggest it. Otherwise his only options are to a)work with you in best interests of your children or b)apply to court.

You need to put your foot down and say no.

I have had this with exp for 6 years, and the more you give, the more they see you as a push over. You are the main thing in the girl's life, and so you deserve the nice times. He deserves diddly squat, and it will get easier if you are consistent and un flinching with him. He will give up eventually (exp was violent and abusive, and I am still scared of what he will do if I say no, but I have always been consistent and he appears to have given up with the agressive tactics at last!)

We went to mediation, it was horrible, we managed to batter out a access arrangement, which he has never really stuck to, and then on the 3rd session about finances, he lost it, swore at me and the mediator and stormed out. Not going back there, was horrific.

Yup. I'm scared how he will react, as always.

Ok so forget mediation.

Stick with; once you have built up your relationship with the children with regular contact, I will be happy to discuss overnights. But not this year. Goodbye.

Ah Spero that made me laugh thank you :)

Completly agree, if he can stick to arrangements and have sucessful overnights during the next year then say he can have them next xmas.

Agree completely with Spero and SGM.