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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset when DD has not been invited to a birthday party

21 replies

thebird · 20/10/2010 21:21

My DD came home from school today in tears that she had not been invited to a friends birthday party. I have to admit I too was surprised as there are 5 of them who have been friends since reception, play together every day at school, very much a a litte group. All the other girls have been invited except for my DD so naturally she is upset (and so am I)!I fully understand its not possible to invite all the kids in the class and so does DD but i would never exclude any of this gang as they have always been a core group of pals since day 1 of school. I have explained to DD that perhaps numbers were limited and and she had been to all her other parties etc. Now she is saying that she does not want to invite this girl to her party in a few months which I would not do although part of me kind of agrees..arghhhh i hate birthday parties!

OP posts:

LoveBeingAMardyBum · 20/10/2010 21:23

If they are such good friends coud you speak to the mum and just find out if there is something you dont know?

whomovedmychocolate · 20/10/2010 21:24

Is it possible she is invited but you haven't been told yet?

If it is the case that she's been left out, perhaps they've grown apart - it does happen, sadly :(

Can you take her out when the party is on so she has something 'better' than the party to remember.

In terms of not inviting the other girl, it's totally up to you but wait a bit till after the party and see what happens.

chickbean · 20/10/2010 21:28

Could it be a mistake? DS1 never got an invitation to one party because the invitation got lost at pre-school. Not sure how you'd find out though. Could you get one of the other mums to ask for you?

TooImmature2BMum · 20/10/2010 21:28

Oh my God, that is so mean! It sounds like the horrible girly bullying that happens so much at school - how old are DD and this other girl? YANBU at all to be upset. It really does sound like bitchy power play. To be honest, I would be sorely tempted to refuse to have the other girl at your DD's party! She sounds like a really nasty piece of work. I suppose it all could have changed in a few months though and they could be best friends again. I hope your DD cuts her off and hangs out with other, better, friends instead. She doesn't want to be friends with a girl that would treat her so badly.

cat64 · 20/10/2010 21:29

This reply has been deleted

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alicatte · 20/10/2010 21:36

It is so painful. This happened to one of mine and I really felt his pain but said nothing. On the day of the party the other mother rang up apologising abjectly that she had forgotten him. I don't know what happened, it might have been a childish squabble or just an oversight like she said. But YANBU - it is natural to feel your child's pain.

Original poster

thebird · 20/10/2010 21:37

Well the girls are good friends but the mum rarely picks up at school so shes not one of those I would get to chat to very often. Also i don't want to make a huge issue of it and come across like a hysterical madwoman. Im sure there is a good reason she was not invited but I still think it was a little insensitive to invite all but one of the gang:(

As it happens DD does have a dance class that day so we are 'too busy' anyhow. Maybe will treat her to MacDs after so at least she has something to say when they are talking about their fun day.

Girls eh....how may more years of this party stuff?

Thanks ladies

OP posts:

starrychime · 20/10/2010 21:41

What kind of party is it? If it's something that's pretty expensive per head then they may have been very limited to just having 3 or 4 there and on the day that the birthday girl was asked who she wanted there may have been some small reason why your DD was the one not picked. Fairly possible the mum is feeling dreadful about it too and having upset your DD.

frazzle26 · 20/10/2010 21:41

My son doesn't get invited to parties very often and I think it may be because he has a bit of a reputation as a "naughty boy". I really do feel sad for him though, especially because the few that he's been to he's been so thrilled to go to :(

Original poster

thebird · 20/10/2010 21:46

DD is 7..and yes there is lots of girly horrible nonsense that goes on between them. They are all basically nice girls but soooo competitive and b**y. At the moment I think its my DDs turn at the bottom of the pile. I guess in a few months it will be someone else in tears!

OP posts:

TooImmature2BMum · 20/10/2010 21:53

That starts at 7?? I was thinking 11 or thereabouts! Either kids are meaner younger these days or else I led a sheltered life until secondary school.

Original poster

thebird · 20/10/2010 21:54

They are going bowling which i know is expensive and only a few invited as far as i know so im pretty sure this is why DD has not been invited. Still hurts though.

OP posts:

stealthsquiggle · 20/10/2010 22:02

My DS has just agreed that it would be a good idea to be the "bigger person" and invite to his (small) party a friend who has been being "mean" to him lately, because he knows she would really really love what they are going to do.

I am proud of him, but very fearful - if this girl then snubs his invitation because she is so busy doing the 8yo girly-bitchy thing with new friends he will be truly upset.

It's a minefield.

Original poster

thebird · 20/10/2010 22:09

Ah your DS sounds like a very kind young man and that girl is lucky to have him as a friend. Hopefully it will go ok.

I will probably persuade my DD to do the same, i don't want to make things worse. Although if she still feels as cross as does now it will take some convincing!

OP posts:

stealthsquiggle · 21/10/2010 11:10

How long until DD's party? These things do blow over quite quickly [hopeful]

DS may sound nice in this instance, but you should see how indignant he gets about "girls-only" parties (and this from the boy who refused to even eat off a pink plate at his sister's party)

emmy5 · 21/10/2010 11:17

Maybe it's something to do with how many she can fit in her car or the numbers allowed for a game? It is really hurtful though I agree. Don't know what I'd do really - I'd like to think I'd be the bigger person, invite her DD to our party. Otherwise it could end up being an ongoing thing.

kittens · 21/10/2010 11:19

my DD was recently not invited to a friends party, she had invited all but 2 girls from the class and my DD was one of them - she was upset, so I arranged a tea party for her and a few friends to take her mind off things. Last weekend DD had her birthday and didn't want to invite the girl who left her out, but I explained about kindness, thoughfulness and empathy. She then understood why its important to treat others as you would like to be treated - a valuable lesson. Anyway this girl arrived and had a great time, her mum brought her 20mins late to the party and kept us waiting 25mins as she was late picking up and didn't even give my DD a card!!

twirlymum · 21/10/2010 11:24

frazzle26 that made me sad!

PinkElephant73 · 21/10/2010 11:52

I really hate the whole birthday party "thing", as both of my DSs have been really upset by being left out of parties at one time or another, sometimes by apparently close friends. frazzle26 my DS2 was like yours - he has calmed down now and the birthday party stage does not last forever thank goodness.

There is something to be said for being a Jehovahs' Witness and not bothering with birthday parties at all....

Pushmeinthepool · 22/10/2010 23:40

I could never let one of my children have a party and not invite one of their close group of friends. We're only talking about one extra child here, not an extra 10, and I think the mum of the party girl is being unfair by leaving your DD out.

Like others have said though, it could well be that your DD has an invitation but it's gone AWOL; my DD recently had a party and I approached one mum 2 days before the party to see if her DD was coming, and her DD hadn't been given the invite by her class teacher (she is in a different class to my daughter). Her mum was thinking she'd been left out because all her friends were going.

YouGirl · 22/10/2010 23:48

My niece (9) was convinced she had not been invited to her frinds party....it was all a mix up...she was...but as other have said, it's part and parcel isnt it? Very sad abnd VERY annoying! Tis year for my DD we could not afford a big do and so only had cousins...there are only 5 girls in DD@s class and NO way could we have only asked two or three...the others would have been so hurt...

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