To want to ditch this friend?

[madonnawhore]

I've known her almost all my life and even though we've taken very different paths we've stayed friends. I always thought it was nice that I had managed to hold on to a childhood friend but lately I'm thinking that the only reason I'm still friends with her is out of a sense of duty that such a long shared history has conferred on our relationship.

Anyway, I saw her this weekend and I thought we would have a nice time just hanging out together, going for drinks, etc. But when she got to mine, all she talked about for the entire time was this utter utter prick she's seeing (already he sounds like an EA twunt and I've told her so but she won't listen). We went out for the night but he was texting her constantly so the whole evening was punctuated with her interrupting what I was saying or what she was saying in order to respond immediately to this twat's text messages.

She's always had really low self esteem and has been very promiscuous in the past, often two-timing guys and taking silly risks with her safety. I've stuck by her and tried to help her as best I can but this weekend I just reached the point of indifference. I realised that when we're together ALL we talk about is guys - usually guys she's involved with. She's got no other interests, no hobbies, no life apart from either chasing men or having crap relationships with men or breaking up with them. Repeat ad infinitum.

It's boring and I've run out of ways to make her understand that this is a waste of her life and destructive to her emotional health. I actually don't care any more. AIBU to slowly stop contact and let the friendshoip die?

So, so glad you're not my friend.

OK, so anyone had any experience of banging your head against a brick wall for years and reaching the point of frustration that I have? How did you get past it? What should I do??

How old is your friend?

SOmetimes friends just do grow apart. Let the friendship drift. She doesn;t sound any keener on maintaining it than you are. But don't decide to outline all her faults for her and officially dump her as a mate. There is no way to do this without looking like a complete whanger.

If you label your friend as a man-chasing, twat-dating,text-bore who won't listen to you, then no wonder she has low self-esteem.

Definitely compassion fatigue. Friends are NOT there to constantly put up with you no matter how tedious you may become. It's one thing sticking by someone if they have a serious illness or serious relationship problem, but if they are just banging on about what they want to talk about with no thought of reciprocating then they can expect to get dumped, imo. Your friend is not your therapist.

Agree there is no reason to TELL her she's boring.

"always had really low self esteem and has been very promiscuous in the past, often two-timing guys and taking silly risks with her safety. I've stuck by her..."

I dont really see how you would need to stick by her under these circumstances. As thats how she chooses to live her life. Had she hurt you, I can see why saying you'd stuck by her might be relevant.

I think you probably need time away from each other. Try and remember why you love her and perhaps do things that dont mean you will be chatting about men all the time. Go to the cinema, get a takeaway, watch silly tv together. These things might make you appreciate each other more.

I would stop trying to tell her what she should be doing with her life. If she wants to 'waste' it chasing men etc like you said in your post, its up to her, its her life not yours and she can do what she wants with it.

You come across as you are better than her and that you do something worthwhile while she doesn't and you think she is wasting her life. Even if she is, stop telling her that. Its going to do nothing for her low self esteem.

I do agree that we do outgrow childhood friends though. I am not really friends with anyone from school. I outgrew them when we left school and even now the couple I occasionally keep in touch with, I can see haven't changed a bit and I am not interested in trying to be their friend anymore. If you truely feel that this is the end, then just let contact gradually drop, or if you want to keep it going, don't see her for a while then see if you feel like meeting up again.

Does she have many other friends?

Oh I've never told her she's boring or anything like that. I would never say horrible things to her, of course not! I'm just venting here because I think these things privately and I know I'm probably out of order for thinking them but whoever said compassion fatigue was right - that's what it feels like.

I think this weekend was especially bad because (don't want to go into too much detail) she got me into a situation that I wouldn't have chosen for myself and put me completely on the spot, so I felt very taken advantage of.

I'm not a horrible friend, I've been there late at night with the wine, the choccies, the face pack, the sympathetic ear til 2am. Just, something about this weekend was too much.

I think poster above was right. Some time apart and space to get my energy back is what's needed.

If she really is draining you that much, then maybe it is time to move on. People do change and there are the ones who don't and we are the ones who outgrow them unfortunately.

I had a similar friend, Madonnawhore. I had to sever the friendship eventually. She thrived on the dramas that she created by consorting with unsuitable men (drug dealers/woman beaters/married men) She would often end up at my door in tears during the night, I would sit and console her and advise her on what to do. Then the next day she'd be back at the start of whatever self-destruct cycle she was on. I'm not a professional counsellor/psychotherapist so could not offer her anything but tea and advice, which she would ignore.

I ended the friendship after she got caught carrying 50 ecstasy tablets inside her bra (for a man) in a nightclub. She got sent to jail. I felt bad but hoped it would do her some good, time to reflect and all that. From what I hear she's sorted herself out and I'm pleased for that.

YANBU OP. I know what it's like banging your head off a brick wall :)

There must have been a reason why you have been friends with her for so long, so perhaps she's worth sticking with.

If you find spending time with her a bit boring, maybe next time suggest doing something when you go out, rather than just meeting up for drinks. Go bowling, running, to a gig, whatever. Say you wanted to do something more fun than just moan about men. If that still doesn't work then....

Having just had a email bollocking from a long term friend I half wondered if this was about me. It isn't but my advise would be to have some distance for a while which is what I intend to do. I am waiting until she contacts me and if not, bye bye friendship.

You can't make her change but you can decide if you want to stay friends but you will have to accept what that entails.

I adopt a (some might say cruel) stance with my friends who continually make mistakes with a man who's treating them badly.

If he hurts you once, you poor thing.
If you go back and he does it again, knowing full well what he was like, he hasnt hurt you, you've hurt you. And theres no sympathy after that.

Any discussions about said man after that involve me saying mmmm... and changing the subject alot.

I had a friendship like this too Madonnawhore and it was utterly pointless and draining carrying on with it. It's essential to be there for friends who are going through hard times but when someone continually gets themselves into the same shitty situations and just bangs on about their own problems all the time then it isn't a friendship. You've basically become her moaning board. You've tried your best to be a good friend by listening and being there for her but she hasn't reciprocated. You're not her carer, you're not responsible for her so don't feel duty-bound to be there for her. You should get as much out of the friendship as she does.