DD getting let down by friend

[velomum]

Every time my DD's friend has a row with her mother, she is grounded, meaning she can't go out with my DD, often at short notice, leaving my DD festering at home feeling upset. I would tell DD to tell this friend to get lost but DD is a fairly quiet girl with few other friends and is also easygoing so puts up with a lot as she doesn't want to have even fewer friends to do stuff with.

Should I intervene in this situation and say something to the friend's mother or just leave it to my DD to sort out? I am fairly friendly with the friend's mother but I am fed up with my DD being a victim of the rows between the mother and her DD, which are nothing to do with my DD?

I'd stay out if I were you

I don't understand where you're coming from OP - it is not the fault of your dd's friend that her mother decides to ground her. It sounds as if you think this friend has some sort of duty to entertain your daughter. I don't think you should be encouraging your dd to think she is a bad friend - how does that figure?? I am sure it's normal for teens to play up and get punished as a result.

so yes YABU in my view.

Not to mention the fact that maybe your dd's friend's mother is unreasonable anyway - that happens too.

It's your dd's friends fault that she is grounded. Perhaps you can tell your kid to tell her friend to behave

I'm sure you know you're being unreasonable - I have no hesitation in grounding dd even on the day she has plans to go to parties or sleepovers. I apologise for the disappoinment to the mum of the kid but that is it - I would never cave in cos another kid was disappointed.

thanks for your comments, maybe i am being unreasonable but I did let the friend's mother know that my DD was disappointed and let down and she did indeed pass the blame to her DD for playing up (which she does as she's under such pressure to be 'perfect' by her mother, I'm sure but that's another story...).

I would love my DD to drop this child like a stone and find more reliable friends but unfortunately not a realistic option as she finds it hard to make new friends, tho she does go to lots of activities out of school.

MadamDeathstare you hit nail on head about not letting others down because you can't behave so I don't think I'm being that unreasonable. Hopefully this situation will not arise again!

YABU.

Its not as if her friend is not turning up when she said she would or leaving your daughter in the lurch. I fail to see how her being grounded by her mother makes her unreliable.

How old are they?

DD2 had a friend like this - her mother would ground her for what seemed like fairly normal behaviour to us and DD would be let down at the last minute. I told DD to be supportive of her friend because she obviously had a bit of a difficult time at home. She was very supportive and now 4 years later they are still good friends even though they are now at different sixth form colleges. I would never have told DD to drop her like a stone just because of different parenting

Always stay out of friendships-leave it to them.

I think YABU as it seems that you have alluded this is not a bad child but a mother with issues who wants a "stepford" child. I am sorry if your DD misses out but punishing her friend seems petty as it appears her mother has poor parenting skills and his using her parental sanctions for things most of us would seem as normal behaviour.

Yes maybe IABU. Mumsnetters are more sensible than me! They are 13 so still pretty immature. But yes TubbyDuffs, my DD is being left in the lurch too often but I guess it wouldn't matter too much if she had lots of other good reliable friends, which sadly she hasn't.:(

It might sound a bit tit for tat, but have you thought of doing it back a few times? Maybe it will make the mother realise how unfair it is and make her choose different options. (Especially if you drop that you're following her example!)

I can understand why you are annoyed by this. Fair enough, if the other child had done something really terrible, then grounding and having to ring your daughter and apologise for not coming over would be part of the punishment. But it sounds like her being grounded and just not turning up at prearranged get-togethers is now routine, and so totally ineffective anyway.

BUT, her parenting isn't really your business. I guess you have to say to your daughter that with that friend, you can't always rely on her being there due to the risk of her being grounded. It's up to her whether she keeps making arrangements that then get broken.

You sound a bit concerned about her lack of other friends. Why don't you ask her if there's anyone else she'd like to invite over? It sounds like a lot of emphasis is being put on this one friendship, which is itself a bit unstable due to the behaviour/grounding. You could actually be honest with her and talk about this. Perhaps she's not worried about having too many friends. Perhaps she'd like to have more. I think it's worth talking to your daughter about this situation in an upfront way rather than trying to change the mum's punishment regime, which may be a bit crap, but it is hers to decide.

YABU and you sound horrid TBH

Giddyup: Why does she sound horrid?

She is just concerned about her DD being let down and she is asking for advice on how to deal with it.

You sound horrid making a snap judgement like that.

OP: This is a tricky one and I hope your DD finds some other friends to hang around with.

I found the line 'I would love my DD to drop this child like a stone' sounded quite horrid, callous and selfish.

I would deal with it by making a really good back up plan every time you have a playdate. Talk about it, acknowledge it, say, she's coming to play but if she doesn't turn up you will do x y z instead. Something really fun that she doesn't normally do. I would also cancel the other child a couple of times too so that the mum knows what a pickle it can cause.

Just ignore me. they're thirteen. I'm being ridiculous.

Yeah it was the "drop this child like a stone line" for me too! [hgrin]

I agree with Stewie. You need to encourage your dd to widen her circle of friends then it won't impact on her life so much if this friend is grounded. It may have the added bonus of encouraging her friend to behave better if she knows your dd will be out having fun with others.