to think my mum should let my dad go on holiday?

[peeweewee]

My Mum hates travelling and always made a fuss about family holidays when I was growing up. She now sadly suffers badly from rheumatoid arthritis and needs my dad to help do things around the house for her (eg she struggles to walk very far at all).

My parents are both from Europe even though they live in Australia. My dad is approaching 80 and would love to go to Europe to visit his brothers and sisters (due to age two of them died last year). Mum simply won't let him go - emotional blackmail techniques. She makes it out that he would be abandoning her to go, even for a fortnight.

I have even offered to fly back to Australia to look after her while dad goes to Europe, but she won't have it. It has to be Dad or no-one.

I asked Dad why he doesn't just put his foot down and he says he thinks it would destroy his marriage. I applaud him for sticking by his principles but I'm furious with my mother!!!

JJJ it's actually quite good to know that someone else has been through this with a mother and the same illness ending up being so wierd similar. Have not found much about the psychological effects of these diseases, but it's definitely taking its toll. It's the catty comments, and the "I don't have any friends" and the total lack of desire to look good or be gracious that astounds and pissesmeoff saddens me.

Peewee- I know. What age were you when your mum got ill? I was 7. I remember I had to help her dress every morning. She coped with her illness so well for years and years. She was a teacher and loved her work, and I would often see her go off to work in the morning when half an hour earlier she had been sobbing with the pain and unable to walk, but she fought it, and I really admired her for it. Her illness also caused her 2 miscarriages and 2 stillborn babites, the second stillbirth at 8 mths. She loved children, and it was all she really wanted, so her grief must have been terrible, but she always got on with it.

Over the years she had all sorts of problems- a brain aneurysm, lung fibrosis, heart problems- as well as the pain. In the last few years she had a couple of small strokes and that is when her personality really began to change. It was frustrating and hellish to watch, and horrible to be part of. Other people find it easier to see them as a saint that has bravely endured all these problems, but ime they take it out on their nearest and dearest. I'm sure outsiders would have been aghast to think I thought she was a "bitch" at times (well, often!) But it is hard for people to understand what it is like within that circle of illness, and we are only human!

I felt like the pain twisted her and gnarled her personality the way it did her joints. When you say "it has to be dad or no-one" I can totally identify with that- even though I was around, mum became so dependant on dad (but in such an angry way!) that it seemed she was terrified if he even thought about going for a run (so he didn't!), never mind go overseas! I feel for you living so far away- you must feel like you can't really help your dad much, but even if were close by, it might be just the same. Not sure if this helps, but I just empathise so strongly with your frustration and inability to do anything practical for her

Gosh JJJ my mum wasn't ever that ill! I can't imagine how it must have been for you growing up ;( My mum can't walk more than about 20m but it doesn't bring her to tears...or not that I've seen. I think she started having symptoms in her 30's so probs before I was born.

Your last paragraph about the pain twisting and gnarling her personality is exactly how I've felt too. I can see her eyes are dull and dimmed over from the pain, and it seems like it has taken over her personality. But I don't really know what her personality would have been like if things had been different.

So I think she's horrible and then I feel guilty....

Thanks for your post, it is good to know that I'm not the only one who has been through this x