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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Valuable item posted back to me uninsured...is DP BU?

24 replies

StrikeUpTheBand · 18/10/2010 11:17

I hope you can all give me an unbiased POV. Last week, we visited DP's parents for the weekend and had a nice time. Having DCs (one a baby) we had loads of stuff with us, so we did one last check once we loaded up the car (DP did) and set off on our way. On the way home I realised (when I was cold) that I had left my coat on their coat stand. The coat is 3 yrs old and has a tear in the elbow, and I was planning to buy a new coat, but I was a bit annoyed that I had (in the inside pocket) left DD's library card and an Argos gift card given to me in exchange for my mobile phone (one of those companies that you can sell your mobile phone to). The gift card had been activated and was worth over £100. We are very much struggling for money having just this year had to take the decision to give up our house to the bank (which they now have on Rightmove for a ridiculously low price and so we might be facing bankruptcy Sad) and so really needed this money with birthdays coming up and then Christmas.

DP spoke to his dad on the phone and by text and email. In one text his dad said he'd post the cards back. DP replied that that would be good, but please send them insured as the one card is worth over £100. Then there is a reply saying "OK, will send in morning and will send the coat when I find something to pack it in". So obviously he had received the previous text.

A week later I received the coat. I asked DP if he would text his dad to thank him for the coat and ask if he would be able to send the cards soon. Apparently his dad sent them over a week before by 2nd class. DP contacted him to confirm if they were insured and gets reply "Only a library card". So DP called him to clarify.

Apparently DP's dad did not read the text properly and has sent a gift card (that cannot be cancelled or replaced - have now checked) 2nd class just in an envelope. I am now assuming the worst as I have never sent anything of value uninsured and had it reach the destination safely Sad. We were really relying on this money for the children's Christmas/birthdays. DP says if it doesn't turn up it's his dad's fault and so he will be asking him to reimburse me. I feel uneasy about this but also very upset that my extra money could be now gone.

Who is right?

OP posts:
Tootlesmummy · 18/10/2010 11:23

I think it is a terrible shame but I think it would be a bit harsh to blame DP's dad and ask him to pay for it.

I would put it down to one of those things, I'm sorry that doesn't help. Maybe when you speak to DP's dad he might offer to pay something towards it anyway.

I really hope things get a bit better.

Skyrg · 18/10/2010 11:24

Sorry you're having trouble :(
Couldn't you have gone back when you realised?
I wouldn't give up on it yet, if it's just a card someone wouldn't necessarily think it has value.

I think it's a bit unfair to expect him to send it insured when it costs more, unless you're planning to pay him back. The cost of sending the coat would also have been high.

SkeletonFlowers · 18/10/2010 11:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

comixminx · 18/10/2010 11:41

I agree with your DP that it's reasonable for his dad to reimburse you - he didn't do what he was asked to do, and it's not fair to you to just lose the money at such a difficult time. Especially if DP's parents can afford the extra money more than you can?

I also think DP should be well able to judge how things work on his side of the family, ie if this is something that seems reasonable to them, even if it might not be the way that your side of the family works, IYSWIM?

Original poster
StrikeUpTheBand · 18/10/2010 11:45

Thanks for the replies. It helps to see what people think.

Skyrg, no we couldn't really have gone back because they live over 4 hours away. I also didn't realise about the Mazuma card until we were already home. As SF says below your post, insurance on something in an envelope is very cheap.

I think I would feel more ok about it if he'd posted it before we had the chance to tell him it was valuable. But the fact that he posted it second class after we'd sent a text (which he'd acknowledged) to say it had a lot of money on it. He didn't willfully ignore it I don't think - just forgot or didn't read it properly most likely.

If we weren't so poor atm I'd probably suck it up, but I actually sold my phone so we'd have money for Christmas etc set aside...and felt a lot of relief knowing it was there. Now panic has set in again Sad. But I do fel that if DP 'demands' the money it wouldn't be right either.

OP posts:
comixminx · 18/10/2010 11:50

Well, DP can be tactful and sensitive about it, presumably, rather than going in all guns blazing? Or did it not sound like he would, when you were talking about it? I think explaining the situation and saying that you don't feel you can just write it off ought to be sufficiently tactful, shouldn't it?

Original poster
StrikeUpTheBand · 18/10/2010 11:51

Comixminx, sorry, crossed posts. Thanks for your reply too Smile.

Yes, they are a lot more 'direct' on his side of the family. Maybe I'll leave it to him to sort and hope it is ok?!

Oh, and yes, they can definitely afford it better than us as they're comfortably off. Not that that would come into it if I felt like it was all our fault.

OP posts:
Skyrg · 18/10/2010 11:52

Fair enough StrikeUpTheBand, I just assumed you were walking because you said about getting cold! :)
I know the insurance may not have cost a huge amount, but presumably the cost of sending a coat is a bit more? The combination of the cost may have been a bit much, was what I meant.

I think you're right, he could have been more considerate, but I suppose from his point of view it's not his responsibility. Bit difficult really. YANBU though.

What did he send it in? If he just sent in in an envelope the size of a card someone may have thought it was valuable, but if he padded it out with something they wouldn't know there was a card in there.

Sorry you lost it, but I really wouldn't give up yet, it could just be taking a long time.

GingerCursedEeeee · 18/10/2010 11:58

What if your DH explains how upset you both are because you were relying on that money for the DCs gifts? Maybe FIL would then offer to reimburse without it having to be demanded?

nightshade · 18/10/2010 12:05

i certainly wouldn't ask to be reimbursed.

unfortunately it is one of those things and ultimately your own mistake.

if the card was so valuable, why did you leave it in a coat pocket. would you have left a hundred pounds cash loose in your pocket?

we have all made mistakes like this and although it is a bitter pill to swallow in my mind, it is easier than blaming someone else and getting them to pay due to your own forgetfullness.

Original poster
StrikeUpTheBand · 18/10/2010 16:58

Nightshade - yes I can sort of see your point. However, it's not like I carelessly left it at a train station or on the bus. Until he posted it uninsured 2nd class it was safe at my DP's parents' house. We entrust them with things worth more to us than £100 - they are not strangers and are usually responsible. At no point was it lost or mislaid - it was very deliberately in my coat pocket. I had brought it along because we were planning to buy some things that weekend, but it was left in their house on the peg while we went to the park etc because (as you say) you don't want to be carrying that amount around.

I am just feeling Sad about the whole unfortunate situation because if it doesn't turn up I don't know what we will do for Christmas - certainly we'll find a way but this was money I had 'ringfenced'. There is definitely not a lot of spare money knocking about at the moment to be lost due to something as frustrating as someone not reading a text properly.

OP posts:
nightshade · 18/10/2010 18:25

yes, it's crap and you are going to feel crap no matter what you do.

even if your inlaws do re imburse the money, you will still feel crap and so will they.

so you have to ask yourself which solution creates the least amount of crapness for everyone involved??

Original poster
StrikeUpTheBand · 30/10/2010 20:54

Hi,

Just to update - card did not turn up (surprise surprise Hmm). DP has informed his parents but they are not replying to any communications over the said event. Have not offered to replace card or even ever said sorry for not posting it more securely.

I don't know what we're going to do for money now Sad.

Thanks for your responses everyone. Not a lot else to say but thought I would let you all know how it ended.

OP posts:
SandStorm · 30/10/2010 21:02

Did your FIL definitely post two cards - the library card AND the gift card? I only ask because it sounds like he's only sent a library which he quite reasonably didn't insure.

Has the library card arrived and have you checked the pockets of your coat?

JarethTheGoblinKing · 30/10/2010 21:12

Check if your FIL definitely posted both cards, hopefully the argos one is still in your coat pocket.

Maybe he didn't realise what it was and the value of it, or didn't understand that it wasn't replaceable.

I would also speak with Argos customer services and explain the situation. I know you've checked already, but you never know. It's worth another shot anyway.

Sounds like an all round crappy situation :(

Original poster
StrikeUpTheBand · 01/11/2010 09:11

Yes, the coat arrived safely a week before - the first thing I did was check the coat pockets. It is an old thing with a hole in the elbow so of course it would be the thing to get here safely Hmm.

OP posts:
Original poster
StrikeUpTheBand · 01/11/2010 09:16

Thanks though for all your suggestions. Might try Mazuma as well.

Jareth, DP called his dad up and asked him to clarify if he'd insured it in any way and he said he hadn't. When he said "But I sent you a text asking you to send it insured because it was worth around £100 and you replied saying you would!" he said "Oh, I must have not read that bit properly." He then expressed a hope that it would turn up but he has been told that it hasn't and no response (although he has responded to other texts).

I would be less grumpy if he had at least apologised.

OP posts:
olderandwider · 01/11/2010 11:38

Bit confused about your timings. You say you visited last week, the coat was sent back a week ago, and the cards the week before the coat. I make that, erm, you visited two weeks ago and so cards were sent two weeks ago?

My point is, second class post is crap, so if the cards were indeed posted last week/a week ago, rather than two weeks ago, then they may turn up yet.

If after 2 weeks from posting, the cards are still missing, contact Royal Mail. You never know, they may have come across a damaged package; also other people may have got in touch with the same problem in which case perhaps you can make a claim.

Original poster
StrikeUpTheBand · 01/11/2010 11:58

Older, we visited a while back now, and they posted the coat a week afterwards ("a week before" I enquired about the cards and their whereabouts). Sorry that it was a bit unclear. When we asked it turned out the cards had been posted back straight away almost, so should have been with us about a week before the coat.

OP posts:
olderandwider · 01/11/2010 13:26

Ok, I see. just spotted the date of your post - oops!

Might still be worth contacting Royal Mail. Sounds like somebody felt the credit cards in the envelope and lifted them (RM employees don't flame me please! It happened to me!)

You never know, the RM may be keeping a record of missing cards for a particular area/sorting office and you were a victim.

It seems a lot of money to just let go.

Original poster
StrikeUpTheBand · 05/11/2010 11:47

Well, to update you all!

The cards finally turned up yesterday, after about a month of being AWOL. Apparently the postage was not enough and I had to pay it first but then I received the envelope and couldn't believe it when said cards were inside!!

Hooray! The world is not rubbish after all!

OP posts:
Original poster
StrikeUpTheBand · 05/11/2010 11:47

PS. NO idea where they were all that time!

OP posts:
OmniaParatus · 05/11/2010 11:54

So glad you got it back! I felt so sorry for you when I read this thread, I hope you and your family can enjoy Christmas now!

olderandwider · 05/11/2010 17:41

Glad you got them back.

I think a phone call to ILs to say - it's ok, you can stop worrying now, please don't blame yourselves, the cards turned up eventually - might be amusing Wink

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