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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

in being fuming at my step mum for spending so long telling me how awful my gift was??

19 replies

cleo78 · 17/10/2010 19:16

DH and I recently bought a voucher for lunch at a local restaurant for my dad and step mum. It was a kind of combo of birthday/anniversary present and as it's a really lovely place (rec by so so so many others!) cost us quite a bit. The other day on the phone they proceeded to tell me about how awful their lunch was...bit by bloody bit! I was so hurt and really didn't know what to say, it was just so gutting that a present had been such a let down for them.
Now...DH has been trying to calm me down by saying that you can't make someone like something, but I just can't believe that thye have been SO open in their condemnation! I didn't want them to lie...but surely ten mins of our call didn't need to be slating it?
We live abroad, and they're coming over in a few weeks, and I'm now scared that I'll let rip! This is NOT the first present that doesn't seem to have gone down well, so almost feel like saying that I think we should stop doing presents! But i try to put a lot of effort into these choices....

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 17/10/2010 19:18

oh dear :(
are they usually that tactless?
i was brought up to thank people for gifts, even if you haven't liked/enjoyed them, so i would feel exactly as you did

no, you can't force them to like it, but it was not on for them to tell you how awful it was

i guess in future i'd stick with a book token

Original poster

cleo78 · 17/10/2010 19:26

yeah, think i'm pattern spotting here, and may have to reconsider my gift choices!

may have to take a leaf out of their book and buy crappy presents that don't mean anything !!!!

OP posts:

RupertCampbellBlack · 17/10/2010 19:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WriterofDreams · 17/10/2010 19:52

I feel your pain Cleo. My dad is the worst gift receiver in the world and for years it used to hurt my feelings so much. I'd spend ages trying to choose a gift for him and he'd say "what do I want that for" or "that's not very good is it?"

My dad generally is a lovely person, he just isn't the most tactful . So as a family we decided we're not going to get him presents any more and to be honest I think it suits us all great. TBH I absolutely hate having to pretend I love a present when I don't and I sort of secretly admired my dad's honesty. I think he feels presents are too much pressure and he prefers not to get any (apart from the odd nice bottle of wine, which never gets turned away). Plus on the very rare occasions that he actually said he liked a present it was a huuge victory and felt great!!

Some people are just clueless when it comes to social niceties like this. Remember that you get a present for someone else's good, not yours so if you expect unconditional gratitude then you're doing it for the wrong reasons.

Original poster

cleo78 · 17/10/2010 20:01

Rupert...love that idea, thank you!

Writerofdreams, you're so right about the reasons behind giving a present, but i didn't expect major gratitude, I was just shocked at the thorough dissection it got!

OP posts:

hugglymugly · 17/10/2010 20:48

I do wonder how people with such little awareness of social niceties have managed to get through life so far.

Rupert's idea is good. But maybe look at Oxfam's website and buy a goat - goats eat anything and everything and have bad breath/attitude.

BelligerentGhoul · 17/10/2010 21:00

Grrr - am so cross for you.

Mil is terrible re: gifts. She usually passes them straight onto somebody else and says why she didn't want them. Eg: if sil buys her something, she gives it to my dp and vice versa.

pigletmania · 17/10/2010 21:07

How rude and tactless, we spend ages telling our children who to be good gift recievers. I would'nt bother next time, yes sponsoring a child or a goat sounds really good.

izzywizzywoowooo · 17/10/2010 21:09

They should be greatful they got a present! I would be.

KenDoddsDadsZombieDogsNotDead · 17/10/2010 21:10

So rude!
My MIL is just as rude about gifts and also gifts I have bought for others. No social niceties for her.
Give her a book token next time!

SkylineDrifter · 17/10/2010 21:17

That's just sheer bad manners! It's the thought that counts, and the fact that the gift has been chosen with the person in mind that matters. I'd go for the goat thing too in the future.

Slightly off topic, but picking up on teaching children to receive gifts with gratitude...when my son was around three or four he'd had a Connect4 at Christmas as one of his presents from us. When he saw one of my aunts, who only saw him once or twice a year, she gave him the same as her gift. The wee sweetheart (who now stands 6'4" and has two boys of his own!) just thanked her very nicely for it, gave her a hug, and didn't say a word about already having one. His two boys are, of course, just as well-mannered.

BleedyGonzalez · 17/10/2010 21:22

Cleo that is unbelievably rude. My goodness.

If I were you I'd:

(a) send her an email/ note explaining how hurt you feel by the conversation (unless you feel that you can discuss it on the phone without letting rip as this would def be better). That way you can get it off your chest before they arrive. Make sure it's a brief note which focuses on how you feel rather than chastising her, otherwise she'll get defensive and completely miss the point;

(b) ask her, in future, if there's anything that she'd like. Explain that you're asking because it's important to you that you buy her something that will be meaningful to her. Don't let her get away with not giving you a clear, specific gift request, if she says there's nothing then give her time to think about it or email her with suggested gifts to choose from.

Am for you. How rude.

Skyline - three cheers for bringing up your boy so beautifully!

proudnscary · 17/10/2010 21:28

If they are this rude and insensitive, nothing you could say or do will make them understand how you feel. Do not waste your breath. Say nothing. You won't get the response you want and you will end up feeling more frustrated.

Enjoy thinking up lots of dreadful presents for them, and dish them out with malicious glee for the next decade or two.

SarahStratton · 17/10/2010 21:28

Ha Rupert I buy people like that the loos! If they complain I explain that they are more environmentally friendly than goats as they don't harm the topsoil etc. Only a truely selfish cunt arsehole could complain about giving some poor family a working loo

A1980 · 17/10/2010 22:16

We've all received gifts that we hate. But it's the thought that counts and it's deplorable for anyone's generosity to be thrown back in their faces.

I'd get them used socks from ebay.

BleedyGonzalez · 18/10/2010 00:34

these, A1980?

wtf is that about - some kind of weird fetishist market for used teen boy socks?

MoralDefective · 18/10/2010 00:53

Gosh,people are so rude.....i've made DCs write 'thank you letters' all their lives for gifts that they didn't really like/want....if someone takes the time and trouble to go out and get something for you then it shouldn't be too hard just to say 'thank you'.....5 minutes out of your life just to be polite should not be that difficult.....skyline....what a lovely boy.

Original poster

cleo78 · 19/10/2010 19:00

Thank you all for your posts! Am actually quite a big fan of goats, so maybe won't go down that particular line, but a loo appeals greatly!!Have kind of decided to just leave it- I don't want to make problems with my dad. I think my husband will spend our whole holiday with his fingers crossed that I don't explode at every little whine though!!

OP posts:

AnnieLoBOOseder · 19/10/2010 19:08

I bought DH an Oxfam tree one year as he's also a very ungrateful gift-receiver. I figured that at someone would be grateful for his present, even if he wasn't!

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