to discipline my nephew?

[tinkerbell289]

Hi I'm new to this forum but would like some opinions please. Sorry about the long thread.

First a little background: I live on my own and don't have kids. My sister has a 2 and a half year old son and is 35 weeks pregnant with her second at present. She is currently staying with my parents at their house, as her husband is working abroad and have sold their own house.

My nephew is a total cutie-pie and very loving, playful and gets molly-cuddled by everyone at home -my mum, dad, other younger siblings who are still home. I go to my parents' home most weekends to spend time with them while they're still here. In fact, between work and driving to my parents', I have barely spent any time in my own home in the last 2 months. I haven't minded until now, coz I adore my nephew and coz my sister complains that my mum doesn't help enough.

To be fair my mum cooks, cleans and does laundry and does offer to help to bathe and change his nappies/ potty train, but my sister doesn't like the way my mum does things (too bossy, my son etc).

Likewise, when I go home I help to bathe him, change nappies, help him to eat etc. He is a fussy eater and knows how to get his own way. My sister is a loving mother but easily manipulated. She doesn't set rules and he has no consistency re bed-times, acceptable behaviour, food etc. She will be patient with him for ages, then suddenly lose her temper and shout at him and sometimes smack him on the bottom (which I really don't agree with).

So, yesterday having entertained him all afternoon, dancing to Mickey Mouse's Clubhouse, he then started whining that he couldn't find one of his toys. Having told him a number of times that I didn't know where it was, I then tried not engaging with him. My sister was in the room at this time. Everyone was talking at once. A couple of minutes later, my nephew grabbed my face and screamed that he wanted his toy. Irritated I again said firmly "I DON'T KNOW".

My sister then yelled "Don't shout at him, he's a baby" Now, I know I shouldn't have been short with him and regretted it. But her stance was that off "He's MY baby, how dare YOU tell him off".

She has said similar things to my mum and dad stating they can't say anything to him either. I guess my issue is that if she was consistent and didn't raise her voice either, I would understand. But it seems to be that only she is allowed to discipline him, but the other adults in the house cannot.

So who IS allowed to discipline a child? If I do a lot of his donkey-work, help look after him if she needs to leave him, am I not then allowed to tell him he is misbehaving? My mum is also getting pissed off about being told what to do in her own house.

Am I being unreasonable to be angry with my sister, or does she want to have her cake and eat it?

PS- interestingly my own aunt would go and complain to our mum about us (esp as her kids never did wrong) and we hate(d) her.

She sounds a pain, but I'm afraid my opinion is still that you don't shout at a 2-year-old (unless it's to prevent imminent danger eg of being run over). If he hurt you by grabbing your face, you could have shouted "Ow!" to make the point that he hurt you, and then said in a calm but stern voice "Be gentle with my face please."

Of course it's wrong when she snaps at him, but that doesn't make it right for you to snap at him too. In fact if she is inconsistent, that makes it all the more important that he gets consistency from his aunt and grandparents.

As for the problem that your sister is in general a poor disciplinarian, this is not, in fact, your problem.

I personally believe that any adults who are close to a child should be able to discipline them, but if the parent is around they should first wait to see if the parent takes control. If the parent is not available then I think it is absolutely fine to step in.

However, I don't think you reacted in the right way, you showed him that he was irritating you, and he wasn't really misbehaving, he was upset about his toy. Better to have made a suggestion or two about where he could look for the toy, and if he kept nagging to say something like 'I'm sorry I can't help you at the moment because I'm busy.' When he grabbed your face I think it was fine to tell him off if you did it calmly but firmly, but not to shout.

Agree with parakeet in that just because your sister over-reacts or snaps, doesn't give you the right to as well.

simples - leave her to it.
i dont like my child being shouted at, and while i am present... i supervise approporiately and whilst i am out i know my parents etc follow my discipline tactics

Thanks for your comments. I didn't shout but I certainly did raise my voice to him and I did it without thinking. I did regret it immediately. And it is and will be a one-off on my part.

I have used the saying "Ow" method in the past particularly when he's accidentally hit my nose. He has always looked worried if he thought he'd hurt someone and will kiss them to say sorry.

My sister and I haven't spoken since yesterday and is clearly annoyed with me, but I have a feeling that it may be more to it than that. Almost like she wants people to help and do the nappy changing, putting to bed, but not actually getting involved or "interfering" as it were.

My nephew was fine with me straight afterwards and carried on asking for his toy!
Do I apologise to my sister?

Don't apologise to your sister. Personally I wouldn't be so involved in doing things like nappy changing or putting to bed either - if she wants to be the sole disciplinarian then that's not a problem, but then she shouldn't expect you to do other childcare jobs when she's around either.

YANBU. Your sister is making a big old rod for her own back by taking the stance of "he's MY baby, don't you dare tell him off!" Especially by having that attitude in front of him. If he hasn't learnt already how to manipulate the situation he will in time.

I'm as to how any of you can help your sister with her DS if she can't just leave you to it.

This is gonna come back and bite her on the arse one day....

I wouldn't. Your sister sounds like a spoilt self indulgent little madam who perhaps needs some home truths pointed out to her.

If she doesn't want people to help control her child then she ought to do it and if she's not prepared to do it then she should expect 1) your mum and dad to ask her to leave 2) people won't want to spend time with him.

It's not your nephew's fault but he has to learn there are rules and consequences to his behaviour.

Ok, I actually feel sorry for your sister. She's very heavily pregnant, without her husband, with a toddler to look after and facing a huge amount of upheaval. On paper it looks great that she has her family around to help her out. In principal that can actually be really stressful. You've said he gets 'molly coddled' by everyone, that is lovely and totally understandable but quite possibly a bloody nightmare for his mother as it'll make it very difficult to 'manage' his behaviour when he's getting all over excited and possibly over indulged.

The fact that she's inconsistent sometimes - well, that's par for the course! Unless you are some kind of parenting robot. Most mums do the patient thing then snap. In fact you did it yourself when you played with him for ages then snapped. Again, totally understandable.

It sounds to me like your sister can see everyone wants to help and be involved but she is trying to retain a bit of control for herself.

I am really torn up about what to do- I have been in tears on and off today and last night, mainly because my sister and I have always been very close and don't tend to argue. However, she has been short with me over the last couple of days.

For example, I bought my nephew some presents that I hoped would help eg he loves Cars and Lightning McQueen so I bought him a McQueen duvet set as an incentive to start sleeping on his own. (But also coz I love buying him presents)

The other day I made him some fresh pasta sauce with every veggie under the sun blended into it. My sister asked if he ate it and I'd said he'd had some, and she almost seemed pleased that he hadn't eaten much.

I wonder if she thinks I'm being judgemental, when in fact I'm trying to help.

Sorry, had to go without finishing. I don't think you (or the rest of your family) are being Unreasonable for wanting to discipline him, but I can understand why - in this particular situation - it's difficult for your sister to deal with. Perhaps she feels everyone is judging her parenting (which from what you say they kind of are...) and this is making her defensive.

Perhaps for your sake and hers you should back off a little and go over less often - maybe offer to take him out so you're not dealing with him/disciplining him in front of her.

It just sounds like a really stressful situation for all of you tbh.

x-posted...she almost certainly thinks that. If I were 35 weeks pregnant and without my DH I would be very emotional and prone to reading things into a situation that aren't there.

Would your mum be willing to have your nephew so you and your sis could go and do something nice together?

YANBU.

If my children were grabbing people's faces, I would want them told off for it.

They have to learn somehow. Children will never understand how to behave if people smile their way through bad behaviour all the time. Someone will always be too little to understand if nobody ever tells them how to behave.

I also would like my children to respect other adults. As long as nobody screams at them when they haven't done anything and they are being given out to for something reasonable, then I would like to think that my sister would do the same for me.

So I think you're absolutely right.