wyallfi?

[Katiekitty]

By which I mean:

You will find love:

When You are Least Looking For It.

Oh really?

Like when you're TTC and the best thing you can do is stop and relax and just let it happen?

Oh really? so, if I want to find a nice man, I should just stop looking? And it will just fucking happen?

Your thoughts are welcome

In a romcom you stop and discover that the man in the next office has got a new haircut and is secretly gorgeous.

Are you being too picky? OK, I'm with you on the "smelly and unclean
married
living with their mother at over 40
made me pay a £140 restaurant bill", but had boring, boring and dull no redeeming features at all?

yes, Trill, this is my point:

woman looking for love (usually jeniffer lopez)

man working the photocopier, marries lady millionairess MD

this is my life, I'm NOT DESPERATE but I can't find a nice man.

What I am asking is, why are all the people who tell me to stop looking, ok to say this, while, if I told them to stop TTC (which three of them are) I would be hounded out of the building?

Well the odds of them being right are better than yours.

If they stop shagging they definitely won't get pregnant.

If you stop looking for a man you only probably won't meet one.

Old Lady - what would you put up with?

I think maybe your mates are saying, step back from the dating game for a bit, cos it might be making you a bit jaded?

Sometimes a bit of a breather can give you new perspective?

Oh and I was single for over a year in a foreign country where apparently the local men would fling themselves at any woman. Just not me. I have felt your pain.

zombie - you're right, might give it a year or so as I've had a shit year of dates

picky? no, I just have certain standards - am happy to clarify this if the list I gave already hasnt.

Stay picky. Picky is good.

Katiekitty, it's not a case of "putting up with" anything. I'm not saying this is what you do - I have no idea who you are, or anything about your background - but I have heard other women dismiss really quite fantastic men because they're not a 6'4" millionaire Adonis. "Oooh, I could never date a bald/skinny/pot-bellied/glasses-wearing/freckled.... man" - you get the picture? And they're not necessarily "all that" themselves.

Most of us can appear boring or dull to others some of the time. IME, however, taking a little interest in what interests him, can be educational, fun and give you a whole new perspective on him, and suddenly the bald head/paunch really doesn't matter.

df - meant to add: complete infertility here, it's not even an issue, have accepted it for the past 20 yrs

Just that I'm, hoping to find a nice man and everyone I know is paired off and is saying: "oh fuss and nonsense, just stop looking and you'll find him."

Winds me up because if If I was to say to them to relax and stop ttc, they'd punch me

Just re-iterating: I have lived all my adult life being knowingly unable ttc, THIS IS NOT THE ISSUE! I'm just comparing it

If you don't mind me asking, where are you meeting these men? Maybe you should concentrate on doing things that make you happy for a bit. I'm not saying ignore opportunities to meet people, just take a break from actively looking and do what you enjoy and just have fun for a while.

Yopu can then come back to this, having had a mental break from it.

karma - real life meetings! a few blind dates set up by friends...

It's just that everyone but everyone (they are all in long term relationships) is saying 'oh, just stop looking' as if it'll happen by magic.

Everyone I know didn't meet their DH or DP by them knocking on their door, they all met out and about.

Whenever I'm out I get the 'oh you hope you're meeting your husband here...' I don't know any single people and it's a novelty to them.

Sorry, just venting here really, I know there are no answers. Thank you everyone who has replied, there's nothing more to say really. Apart from that i'm not desperate!

LOL, well, best of luck; maybe you'll bump into HIM at the bus stop/in Greigs the bakers tomorrow...

you never know, oldladyknows...

I hope you do bump into 'the one' soon. Tbh, I think a lot of it is down to luck. I got together with my DH at a party. I'd had a few drinks was shitfaced and was less reserved a bit of a slut.
Generally I was quite shy, so I think it was luck that we were just in the right place at the right time and I was feeling 'relaxed'.
Could easily have turned out differently

Nothing wrong with a bit of well-timed sluttishness. DH was a one-night stand in 1983.

(Not that I'm saying Katiekitty should put it about a bit more! )

I shall call upon sluttish reserves, should occasion call for it!

Thank you all

and forgot to add, bet of luck with the birth df! (been on MN years, I have)

I sympathise, Katiekitty. I am in the same situation, and in the last week I swear at least 3 people have said the same to me. I have decided after a recent break up to stop being desperate just stay single for a year.

I feel your pain. Men never seem to be interested in me. They are always flirting with my pretty friend (who happens to be married) or sexy colleague at the staff do (also happily married). They blank me totally because I am not slim or pretty. Also as a single mum I do not get the chance to get out and about in the kind of places where single men hang out.

Hey ho! Life is much simpler being single though. You can watch what you like on telly and fart in bed.

My mum is into the cosmic ordering stuff. It seems to work creepily well, when I was looking for a house I specified "within walking distance to town, not on a hill, 2 bedrooms, with it's own entrance (I have a cat), within my budget, and bathroom on the same floor as the living rooms, nice landlord who will accept HB"

I found a house with all of that, even the bathroom! Which was a random kind of check really, just to see if it worked. And for the next few months my mum was checking all the local papers etc for a suitable house just out of habit and didn't find a single one, so if it was a fluke it was a pretty random one.

Anyway the point of my post was that my mum always says if you're constantly thinking "I want X" then under 'thoughts become things' theory, the universe will give you what you are thinking - it will keep you wanting that thing, not getting it. So instead of thinking "I wish I had a lovely man who was XYZ" try to think "Soon I will meet a lovely man who is XYZ" - and be specific, you deserve it :)

(I know I probably sound like a loon. However, it worked for me. And thoughts don't cost a penny so it's worth a try?)

I don't think telling someone to stop looking and they might find a man is comparable with relax and you will fall pregnant.

I think it may be equally irritating to the person it's said to, they are all at a different point on the line.
What I mean is, I spent years trying not to Get Pregnant, so when I decided to, it rather shocked me that it took 7 months, no miscarriages.
I was in a different place on the line to someone who'd been trying for several years.

Same with wanting to meet a decent partner.
How long someone has been looking, and how many disappointments along the way.

Hi Katiekitty
I know how much it sucks when your smug-married friends tell you that it?ll be your turn as soon as you stop looking etc, but I?m not really sure why you?re comparing it to TTC?

You said that if you told some friends to ?stop TTC? you?d be hounded out of the building, and say that people wouldn?t say this sort of thing. Well they do say it - in spades. After 10 years TTC (including 4 years IVF) people often said to me that I should just relax a bit more and not think about it. Because presumably that would cure infertility. Even when we adopted DS, people still said to me ?You watch - you?ll get pregnant now you?ve stopped trying? as though adopting would cure my infertility.

You?re single. I?ve been single. We?ve all been single. Yes it?s irritating when people who are in relationships comment on your status and predict your future. Yes, it feels patronising and is annoying - but what would you have them say - that you?re going to be single forever? That you?ll never find a partner? They?re just making conversation!

I don?t think that you can compare looking for a partner to TTC - we?ve all been ?looking for a partner? to some extent. People comment because, in their experience, they?ve found it to be true that if you look less, you?ll often be surprised - law of averages and all that. Being infertile - a diagnosed medical condition that prevents you from biologically becoming a parent? It?s much less common and much more painful. I?m not saying I don?t sympathise, but I think you need a little perspective!

I suppose I likened it to the 'relax and it'll happen' when ttc as it's something you can't make happen, no matter how much you would like it to. And, hearing 'oh just stop looking and you'll find it' is usually, if not always said by paired off people.

Would IBU to tell them to naff off then when I next hear it?

I don't want to be single for a year, I want a man damn it!

If I stop looking, will he magically appear then?

Re cosmic ordering - I have made a wish list, but frankly, am getting the polar opposite of it

don't think I explained that v well, here goes another try:

I've heard others say to my friends who are ttc: 'oh just relax and it'll happen as this is what we did and look, we have two lovely babies'.

It's irritating for the one hoping to get the seemingly unattainable and smug on the part of the sayer.

Like moi, trying to find Mr Right, apparantly, so I'm told all the time, if I stop looking for him, he will magically appear

(goes for a lie down, exhaustion, sorry for long-windedness)