parents turn me into a teenager

[scruffster]

well I know it's unreasonable of me. Help, how do I stop wanting to sulk and run away and never go near their damn claustrophobic little country again?

Parents are a strange mix of stalker-ish wanting to know every detail of my life and trying too hard to agree with everything I say, and (the alternative) alpha-male type oneupmanship and stupid nastiness.

I think they're just pretty silly. The stalkerishness is htem trying to be nice, the nastiness is them getting frustrated with me being a teenager.

Does anyone else have this problem?

I don't want ot repeat it with my DSes...

Are you a teenager?

I'm assuming you're an adult who has left home? If you left not all that long ago, it can be difficult to establish the boundaries of your new relationship with your parents; should they treat you as honoured guest, or family member? I'd guess you're going through that process.

[waits to be told she's totally wrong ]

My parents still treat me like a child. I'm 53, and they are in their 80s.

I love them to bits, and I know it's only concern for me. The upside of it is they've always come up trumps for me when I needed help. So I can forgive them for interference and passing judgement.

Er. Should have made it clearer, sorry. I'm nearly 40, have 2 kids and a husband, live on the other side of the world from the parents.

We are going "home" to visit parents and PIL this Christmas. PIL are basically lovely, normal adults with their own lives. Their kids, kids in law and grandkids love them.

My parents have had problems with boundaries and me all my life. For that matter I have problems with boundaries regarding them, in that their behaviour affects me so much (DS1 aged 9 now jokingly says "stop twitching, Mum" in the background when I'm on the phone to my parents).

My sister was a normal rebellious teenager; I wasn't. She now has a great relationship with my parents (which involves enthusiastically sharing all their prejudices, which I can't swallow).

Butterbur: the difference here is that my parents have never once come up trumps with helping me.

They have told me to feck off at the two points in my life where I needed and asked for help. One was asking for some general help because I was severely depressed and couldn't cope, one was needing money to tide me over until the end of a degree after I'd already lost 10 kilos and got sick through not having enough to eat.

Meanwhile they have bought my sister everything she has ever asked for... houses, cars, private school for her children... sympathy and a helping hand at every turn...

frankly no wonder i feel like a sulky teenager, but at the moment i'm trying to focus on not being sulky, because it won't help anything, and particularly not if the DSes pick up on it all too much.

Sorry to hear that Scruffster.

I must say, mine have also taken great pains to treat us all equally, and all the grandchildren too. I'm not saying it's all been a smooth ride, but I've never felt less loved or worse treated than my sisters.

Is your relationship with them part of the reason for living on the opposite side of the world?

yes. Utterly.

So fairness is one way of not repeating it - also being generally nice and happy and neither stalkerish nor alpha-male ish to my DSes. But it is already obvious to the DSes that I don't like my parents much (and vice versa) and i don't really know how to address it.

As you're going "home" for Xmas, will you have to spend much time with your parents? I'm guessing it's a duty call rather than because you really want to see them, so keep it as short as possible.

Maybe it's time for some personal growth. Don't laugh, the old thing about the only person you can change is yourself is possibly true. Try any approach you fancy and just keep on trying one thing after another until something feels helpful.

I tend to revert to teenagerish behaviours with my parents, so I do sympathise. I get annoyed at myself for doing it.

At the moment I am practising making my phone calls with my parents short, focused and positive. In other words I stop the conversation before it has veered off the rails. Then my life just continues instead of me getting angry and cross for a week.

I totally agree on the personal growth, and small amounts of contact points.

Then the red mist descends again when I'm talking to them and before I know it I've screwed up and spend the week angry and cross, feeling like a heel because I've been rude; and feeling guilty and stupid for being such a rotten example to my boys.

I just don't know how to numb the bit that responds to them, that bit that cares immensely when they say something stupid and just has to either sulk or leave in a hurry, or explode with sarkiness....

Ask your boys for some tips. If they are tuned in to how you react when on the phone to your parents then they could have some good insights. It would go towards ensuring you don't go down the same path with them for sure!

I've had some very direct advice from mine ever the years.

good idea Milou2. Will start by not twitching .

There are a few personal growth directions that i'm kind of being forced into at the moment by dint of trying to combat the parents' prejudices.... ie doing precisely some of the things they don't like (all legal and frequently regarded as totally desirable by normal people btw). It is easier than doing things they do like as they are less interfering about it all if they disapprove.

It does mean that some of the things that actually really interest me are having to be neglected totally, because they're too likely to provoke stalkerishness or alpha-male "I know more about it than you do " outbursts.

Would something like this help?

My Dad makes me feel like a bothersome teen.

His current thing is saying that females are like emotional baggage that you are trying to stuff into a cheap supermarket carrier bag and the handles are at breaking point.
(My Mum is lovely )

I spoke to my brother last night and he says he just doesn't pick this up and through we had a Waltons type family . He did admit that Dad has gender issues. I am trying to rationalise it all but have this heavy pit inside. I love my Mum to bits though so tolerate him because I couldn't see her otherwise.

Ah, Scrufster, but wait till your children start treating you like a child :)
Only joking though, I do feel your pain

Mittzress - sorry to hear that - I feel the heavy pit inside, and recognise the sibling thinking everything is fine and dandy...

My parents take it in turns to be insentitive twats/ attempting to be lovely...

OLKN: quite probably it would, thanks :-)

I adored him and tried harder and harder to be someone he really liked, and then one day he called me a shit. (not very long ago). And something in me just couldn't connect any more.

I think I learn more to roll with the punches but make damn sure the past doesn't repeat itself.

Funnily OLKN it is my DC's that have helped me gain some positive perspective and start to move on.

Mitzress: are we the same person?
I recognise that bit too.

Kids are good re perspective.

I really hate it when parents show favouritism with their children and I wouldn't want to spend Christmas with people who have failed me in my times of need, so think perhaps some distance would be a good thing for you.

Ask yourself what you are getting from your relationship with your parents and what it is costing you emotionally. If costs you more than you gain, perhaps reduce contact. Email rather than phone, so you can control what you say and have time to think before you speak.

You could also talk to them about why they are so helpful to your sister, but not to you. i would probably do that, but appreciate that not everyone would want to be so blunt in their approach.

I think everyone turns into teenagers in one form or another with their parents - you are not alone!!

I'm 40 but I feel about 12 when I'm with my dad and wicked stepmonster.

Feeling your pain.