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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH should cancel his social arrangement for us to move house?

26 replies

anonymousbrainsnatcher · 16/10/2010 09:14

We have a day/weekend to move next month. DH cannot take any time off work, so that is the only time we have. He told me (as he left the country for ten days) that he had a social thing on a day in November, but could not remember which day Hmm. It would mean him being out from 8.30 am until at least 5, and possibly 9 or 10 if he stayed for the whole thing.

Then phoned from the airport (wuss) to say it was the same day we are moving. Clearly he knew this already! He seems to think that he can do both. He says that his folks will help us etc.

I didn't want to get into a big barney as he was going away - it would fester for the whole time away which would not be healthy for either of us.

So, AIBU to expect him to cancel (he cannot postpone it)? It is at no cost to him, but he would be letting a friend down, sort of, but it's a big gang, so not as if the whole event is reliant on DH's presence. If he cancels now, then the friend has time to get a replacement.

I don't care whether or not his folks will help (but I know they will) the point is, that our family, DH's family, are moving house. We aren't going far, but we still have to move all our stuff and set up a new home inside two days.

BTW I love DH, am not seeking a way to piss him off or upset him, and do not begrudge him his own time off doing things. But in this particular instance, I am kind of upset that he didn't straight away "I'll call mate and cancel".

AIBU? I am genuinely interested in hearing a range of views.

OP posts:
Chil1234 · 16/10/2010 09:20

YANBU I would say moving house trumps any private social event. Can't think of anything with the possible exception of having agreed to be best man or godparent or something that would even come close in terms of importance. On a personal level, I'd be incredibly hacked off to go through the hassle of moving house semi-solo (even with help) and have a partner swan in at the end having done sweet F.A....

TheProfiteroleThief · 16/10/2010 09:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
anonymousbrainsnatcher · 16/10/2010 09:23

Chil1234 thank you.

I dont want to sound precious, like I am throwing my toys out of the pram, and all that, and I know that the moving date came after the invite to the social thing. But, moving is stressful enough as it is, so the thought of DH not being there concerns me (apart from anything else, he is big and strong, I am not, and my PIL's bless them are wonderful, but they aren't getting any younger!).

OP posts:
Original poster
anonymousbrainsnatcher · 16/10/2010 09:24

TPT - the invite did come out a while back (though he didn't tell me at the time) and our moving date was only confirmed earlier this week.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 16/10/2010 09:25

Oh my goodness - anon that is dreadful! I would have DH's balls in a vice should he even attempt such a thing.

His priority is you, his wife and his children and providing a stable home for his children. He needs to grow up - maybe it's the jeans?? Grin

HeadlessLadyBiscuit · 16/10/2010 09:26

He is being a bit childish I think. He clearly wants to go to his thing but it is completely unfair of him to expect you to do the move on your own.

I think you are going to have to have the conversation while he is away otherwise you are just letting it fester and making it more difficult for his friend to find a replacement

bran · 16/10/2010 09:26

YANBU Even if you are doing a full-service move with packing and unpacking being done by the movers your DH should still be there. When we moved DH took the DC out for the day and I stayed to supervise the movers. Without DH it would have been imposssible. Although, now that I think of it, DH wasn't here the day the removal van came to the new house. He was at work though and it was unavoidable, he values his balls too much to have gone on a jolly on that day.

If you phoned his friend who's organising the thing would he be sympathetic and tell you DH that they will be fine without him?

Librashavinganotherbiscuit · 16/10/2010 09:27

If my DH did this I would be taking his credit card and booking packers and removal men....in fact I might even encourage him to do this next time so I have an excuse to book packers and removal men. I hate moving house.

dexter73 · 16/10/2010 09:27

I don't think you are being unreasonable but I wouldn't mind if my dh wasn't there. I think I would find it less stressful tbh!

Chil1234 · 16/10/2010 09:28

He's rationalised it that 'It's OK for me to go to this piss-up boy's day out at the Varsity Match (or whatever it is) and anonymousb can do all the ballsache donkey work with the oldsters'. And I don't think that's getting priorities right to put it mildly

Further.... I'd find out who organised the day out, contact them and send his apologies while he's away. If they've got a shred of decency they'll think he's being an arse when they find out he's leaving you to it. But then I'm not a very forgiving person :)

HeadlessLadyBiscuit · 16/10/2010 09:30

I'd be like Chil - say that either he cancels or you will

TheProfiteroleThief · 16/10/2010 09:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

naghoul · 16/10/2010 09:36

I would cancel for him. Mh DH left for 8 hours WITH THE VAN on the day we moved house, and I still bear a grudge.

I didn't have prior warning, so I had to do the bollock crushing after the event. You can do it before, so use the advantage.

lucky1979 · 16/10/2010 09:36

I would kill him. My DH has managed to have some massive event (usually a music festival he's playing at so big deal and immovable) EVERY time we've moved in the last few years. However much help you have, you WILL end up packing boxes at 3AM, on your own, contemplating burning all his clothes to save you from having to pack them.

But if it was a social thing (lads day out or whatever) there is NO WAY that I would have let him get away with it. He cancels it or you change the moving day, I can't understad why he would think that it is acceptable or possible to miss it. If there were days he couldn't do, then he should have told everyone in advance, before your moving date was settled, that this day is not available.

FakePlasticTrees · 16/10/2010 09:46

I'd be so angry. He must cancel his social thing. Or as others have said, you will cancel for him, explaining to his friends that he forgot he is moving house that day.

We had a removal team to help us move last time, but I couldn't have coped without DH.

Vallhalloween · 16/10/2010 09:46

I'm with Chil and would cancel for him.

HeadlessLadyBiscuit · 16/10/2010 09:52

Also if I were his mum I would be furious that he expected me to help move while he went on an all day jolly and probably wouldn't.

Original poster
anonymousbrainsnatcher · 16/10/2010 09:52

Thank you all.
Just wanted to make sure I wasn't being nagging wife from hell.

The host will not mind in the slightest, they are very good friends and will entirely understand. Had wondered about calling his wife and just casually dropping into conversation that we are moving out. bla bla bla. And just HAPPEN to mention the date. And pretend I don't know about the event being that date. I know she would IMMEDIATELY sort it out - she is a no nonsense kind of gal!

No wonder he "broke the news" just as, oh so conveniently, he was getting on a plane to fly 4000 miles away!!!!

So clearly, he knew it was a major no no, and just buggered off in a jet plane to avoid immediate fall out!

OP posts:
Original poster
anonymousbrainsnatcher · 16/10/2010 09:58

And, no disrespect meant, but cancel for him I think would be a bit childish of me. If I insist, he WILL cancel, we just didn't have the chance to have that conversation before he went away. I just wanted to be sure that I wasn't being unreasonable in insisting that he does in fact cancel when he comes home.

He doesn't disrespect me, so I don't want to disrespect him in his absence. I need to give him the chance to see reason and then cancel. His absence overseas does slightly complicate that.

He just doesn't plan and think and worry about details like I do. I'm already living and breathing and dreading the move - that is just me. He isn't like that, he just takes it all as it comes. Sometimes, I wish I could be like him in that respect. Save a lot of (usually unnecessary) worry and stress about stuff that will, generally, just be ok on the day.

However, a house move DOES require planning and hands on deck (no movers involved). It won't just sort itself out in two days without that. So in this instance, thank you very much, I have concluded that IANBU to be firm on the fact that he must cancel.

OP posts:
Chil1234 · 16/10/2010 10:16

That's a very mature solution. :) Don't let 'being overseas' let him off the hook, however. Phones work in even the most remote locations these days and it would be unfortunate if 'it's too late to cancel' became the next excuse!

Original poster
anonymousbrainsnatcher · 16/10/2010 10:25

OH no, he is not off the hook!

He is skype-ing later today, to say hi to us all and we have to discuss the building work/move anyway, so I can definitely raise it again. I just don't like "heavy" discussions by phone, it's never easy. Better face to face. Skype isn't great either, what with the judders and delays, but I can MENTION it, even if I don't PUSH it.

No, it isn't too late, no money will be lost, but if friend knows by next weekend, he has a month to find a replacement!

OP posts:
edam · 16/10/2010 10:39

If he pissed off on moving day, his personal possessions are left at the old house. Or, if you are feeling really kind, you could box them up but make sure they get off the van first and are buried under a heap of other boxes.

Incredibly selfish and stupid of him to even imagine for a nano-second that this is in anyway possible or reasonable.

PuppyMonkey · 16/10/2010 10:40

I am dying to know what the social event is now, nosy cow that I am.

NothereisnobodylurkingbehindU · 16/10/2010 10:45

YANBU. He needs to get a grip. Will his parents put him straight? If this was my dh I wouldn't need to do anything as his mum would kebab him for even thinking about it. I heart my mil Grin

ChaoticAngel · 16/10/2010 12:59

YANBU

Insist he cancels, your moving comes before a jolly.

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