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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you send one child to Private school and another to a state one?

25 replies

DeadlyNightShadeofViolet · 15/10/2010 19:25

I am trying to go over this in my head.

DS1 is in a state school, and DD will start at the pre-school of the same school next Easter.DS2 is nearly 4 and has ASD. He has a delay of around 2 years in communication and learning - he also has significant motor planning difficulties.

I am really worried about the spending cuts, and how they will affect him in school. I have seen the proposals for spending within our council and they make depressing reading, so much so that I am having sleepness nights worrying.

We have a local prep school which has a fantastic reputation with SEN, but we could only afford to send DS2 there because of his DLA.

Is it favouritism? I wing between thinking that I should do whats best for DS2 and thinking that its unfair that he is getting opportunities I could never afford for the other DC's.

OP posts:

ForMashGetSmash · 15/10/2010 19:28

A child at my DDs private prep came this term...he had been at the same state a his siblings...he is 7 and his parents removed hm from the stte as he was not thriving at all...they left the other two there...this little boy has Aspergers and needed a quiter and more caring place....not wrong at all in my opinon. All kids are different and some need specialist help...not unfair.

childrenofthecornsilk · 15/10/2010 19:29

It's not favouritism. I wish I'd sent ds1 to a private school.

justaboutawinegumoholic · 15/10/2010 19:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

onceamai · 15/10/2010 19:33

Agree. Children are different and they have different needs. Completely justifiable reason for different provision, paid or otherwise.

ragged · 15/10/2010 19:40

DS1 attends a private school, he struggles socially. Other DC are in state schools and will almost certainly stay there. DD is very happy in the state school and I expect her to thrive at our mediocre-results local state secondary, too. Meanwhile DS2... well, he wouldn't be any happier anywhere else, except maybe at the Steiner school which is an hour's drive away ('nuff said, really).

I agree that fairness is not about equal treatment, but meeting each child's needs as well as you can.

Ladymuck · 15/10/2010 19:41

At this age I wouldn't focus on the private v state aspect. The children themselves don't tend to be aware of the distinction until they are older. I would just focus on explaining to the children that DS2 would do better at a different school, and that you want the best school for each child. Then focus on what your state school has to offer that does suit both ds1 and dd. If you have friends via beavers/clubs etc at different schools you can also explain how they know other children at different schools, and that there parents chose those schools because they suited the child.

GrimmaTheNome · 15/10/2010 19:41

YANBU

It would be unreasonable not to give the extra help to the child who needs more help.

Scratchitt · 15/10/2010 19:43

Mine did. I was at the state. Boys private.

Pissed me off no end in later life .. and then.

proudnscary · 15/10/2010 19:44

My brother went to a private school, I went to a (very good) state school.

Totally agree about meeting each child's needs.

No resentment on my behalf, if anything the opposite as I think I had much better experience than he did.

cory · 15/10/2010 19:45

no more favouritism than my letting dd have a wheelchair even though her brother didn't need one at the time

galonthefarm · 15/10/2010 19:46

YANBU in your situation.

I went to a private (well day school) as did my brother and sister - from 11. Sis moved to state school for A levels and I suspect she would have done better if had gone there all the way from 11.

agree with onceamai every child is different

good luck

musicmadness · 15/10/2010 20:22

Its fine if its SN based. If it was just because you wanted him to get a better education (not that all privates are better - just an example) then that would be unreasonable.

melpomene · 15/10/2010 20:46

YANBU (presuming that DS1 is happy at the school). It's fine to give children different things if their needs are different.

I always went to state school, but my sister went to private school for a few years because she was unhappy and was bullied at the state school. I remained happily at the state school and didn't resent it.

Original poster

DeadlyNightShadeofViolet · 15/10/2010 20:57

Thank you everyone.

DS1 is happy at his MS schooland he really enjoys it, plus he only has two years left. He does have some anxiety issues but these are not just at school. It is a good school, but I dont feel they will be able to offer DS2 everything he needs because of the budget constraints.

OP posts:

twirlymum · 15/10/2010 20:57

My brothers DS goes to a grammar school, his DD is awaiting 11+ results. If she does not pass, she will go to a private school, as the state (comprehensive) schools in their area are awful.
Think it's fine. Has to suit each child.

GrimmaTheNome · 15/10/2010 21:28

The grammar/private mix isn't unusual I think - but in that case no-one would think that the state-educated child was in any way disadvantaged.

MadamDeathstare · 15/10/2010 21:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Greenwing · 15/10/2010 21:35

Agree with others - it is fine and not uncommon. I work in a private school and there are a number of parents who collect their other child/children from local state school before coming on to collect from here. Conveniently we finish 45 minutes later. Different needs and different children can easily equal different schools.

foxinsocks · 15/10/2010 21:37

I wouldn't personally

but can see why in your situation you might want/need to.

Rangirl · 15/10/2010 21:38

I certainly would not,but it's your DC your call

LynetteScavo · 15/10/2010 21:42

I would do it.

Different children; different needs.

Journey · 15/10/2010 21:45

Yes, I would go ahead and do it. There is a very clear rationale for the decision that I'm sure your other children will understand when they get older.

FlyingInTheCLouds · 15/10/2010 21:48

I wouldn't if both nt but in yours circs I would rethink.

huddspur · 15/10/2010 21:49

I wouldn't

piscesmoon · 15/10/2010 22:10

Yes I would.
You have to take what is best for each DC and what is best for one isn't best for another. The assumption seems to be that private must be better! It often isn't.

At one stage we started to look into private for DS2 because he was dyslexic and the school were not helping. Luckily the school got their act together and were fantastic, after a frustrating first few months. I wouldn't have changed DS1 and DS 3 because the school was fine for them.

Children are individuals within the same family and you should base decisions on what is best for the DC, not what happens to be best for the siblings IMO.

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