To be FUMING with DS's school

[Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

Namechanged as I know that one of DS's teachers is on MN, as are at least 3 parents at the same school I know (probably outing myself anyway now!)

Right. My father has been suffering with cancer for the past 6 months, it's been a very rough road and DS (age 12) was aware of it and extremely close to his Granddad, he only lives down the road from us and was widowed when DS was a baby. He and DS have a very close relationship. Got a call at work yesterday morning from my dad asking to come get him as he feels terribly ill, etc. Rushed him to hospital where they have said he has approx 3-5 days to live .

DS is at boarding school during term time, I rang them up, explained situation and said I was coming to get DS and would be there in a couple of hours. I specifically told the woman not to get DS out of lessons yet as it would be a good drive.

I get there to find DS hysterically sobbing in the HT's office (HT is away this week, helpfully ). I ask him what's wrong he looks at me incredulously and said 'Grandad's dead' I asked who told him that, he said an aide got him out of lessons an hour ago to say I was on my way and his grandfather had died. WTF?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?! I spent the better part of 30 minutes holding him, shushing him, and informing him his granddad was not dead but in hospital and very ill and we were going to see him. DS has been distraught ever since.

NO ONE would own up to getting DS out of his lesson, NO ONE admitted taking my phone call. Obviously there will be a confrontation when HT is back from his holiday but AIBU to want blood for this???

What a horribly insensitive adult who did that. No, you would not be unreasonable at all. I would want to know exactly who took my call and exactly who thought it was appropriate to tell a 12year old a close relative was dead, even though his mother was on the way to get him anyway.

Poor DS.

Blimey, that's awful. Your poor DS. I would be fuming too - that is outrageous and you are DNBU to tackle the school about it. Downright cowardly for them not to 'fess up.

Where do I go for answers here until Head is back (have been informed it will not be until after half-term!!)

YANBU. This is horrendous - wires were crossed at some stage and you must remember it was a mistake rather than malice, but still - unforgiveable. There should be some serious apologies - to you and your DS. I'm so sorry about your father.

What about Deputy Head, Head of Year? There must be SOMEONE who deals with stuff in head's absence?

Re where you go - the Chair of Governors.

But you don't need to deal with this now - it's done, you can't undo it. Save your strength for your father and getting through the next few days - this can wait.

That is terrible, I can only think that perhaps the message was misunderstood as it was relayed.

That's still no excuse for it, and I would be wanting them to investigate who said what and when.

A mix up about what time you were picking him up might be excusable, but not telling your DS that his grandad is dead when he's not! Unbelievable.

You're right to be spitting feathers, but perhaps leave it for the moment and concentrate on your dad and other family? Why should they take away special and precious time from your family?

No wonder you're angry and you're not being at all unreasonable. It sounds like a really, really bad mistake they've made. Your poor, poor DS.

BUT now is proably not the time to be devoting energy to this. It would be a big distraction from your Dad's last days - I'm so sorry - I know how this feels.

I would say - spend the time with your Dad. Ignore the school incident for now - you can deal with that as and when you dont need to be thinking aobut other things. Yes they've made a cock up but you have other things you need to be doing right now.

WhoAte along my lines of thinking. I have been mulling this over since leaving the school yesterday in a very undignified manner. We are all still terribly concerned for my dad of course but it has made DS into something I never knew he could be, cold, withdrawn, sobbing all the time, never wants to go back to school, etc. It's really upsetting me and I feel and confused.

That's outrageous! You are right to want blood!

I have no idea what you are supposed to do about things like this, especially if it's an independant school, but I would have thought the LA of the school would point you in the right direction.

And yes, I am on MN during this time as I needed some space from everything going on, I'm not a heartless daughter

Absolutely awful. A mistake is one thing, leaving a child to cry alone and then lying to cover up said mistake is completely unforgivable.

As others have said though, this isn't the time to be worrying about this. Make sure your DS is comforted and not too confused by it all, and make the most of your time with your dad. Put all thoughts of school to the back of your mind, this can be dealt with later.

So sorry to hear about your dad - hope the next few days bring you all peace and acceptance x

Even if they did know for sure that a death had occured, they still shouldn't have taken it on themselves to tell the DC.

That's not for them to break such news, it's for family to say.

What an awful situation for you to be in, all round.

Your poor son. I'm so sorry.

Wait until this is over. Then go and see the head. They need to sort their policies out so that it can't happen again.

I am so sorry about your Dad.

The school are just unbelievable.

Presumably your DS knows who actually came to get him from his lesson? And he knows who told him his Granddad was dead? I would start there. And I wouldn't stop. It is totally shocking.

It's an awful mistake to happen. Just terrible, but probably a genuine mistake as I can't imagine anyone choosing to deliver that news when they didn't have to.

However

For me, it's the lies and denial that are unforgivable. To me this is . This is what you should be discussing with the head, when you are ready and feeling able to cope with what may become a confrontation.

I am so sorry for you all. Your poor DS. I suspect his behaviour is down to a combination of shock/trauma/fear of what is coming and sadness. Hopefully in time, as part of his grieving process he will recover his personality.

Will be thinking of you

who would tell a child that their relative is dead?

surely one should wait for the parent to arrive even if grandad was indeed dead?

its bloody outragous

Is there a day school nearby that your son could transfer to? Sounds like he might need some support and this behaviour will have fractured the family relationsihp with the school. They will want of course a term's notice but presumably the next lot of fees aren;t due until January and this is reduced by half although I think you shoudl negotiate in the circs.

Dreadful handling of a bad situation. Are you OK - next days and weeks likely to be tough for you all. Not sure I'd want to send DS back to a place that was so insensitive. 12's a hard age to be going through this away from family if you send him back.